My man has been in and out of town this week, and I have to tell you - being a single mom is not for the faint of heart. One week, three trips, and I am tired. Ready for him to come home and stay for longer than 12 hours. Even though I really am excited for these trips for him, and am so glad that he could go, and don't have regrets that he did go, I miss him, and this resonates. [For transparency, I'm somewhere between "tuesday" and "wednesday" right now.] All you single moms and dads out there, who have to do this on a daily, weekly, every.day.basis, I applaud you. You are heroes to me; I don't know how you do it. You have a strength - maybe born out of necessity, but you have it nonetheless - that is impressive, and rarely recognized. Forgive me, for any times when I have made your load harder, or heavier, rather than lighter. I have the luxury, the gift of partnership, choice, and rest. And sometimes I don't acknowledge that in my average weeks.
Little man is crawling now. One grunt and launch and giant worming, belly-flop at a time. Kid has a future in break-dancing, let me tell you. Slowly, so mommy can keep up with him thus far - but put a good, chewy cord in front of him, or some other equally hazardous chewable, choke-able, item - and baby, we have forward momentum. Oh and he's learning how to pull himself up into a standing position. In the bathtub. Nowhere else. That was a fun one. Words you never expect to hear coming out of your mouth, "no, 6 month old son, you may not stand in the bathtub", "no more eating bubbles, kid, you've had enough for the day." "Please stop grabbing on your wang and singing at the top of your lungs - wouldn't you prefer to have this nice squeaky (??) turtle instead?" Who would have thought that I would love motherhood this much. And be so tired so much. And simultaneously so glad when 6:30am AND 6:30pm arrive.
Oh, and he also thinks the microwave is the coolest thing ever. No idea why.
Add in this week in work, as I try to make my decision about whether to take the job offered or look for something else (not working is not an option financially). How many hours I can give. How much I want to invest in my own career development. Or what gets put to the side. And a week of work that is both incredibly rewarding and reminds me what I am very good at - and incredibly frustrating, by the roles that I have to turn down, the work that I can do in my current capacity, and the balance that I don't know how to strike. How to balance the both/and. The desire for a career that is meaningful and enjoyable, the desire to be home when my kid(s, eventual) are young. The need for income, with the desire to not work, with the desire to work. The age old juggling act - this is not new; women have wrestled with it for decades now. And to the best of my knowledge, no one has a clue how to do it well. Sheryl Sandberg tells me it is possible to have it all, if I have the right partner - which is maybe why I'm wrestling with it again this week, with Jon out of town, 'cuz he is a great partner - but somehow I don't believe her that it's all that simple.
Side note, why do they make coffee tables crawling-infant head-height? No reason, just curious.
On the news this morning, Debora Spar, president of Barnard College, reminds me that Wonder Woman doesn't exist - that you can't have it all, and should probably stop trying to be so good at everything. The bacon-frying-perfume-wearing-tick-tock-reading woman does not exist.
I have no idea how to balance work, family, crawling toddling tot, husband, family, love of cooking whole foods, and need for income right now. All I know is that coffee is probably involved somehow. And that it's okay if I don't do it all well, always.
As Spar says, "The most crucial thing for women to know today? No one does it all. We each, if we're lucky, will have our chance to leave a mark on the world, but we are trying too hard to be perfect. So don't emulate Wonder Woman; think about what's wonderful to you instead. Then boldly, audaciously, joyfully, leave the rest behind."
So today, I'm going to do what I need to do, what I love to do, and what I can do - to the best of my ability, not perfection. [And this morning, that means, not showering, wearing my sweatpants, and playing on the floor with my drool-covered, banana-loving crawler.]
It means asking for help when I need it. And letting some parts of my career dreams go, at least for now, while being okay working hard to keep a foot in the door - because when I am at my healthiest, I am the best gift to my family. And saying no to some opportunities for work, because my family is most important to me, and it's okay to let the driven part of me rest a bit, for the sake of something better. But at the same time, being honest, about the passions, desire, and goals that I do have. Being present, today, to what is wonderful and good - living joyfully, audaciously, without apology in the moment, without wishing it away or worrying about what I'm missing out on.
And most importantly, naming the lie that I can have it all. Letting go of what doesn't matter. Holding on to what does. Acknowledging the juggling act that that is - and continuing to wrestle through it, with honesty, joy, and in partnership. And while I'm at it, having that
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