Up until this point, when I had informed people that my oldest was, at that point almost one, but not quite - and that the two would be 17 months apart - up until this point, I was inevitably always met with, "Oh wow! So close! That's going to be really hard/challenging/tiring/etc!" But this time - bless her - this woman, looked me straight in the eye, while still (successfully) drawing my blood, and said, "Oh that's so exciting!! My first two are that close as well, and it's so wonderful." And she went on to share, tangibly, why she loved it so much.
It was the first time - and one of the only times in my pregnancy - that anyone was so enthusiastic about their closeness in age. It wasn't that others were negative - they just expected that it would be hard, and focused on that instead. But her optimism and enthusiasm were a welcome gift - a fresh perspective, grounded in experience, from which I received a lot.
Now, nearly 11 months into "two under two" - and no longer technically two under two - I have to say, she was 100% right. [Most days] I love having two so close together and would do it all over again, exactly the same way, in a heart-beat. Yes, there are days that are hard - and yes, those first few months in particular are a handful - but not nearly as much as I thought it would be, and so so SO much better than I thought it would be. So today, I wanted to take a moment to share some of the tangible reasons why I love not just these particular two-within-two's, but having two close together in general. If this happens to be you right now, in this swirly sea of anticipating how hard it will be, I hope this will likewise be a gift to you.
1. The older one (likely) still naps. No explanation needed - mama *might* get some down time or at very least, some solo time with the little one. A huge huge gift. Now, at 11 months and nearly 28 months, they nap in the afternoons at the same time most days. HUGE huge gift. Also, one of the only reasons why I get a chance to write. I'm sure you're undyingly (??) grateful too. Also, I'm pretty sure I just made up a word. Go naps!
2. You haven't forgotten all the baby stuff yet. Seriously. Sleep training and weaning, baby proofing, how to tie on a Moby, preferences on what you want to feed them, and cues for when they're ready, and even remembering when the sleep regressions are (heaven help us) before they hit - you're totally there and don't need a refresher course. Also all the things you swore you'd never forget about actually taking it easy postpartum and all those lessons you learned with the first one - well, you're actually close enough that you might remember them this go-round! And the house is already baby-proofed - ba-da-bing, ba-da-boom.
3. You're still in diaper mode - and you don't have to worry about potty training too. Or maybe you do? Maybe you've already potty trained? Teach me your ways. Seriously. July is our month and I'm mildly terrified. Banking on warm weather and lots of outdoor time. Also, Oxiclean for everything. But I digress. Regardless, when they're two under two and you're exhausted and forgetting your own name, and considering the efficacy of a chamber pot for yourself, trying to keep up with a toddler new-to-potty is a handful, or so I've been told. Close together, just wash (or buy) more diapers. And you can do an assembly line to take care of messes, making changing time only a small-ish portion of your day. [Cloth has been my best friend, especially with two so close together - diapers be expennnn-seeeeve!]
4. The temper tantrums at one and a half are so much easier than the ones at two and a half. This is one that I'm just now learning - and they're kicking my butt, for what it's worth. But toddlers (apparently) go through a fairly major transition around 2.5 - moving out of toddlerhood into the next stage, where they exert a lot of will, a lot of emotion, and a lot of no (NO no NO!), all at the same time. Introducing a new baby at any point brings (some? lots?) temper tantrums and emotions - to all - but at least in my experience, the ones that occurred before we hit two were so much easier to manage ("ooo look a cow?!" "want to play with water?!" "how 'bout mommy sings a song?!") than the ones that come with a little bit more emotional clarity and exertion of will.
5. They really are each others best friends - and the laughter is hilarious, because they just find each other (and some really bizarre funny-only-to-toddlers things!) really funny. Everyone says this one, so I almost didn't even include it, but it's (at least thus far) been so true for my two that I relented. Forgive the cliche. But they have no basically memories without the other. They do everything together - and S always wants E with him on whatever adventure he's going on, even if "No, Why-ya" is his constant refrain, as he attempts to keep him younger brother from *breathing* on anything that he sees as "his." Likewise, E thinks his big brother is the absolute coolest ever. And also the funniest. Today, they were cracking each other up on the kitchen floor over a broom, a popsicle stick, and dust bunnies. Still not sure why. But their laughter is infectious and makes our house a lighter, happier place, and I am so glad they have each other.
6. They actually do entertain each other fairly well (now). This one took time, but now, 11 months in, they actually do most days. I was reflecting on this this morning, as I was trying to sew something for my (hopefully coming soon) Etsy shop, while both boys were awake. Now, granted, our house is small enough that sitting at my sewing machine I can pretty much see and hear all corners of it, but, in general, I can typically bank on a little bit of time to some diversion like sewing, as one child plays with something... and the other chases his brother. Or very occasionally, as they both play with something together without the obligatory "mine! mine! mine!" And listening to them talk to each other in their cribs as they fall asleep - or listening to S sing twinkle twinkle little star to E - it's priceless.
7. Developmentally, the same activities interest both - so life is a little easier to schedule. Also, they play with a lot of the same toys, so the sheer magnitude of toys takes over slightly fewer rooms.
8. It has been hugely helpful in teaching different social dynamics to S. Right at the age where we're learning about sharing, playing (nicely) together, personal property, etc., we have a built-in-playmate who can help to make those lessons tangible, day-in, and day-out. And S, who has always been more shy and reserved, all of a sudden is coming out of his shell, bolstered by the fearless socialite of his younger brother, yet still in a age-setting where both of them are together, with similar peers. Similarly, E has someone who "talks" much closer to his language and plays with him always - helping with his own language and social development.
9. You have to take yourself a little less seriously and you learn in earnest that you cannot be all things to or for your babies much faster. The sheer magnitude of needs quickly deflates any inflated perceptions that we might have of ourselves - and helped me, at least, release the savior complex, and realize that I had to ask for help, had to let some "ideals" go, and couldn't always respond immediately to whatever the seemingly pressing need was. And as a result, they also learned (S in particular) how to do some things for themselves earlier and how to wait at other times. I learned how to triage (not literally yet, thankfully) and determine with wisdom what was a "now" need and what could wait a few minutes while I dealt with the other needs of the moment. And that wisdom was actually incredibly freeing from the tyranny of the now. Not to say that we need to make our kids grow up faster - we don't, but there is wisdom in them learning to wait and have flexibility - or that this lesson isn't also be learned with a wider gap between ages - it is. But for me, having two so close together forced me to press into that faster than I might have otherwise. And has, as a result, made me a much more relaxed and peaceful mom than I
You do ridiculous things to balance them both (sometimes literally) - and ridiculous things to keep them both entertained and laughing. And you just have to laugh more - otherwise, some days you might just go crazy, from the sheer amount of poop, chaos and cheerios. And that laughter is a good and beautiful gift. And if you're lucky, echoes back to you from your kids as well, keeping all of life much lighter and more joyful as a result.
These are certainly not attributes or benefits limited exclusively to having two under two - they certainly extend beyond that, and each family has to do what is right, feasible, or possible for them - but they are certainly reasons that I am glad to have had our kids so close together. And so, if you are one of those mamas anticipating two under two - hearing a lot of how hard it will be, I just want to say to you - have hope, mama. It's good. It's really good. It is hard some days - but not all days - and not nearly as many days as you're worried that it will be. And I really do mean it when I say, I love it, and wouldn't change it for the world. It's a good, good, gift. And I'm daily thankful.
KD
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