Margins

As some of you might know, Jon and I have some big decisions, big steps, and big transitions coming up.  We have a lot to process, and we are actively processing a lot.

From where to live to what to do, to when to do it, to what comes next for our family, to what's going on presently for our family, even down to silly things like trying to locate a place where it snows a lot and has beautiful falls and warm summers... and is affordable.  Plus those little things like the continual processing of our ever-growing identities, to some tough and faith-testing circumstances of late, to how to raise a very wiggly toddler well... well, you get the picture.  We're processing a lot and it often feels like we have a lot on our plates.

One of the things I love about InterVarsity New England in particular, is that they take the spiritual health and well-being of their staff seriously.  So, in addition to all of the other conferences, trips, retreats, and work events they have... they also have a staff spiritual formation retreat... 3 days specifically designed to give staff space for their own personal spiritual formation.  Time to listen.  Time to be silent.  Time to be with God and to hear from God, not for the sake of work, although it blesses work, but for the sake of your own heart and soul.   Seriously, they are one things that I miss the most about being on IV staff.  In the midst of the busy, it's a slowing down and perspective shifting that everyone - in ministry and out of it - would benefit from.

Anyhoo - Jon just got back from one a few weeks ago, and one of the things that he brought back with him, was that we needed to do a better job creating margins in our lives.  Space, for God, and for each other.  Non-busy time.  Unplugged time.  Intentionally silent time.  Space, so that we actually can unpack the internal world and the external questions.  While for us it is a Christian, spiritual thing - it is an idea that transcends that - and time and time again is shown to be ridiculously good for human beings to actually have non-noisy space.  Down time, and internal world check-ins, if you will.

Not out of obligations, or a 30 minute mandatory check-off-the-list "quiet time." And not even all about prayer or contemplation or even all process time.  But space where we are not noisy and are not busy and are not constantly moving.   Space for sanity, so we're not "on" from the moment that we wake up until the moment that we fall into bed.  Space so that we both start and stop work intentionally.  Space so that we are beings as well as doings.  Space, so that we actually can have some bandwidth to process some of those heavy-plate things that we're processing.  It's unbelievably hard, by the way, to process anything, with any depth, when you're constantly on.

It's like a dell laptop - the old ones with the really sucky fans (you know what I'm talking about) - left on for like 2 months, with no cool-down time, then being asked to run a multifunction process.  In less than 10 years.  Not going to happen.  Or at very least, not going to be pretty.

So, we're doing it.  We're putting margins in our day.  With a 9 month old.   With two working parents.  With days that start early (our son) and end late (working with college students).  And a lot on our plates.

What does that practically look like?  It's not super complicated or super spiritual at all - and is made easier by the fact that our son does *normally* sleep pretty well.  We get up half an hour earlier, we ask our son to stay in his crib, if he wakes early, until a certain time and have his own personal play-time.  We have "radio silent" time, where all our electronics are off - both in the morning and in the evening - giving us margins and space first thing and last thing in the day.  We go to bed early enough so that we can wake up a little bit before our day has to start.  We are ((trying)) not to eat our meals in front of the television, but actually at the table next to each other, with one another.  And we have start and stop times to work.

Do we do it always?  Absolutely not.  Are we trying daily? Yes.  Do we give ourselves days off, where we can stay up and watch as many episodes of LOST as we want?  Yes, absolutely.

But can I tell you something about margins? About radio silence?  It feels weird at first.  Eerily unconnected (::what if something major happens on facebook and I don't know until tomorrow?????::) But it is also weirdly freeing.  Calming.  Refreshing.  Like breathing fresh air.  Like the busy has a limit, not because it has an end or a cessation, but because we choose to place limits on it.  And you know what?  The work gets done.  And even though we technically have less time, it feels like we have more.

I'm not writing this to shame anyone - in fact, I'm really writing it because we're not great at it, and could use the encouragement of other people knowing and maybe asking us every once in a while.   In fact, honest truth, I both checked my phone in silent time AND slept in past my alarm this morning.   And we ate in front of the television last night.  ::gasp:: And I am writing this this afternoon, because it's not a law, and there is grace.  We're not pros but we're learning, and we're still trying, day-in and day-out, to put intentional space in our days.  And we're inviting you into our process.

I'm writing it as a reminder to myself, that it does actually matter.  That space is a good thing.  That it's counter-cultural, but worth-while.  That we need the space.  That we can do this.  Choosing, daily.

And I'm writing it, hopefully as an encouragement to you, that space is actually a good thing.  That yes, it takes intentionality, yes it is hard, and yes, it is totally counter-cultural.  But it is worth it.  And that no matter how busy your life might seem - students, I know.  Trust me.  I was an 7am to 3am gal in college too.  Parents, I know. They're everywhere.  Always.  And oh so noisy.  But we all generally have the capacity to create space (exceptions - like the first 6 weeks of parenthood - certainly apply, but are, in general, the exception, not the rule), even if it can't be fully silent or alone (parents) or can't be in the morning (college students) or can't be [x] (for you).   Our phones/computers/ipads/gadgets have an off/silent button, and we (for the most part) have the capacity to put a limit on the busy, somewhere in our days.

Maybe this is not for you right now.  And my intention is not to say that it has to be - please forgive me, if it comes across that way - but it is the invitation for us right now.  And it's something that I'm grateful for, wrestling with, longing for, and working towards, so... there ya go. :)

- KD