grace sung over me.

This was one of those mornings for the toddler.

One of those mornings where the smallest thing can set him off, where he wants what he wants RIGHT NOW, and where he only has one volume [and it's not calm and quiet].

One of those mornings where you watch the clock and pray that nap-time (a) comes soon and (b) comes with a reset button.

About an hour before nap-time this morning, after two snacks, creative play options, lots of attention, and lots of stories, lots of hugs and kisses, he lost it again.  I don't honestly remember what it was over... it might have been graham crackers or me not giving him the appropriate item that he wanted right.this.minute, or something else, I'm not sure. But there we were, wailing, screaming, and stomping feet in the kitchen, unable to be settled.  At a point where he needed a reset badly, discipline was needed, and I couldn't hear myself think for all the din.

And I was angry.  Frustrated by my screaming, selfish [what toddler isn't?], toddler who was angry and determined that he needed whatever it was and unable to be placated or moved.  Frustrated that with all my attempts to calm him down, to meet his real needs without giving in to his less than healthy desires [like being able to touch the 350 degree oven with his bare hand], that he was still screaming at me.  And I needed to decide a course of action, of discipline, that fit with the strong-willed temper tantrum.  That recognized his tiredness, but that established that current behavior was unacceptable.  But I was too angry to do that with a level head - and first rule of good discipline is try everything possible not to do it out of anger.

So I did what any good parent would do - I put him on the floor, told him to work it out, and got out my measuring cups to make pumpkin bread, and began to sing so that I could tune him out to give me a few minutes to think rationally and decide a course of action.

I began to sing "Amazing Grace."

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.

And as I sang, I found myself near tears, as I heard the words through my toddler's temper tantrum.  But deeper than that, as I began to see myself in his temper tantrum, and hear the Lord singing those words over me.

How many times am I likewise unable to be placated or moved? Screaming [internally] and selfishly insisting on whatever it is that I am determined that I need? Ardently demanding what I have decided I must have [unhealthy or dangerous or even unneeded that it might be] while completely missing all of the things that He gives out of the abundance of his good love for me.  Tears streaming down my face, fists shaking in the air, feet stamping the ground... a wretch like me... was lost... was blind...

But now I see.

As my God sings Grace over me.

Grace which is not the punishment my disobedience deserves.  Grace which is good gifts beyond mercy from my just discipline.  Grace which comes in the midst of and over my flailing arms and hot tears and determined insistence that I don't need it.  Grace which calls me back to obedience.  Grace which disciplines me, even as it reminds me of the Father's love for me.  Grace which rescues me from myself.  Grace which sings over me, wooing me home.  Grace which promises good to me, hope, my shield, and my portion - better than my richest self-centered demands.  Grace which gives sight to my eyes, and shows me the ways in which to walk.

Grace which I have received, many many times.  Grace which I know, but often forget.

Somewhere in the middle of that first verse, sung on repeat, just like that, my toddler stopped screaming, and began to play contentedly by himself on the floor by my feet, "baking" with his cheerios and a measuring spoon.   The moment of needed discipline had passed*, and his mood and behavior had returned to a healthy balance [for the moment].  Amazing grace sung and received.

But the one who had received grace, and been reminded of grace again, was me.

T'was Grace that taught my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear
The hour I first believed.

Through many dangers, toils and snares
I have already come;
'Tis Grace that brought me safe thus far
and Grace will lead me home.

The Lord has promised good to me.
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be,
As long as life endures.

Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
And mortal life shall cease,
I shall possess within the veil,
A life of joy and peace.

When we've been there ten thousand years
Bright shining as the sun.
We've no less days to sing God's praise
Than when we've first begun.



* obviously appropriate discipline is needed at times, with the end goal of a softer heart and better behavior which flows out of that. Sometimes love and grace demonstrated bring us to that goal, sometimes time to work it out is the answer, and sometimes, correction by the parent is needed.  For our children, we strive to discern with wisdom (and not in anger), which one it is for the situation at hand.