In the past 16 months, you have become quite the expert on parenting your now 16-month-old child. You feel comfortable, most days. You actually sleep most nights. And that panic of new parenting, that’s a memory not an active reality. I am writing you this note because in roughly six weeks or less, you're going to have another baby - and
I'm writing you this letter to remind you, when life feels crazy, that you'll make it through; to remind you of the things that you’ve learned; and to remind you of things that I am certain that you will forget or have already forgotten about those first few weeks of joy and delight [and sleeplessness]. So here we go:
1) I know you think you are a superhero – and the reality is you are. In just a few short weeks, you will have either pushed a baby out of a unimaginably-small sized opening, or endured a major surgery to physically remove another human being (and an organ that you grew yourself what?!) from your body. That’s plenty of superhero-y-ness. That withstanding, you will then bleed for longer than is kosher to discuss [sorry readers!]. And your body will need to heal. Please give yourself grace to physically recover, and just acknowledge that you can’t actually do everything physically that you could right up to before giving birth. Please let people help you – and please tell people that you need them to help you.
2) The emotional roller coaster that follows giving birth is nothing to shake a stick at – even though you feel crazy, I promise you, you felt this way last time too. Postpartum depression (PPD) is real, and if you think you’re wrestling with feelings that are self or other-destructive, or just too dark to handle yourself, please ask for help. But the reality is, even outside of PPD, remember how much your hormones fluctuate once a month, and then multiply that by 9 months times generating an organ and pushing out a human being, and know that it’s okay if you cry or have more emotions than normal or even feel a little bit crazy. It’s actually pretty darn normal for women who have babies – it’s just most people don’t talk about it or they’re far enough out that they don’t remember. You will return to sanity, I promise.
3) Laugh often. As much as you possibly can, really. It's surprisingly far more cathartic than worry, and makes all of those life-altering and cataclysmic decisions seem much more realistically-sized. Plus kids are really funny, as are you as a new parent, if you don't take yourself too seriously.
4) The sleep deprivation is real – even if your baby is a good sleeper. Don’t underestimate how that plays into the equation as well. Imagine finals week on repeat for the first 6 weeks of this tiny human’s life. Which speaking of, I don’t know if this is actually factual for every baby or not, but I seem to remember that six weeks was somewhat of a magic number with S. So hang on for that. And don't get into serious conversations or attempt to make any permanent parenting decisions with your hubby after midnight. Just trust me, and don't. Also give yourself grace if you make up words, and struggle with full adult sentences. Like blerg merg merg blerg. Yeah.
5) Wear make-up occasionally - and clothes that you wear outside of the home. You know, like pants not made of stretchy material. It seems counter-intuitive, but it will help you feel more human on those days that we just have to survive through!
6) Even though you SWORE that you would never be one of those parents who would proffer unsolicited baby advice, at some point after your little munchkin is born, you will find yourself opening your mouth around some other parent of a wee one, and advice will be spouting out. And the reality is – you do this primarily because you want to be helpful, yes, but more so than that, because you just really want to share all those mundane things that make up most of your days and reality is, no one else really wants to hear about them. So when you meet a new(er) parent than you, you start gushing because you just want to connect – to share experiences. The reality is – there are better ways of connecting... like listening. After all, that's mostly what you want, right? So do yourself a favor this time around, and don't do that again. Ask how it's going, empathize, but leave advice behind unless its requested.
7) Never regret the snuggle time - with the big one or the little one... you'll miss it later when they decide they like wiggling way more than sitting still.
8) Every parent hits a point where you are just SO angry at this little teeny tiny bundle of cuteness that refuses to sleep or has just jettisoned poop all over you or just won't stop crying... please repeat after me - this feeling of being out of control, angry, and like you want to throw in the towel? It is completely normal. It does not make you a bad parent. Every parent hits that point. Every parent wrestles with those feelings. It's completely normal. What matters most is how you respond to those feelings and emotions. How you act in response to them. So put the baby down in a safe place, let him cry for a few minutes - he'll be fine, and you need it - and give yourself space to collect yourself, to calm down, and then respond. Don't guilt yourself out for hitting your wall - everyone does. Do what you need to do in order to respond well, out of love and not anger.
9) Dates are super important - make it happen! Trust me, hard as it is to leave a little squirt with someone else, it's fantastic to come home rested and refreshed and more connected with your spouse. And somehow the baby always seems to do okay too!
10) Remember that you matter too - and taking care of yourself is important for taking care of your husband and your kiddos. That you are mom - and will always be mom - but that you are also Kristen, and when you are the healthiest version of you, that you are also a healthier mom as well. You are not the sum of your children - nor is your identity defined solely by them. Take time to cultivate and foster things that you enjoy, even if it's just in the 5 minutes before bed. I know there is NEVER enough time - and you have to carve it out of time for something else, but trust me, it is worth it. It will sustain you on days that are hard - and it will bless your children and your husband in ways that you cannot imagine.
Remember, parenthood is a journey, an adventure, and a long trail, not a short one. Remember how much fun you get to have with that teeny tiny human - so much that will be the same as it was with his brother. So much that will be totally new and different.
Remember that God specifically gave you - not someone else who is more whatever - this beautiful baby. And is equipping you - not someone else - to be their parent(s). Lean on Him, and trust Him that He knows what He is doing. You will make mistakes, yes. Absolutely. But you are the parent(s) that that He has chosen for them - Be faithful. Be humble and repentant. Surround yourself with community. And trust that God knew what He was doing. You are the right parent(s) for the job. And you will make it through.
With love, for your future reflection, and those craziest of moments,
KD
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