Surely it's not just me?! Someone tell me it's not just me? Please?
And this totally got way worse once boy numero dos arrived, for the record.
Maybe it's the hours and hours on end of speaking in third person, and rehashing every teeny tiny detail of what we have done thus far today, minus many useful prepositions ("mommy eat table?" "Why-ya in table" "mommy run gym?" "missing nudie!") - or maybe it's one too many readings of "The Very Hungry Caterpillar" - or maybe it's just that my toddlers are not quite advanced enough to have an informed conversation about Iranian nuclear agreement (although I am fairly certain, could still pronounce it more accurately than ye olde George W).
Whatever it is, when the time comes to engage with adults (actual grown ups!) - I often feel completely lacking in conversation topics, current knowledge, and even sometimes words necessary for communication. Surprisingly, prepositions are actually necessary for adult conversation (who knew?). My punchlines are delayed, my jokes only hilarious to two year olds, and my breadth and depth of knowledge sincerely lacking. And no one else wants to hear about how well Oxiclean worked on cleaning the stains out of my laundry (it's a miracle worker, truly!), or how long the kiddos napped, or my latest disciplinary challenge (it's either "missing nudie" where he tries to run away while naked or shouting "no" instead of saying "yes mommy," but you probably don't need or want to know that...)
Just being real. And I'm r
And I'm wrestling with this - and doing my best to combat it, and find meaningful ways to exercise my brain. I'm working part-time again, putting effort into getting me time each week, spending quality time with adult (parent and non-parent) friends, and even trying to read the news (HA) daily (haha). Because the reality is - I am actually quite smart, and educated, and capable, and I miss being able to have real, solid adult conversations that don't involve poop or sleep schedules or laundry. And I'm convinced that one day, some day, I will be able to fully rejoin grown-up world.
But the other half of that reality is - right now, I'm in toddler-land. I have a serious case of mommy brain. And I do feel like I have lost half of my mind. And Jen Hatmaker says mommy brain is a real thing (and also that it ends eventually) so there ya go... solidarity, y'all. Solidarity. Maybe (hopefully?) not permanently, but at least for now. This is my life and my world right now - and while there is wisdom in finding ways to exercise my brain (aforementioned, I am working on) - I think there also has to be a place of grace for where I (we?) are right now.
This seems to be a repeating theme for me.
Grace.
Breathe.
To my crazy mentally-absent-self, and anyone else to whom it feels relevant -
It's okay that you left your pasta on the top of the bookshelf and forgot it - that you can't remember when your birthday is or how old you are - or that you found your coffee cup from yesterday still in the microwave this morning.
It's okay that it takes transition time (and maybe a glass of wine) for you to fully make the transition from "mommy world" to "grown-up world."
It's okay that you miss your brain - and that sometimes it feels a little atrophied or lethargic. Don't worry that you had to look those words up to remember how to spell them. I've been told that full brain power will eventually return (TBD). Keep working those muscles as you can (that is important) but don't stress about the ways that life is different now, or even that you're different right now.
Grace. Grace. More grace.
Because I'll tell you what I realized this morning, as I was oscillating between trying (HA) to read the NYTimes to learn (failed, just fyi, but trying nonetheless) about the Iranian nuclear deal and singing "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" for the 80th time this morning -
I realized that in place of active brain cells right now - I have a million moments of laughter - laughing at myself, and laughing with my children at all the minutia of life that they find hilarious.
In place of current events knowledge or physics formulas, I have countless memories of my children's firsts, routines, and special moments. And about 80 gazillion children's books, memorized cover to cover.
I can't tell you succinctly why a hot air balloon levitates (it has something to do with hot air being lighter than cold), but I can translate most of my sons toddler-speak for you and figure out how to explain seed germination to a two year old.
And I might not feel like my old self anymore, at least at the moment, but I know parts of myself that I never knew before - and my understanding of who I am, and how deeply I am loved, is deeper and richer than it ever has been before, with or without aforementioned brain cells.
And that in itself is grace not to be missed.
So to my mommy (and daddy) friends - solidarity. I'm right there with you. And I have been told that our brain cells will return eventually. But for now, grace and memories and moments not to be missed. And if you find good ways to exercise the brain muscles, let me know. I'm all ears and lethargic brain muscles.
To my non-parent friends - please continue to invite me/us to hang out with you. And please give me grace when I seem incoherent, or struggle to be relevant, or leave out prepositions when speaking. Maybe throw me a bone and ask me something easy - to help me warm up and have something to talk about. Or just laugh with me about it all. I love you, and time with you makes a world of difference in my ability to be present, as a healthy happy person, in my mommy memory making moments.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go find the last cup of coffee that I abandoned somewhere, hopefully not confusing it for one from a previous decade...
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