New Series: Vulnerability

Dear friends,

Have you ever noticed that we tend to talk about struggles, learning curves, rough patches and lessons (learned) only after they are, well, learned, beaten, overcome, etc?

There's something beautiful, and perhaps delightful, that we want to share hope, encouragement, advice, and diamonds in the rough that we've uncovered the hard way - so that someone else can be encouraged, or learn the lesson a bit easier than we have had to.  In a world that is full of discouragement, brokenness, and hardship, there is something quite beautiful and good about seeing triumphs and struggles overcome.  Please don't get me wrong; I wholeheartedly encourage and bless "battles won" stories.  And I will read them, celebrate with you, weep with you, and empathize as I'm able.  True hope is always a good thing.

But.

Have you ever noticed that we don't really talk about "struggles" or "rough patches" when we're in the thick of them?  When we don't see the light at the end of the tunnel yet?  When we don't know where we're going even?  When we're treading water, lost in the dark, overwhelmed, uncertain or even just confused and in need of direction... or maybe just sad.  Even if we still have hope - real hope, not denial or avoidance of the issues - we don't talk about it until that hope has been realized.

Of course there is wisdom to discretion in where and when we share.  And of course there are things that we struggle with that are not ours alone, and thus not ours to share.  And certainly, we wish to avoid whining or complaining and do our utmost to maintain a positive perspective.  Given.

But if we happen to be people who preach vulnerability and honesty regularly - those who share struggles in the past tense willingly, if not always easily - and very certainly, if we are those who often find ourselves offering advice out of our "past lessons" - can we not also be willing to share (with wisdom) those that are still "in process"?

My hunch is that we don't because we are deeply afraid that we will be greeted with fast fixes and easy solutions, and not really heard.  That we'll be judged.  That the clock will start ticking for us to figure this out. That maybe our worst fears are true, and we really are the only ones who are still wrestling with this.  Or maybe people just won't know how to respond and it'll be "a conversation killer" or we'll be labeled "the girl who is ______" or maybe it'll just be really awkward.  We'll get a pat on the back, some stock advice, and then others will either move on, or dwell there forever not allowing us to be the dynamic human beings that we are and actually grow and find our diamonds through the rough.  That the real vulnerability of putting our raw selves out there will leave us just that - raw, vulnerable, and exposed.  And even more alone than we were before.

Lest you think I am waxing poetic, using far too many words, as usual, let me be clear: this is me.  I am excellent at being open about struggles, once I am through them.  Or have a plan.  Or feel that I have learned a [valuable] lesson out of them.  But not so great about real-time transparency.

And while that keeps the waters clearer for everyone else, I don't know that it's always the healthiest pattern for any of us.  See, I think we wrestlers - and I think that actually includes most of us - more than any wisdom or advice, we need to know that we're not alone.   That struggle, that rough patches, are okay.  That we make it through them, that there are others ahead of us on the journey, absolutely.  But we also, like AA members, need brothers and sisters who are beside us in the journey, wrestling together, as well as those ahead of us, and those we lead as well.  And often times the only way we find those companions is by giving voice to where we wrestle, in present tense.  Inviting companions on the journey, if you will.

In all fairness, on the other side of the proverbial vulnerability coin, we (I, at least - I'm assuming I'm not the only one?!) are also hesitant to talk about our strengths and gifts, places where we do have wisdom, things we love about ourselves - perhaps because we don't really have the vernacular to do so without sounding arrogant or boastful.  I always feel a little embarrassed and feel like I need to qualify any statement of that nature.  Or, in my less healthy moments, plant hints so that someone else will say it about me so that I can humbly bow my head and politely deny it, and then instruct my minions with my wealth of knowledge and wisdom.  [sound familiar?] At which point the strength has become neither helpful to someone else nor a healthy appraisal of self.

But this is also vulnerability - and a healthy, humble, and honest assessment of self.  And if I can be honest - this one is far harder for me to do than the former.  But a healthy exercise for me to do nonetheless. [try it: what do you love about yourself?!]

Perhaps you are better at one of these than the other.

So where am I going with this?

I have this crazy idea that I'm going to start something new here... 

... that I'm going to take the first step, hoping that some of you will follow after, and share - in real time - five current places of wrestling for me.  And five current things that I consider strengths in myself, that I love about who I am and the ways that I relate to others.  One a day, over the course of ten posts. [but no promises that they will be consecutive days...]

I promise, I will do this [in a paragraph or two?] briefly.  Without attempting to summarize or come to a clean conclusion.  And conversely, without embarrassment or qualifications.

They will be a wide variety of wrestlings and things I love - some bigger, some smaller - all weighed with discretion for contextual appropriateness before sharing.  But each real in its own wrestling and blessing.  I totally thought these out this morning while waiting for my annual well-patient OBGYN appointment.  [TMI? Probably.  But I totally did just so you know.]

Perhaps you will follow along.  Perhaps you won't.  But if you do, I hope it will in some small way encourage you.

Because it is in fact vulnerability, may I make one teeny tiny request?

Should you happen to share a similar struggle, or have already been through it, and feel you have wisdom to offer, perhaps a well-received response would be along the lines of:

... Offering empathy and encouragement - avoiding pithy and trite phrases as much as possible.  Consider how you can bless gifts and struggle with your words and your responses.

... Not minimizing active struggle by jumping straight to solution or advice.  Leaving the ball in our court as to whether we're ready for advice, or just need to know that we're not alone.

And if you are willing, would you consider sharing out loud, in social media, one thing that you really love about yourself (#WhatILikeAboutMe)?  And maybe one place that you are actively wrestling?

Let's see what happens.  But here we go...