Growing pains

Earlier this week, our youngest son pooped in the bathtub, sparking a chain of events with the strands of icky yellow poo rising to the surface of the water, surrounding our then clean child, leading to Jon's loud exclamation "awww buddy," which startled eldest son and culminated in a major meltdown for him, followed by Jon jumping to get up, in response to both sons' prompts, and promptly depositing both his hands in an old squishy banana left by eldest son on the bathroom floor, right under Jon's leg.

So to recap: youngest son swimming in his own feces (happily and unfazed - pretty sure he tried to eat it, truth be told), eldest son in total meltdown mode, and husband slip-n-sliding on a very old, very gross, squishy banana.  And we weren't even at bedtime yet.

Parenthood at its finest.

I should mention, that sans banana, this exact same scene repeated itself the next night.  Lord have mercy.

Apparently, as this scene indicates, and so they tell me, I am now the mother of two - two adorable, often loud, often messy - little boys.  And I love them fiercely, undeniably, and unchangeably. 

And even though I've been "mommy" for over two years now - since that first moment that the second line appeared on that first little stick, and we found out that we were going to be parents - even though we've survived newborn nights once, and are pushing through toddlerhood days and newborn nights take two with (enough) energy (most days) - even though I have heard "mama-mama-mama-mama" more times daily than I can count - even though - it still feels like I am going through a bit of an identity crisis once again.

Yes, I've been here before. But somehow, having two kids now, the mommy part feels a bit more identity-ish.  Other moms with two+ kids, help me out here -  I'm not quite sure how to put it into words.  It's never been a part-time job.  It's always been 100%.  But now, [is it possible?] it's gotten even more real.  Mom with a capital M.  Or perhaps it's just become a more dominant part of the way that I'm perceived and received and has higher impact on the decisions that I make and the paths that I take.  Maybe it just feels more like it's more of me.  And that other parts of me are relegated a bit more to the side.  And I'm wrestling with how I feel about that - and where I go from there.

[sidebar: still categorically vetoing the mom jeans, don't worry.]

I don't have a pretty, well-wrapped-up conclusion.

A funny story and open-ended observation pretty much is where I am.  I am more than "just a mom" (the hogwash that that implies - there is no such thing as "just" a mom) - and I am still fiercely wrestling with how to foster and grow and develop the parts of non-mom-ish me that give life to me and ultimately bless my family with my health and vitality (how's that for a long, poorly-constructed, awkward sentence? Oh wait.  There's more.) - but I'm also recognizing that who I am is not static and is morphing with the growth of our family.

I guess where I'm going is that I'm trying to figure out how to live fully into my identity as a mom, which now feels much bigger than it used to, while at the same time neither foolishly pining after who I used to be OR losing and forgetting who I still am outside of my (now often) loudly proclaimed (and often demanded) title of mommy.  And sometimes the how to do that is not entirely clear.

It's a fun ride and I wouldn't trade it for the world - and please don't mistake, I am so grateful to have the privilege of being mommy and figuring out how to be me fully.  I love being both!  But like a butterfly, sometimes a changing identity requires some time in the cocoon - some time in the dark, where all parts are not laid clear, and the future butterfly is not yet seen.

And that's where I am right now:  in the cocoon.  Trying to find the fine balance of being all of me, even as who I am morphs and grows.

:)

- KD