I don't want to talk about President Trump. I doubt you and I will ever agree on that, and right wrong or otherwise, that's a can of worms we're going to deal with together over the next four years. That's a topic for another post. Today, I want to talk about you and me, k?
I know you and I love you (and consider many of you friends).
And I mean that very literally. You are my family. My brothers and sisters. My friends. You are the people that gave me my first jobs. People who stood by us at our wedding. People who have prayed with me, cried with me, debated amiably with me, hoped for me; I've held your babies and you've held mine.
While you and I have vastly different voting issues, and in some cases, values - I respect you. You are lawyers, doctors, religious, non-religious, teachers, and parents - you that I know, I do not think you ignorant or hate-filled. There are many things that I appreciate and love about you, present tense, even while I cannot agree with you in your political application.
I don't know about you, but I am tired of divisive rhetoric that pits us against one another. I am tired of the way in which you are blanket painted as ignorant, close-minded and intentionally racist and those of my mentality are all as radicals, devoid of moral values and thin skinned or reactionary. I am tired of feeling like you and I are on opposite "sides," holding on to alternate "facts" and capable solely of calling each other nasty names. Simply shouting at one another, trying to persuade one another by who can
We can be better than this.
I'm just hoping that maybe we can talk. You know, civilly. And *actually listen* to one another. Without the sole goal being to advance our own position.
"I care about X" "I'm afraid of Y"
"Why is that?" "Tell me more"
"How are you hoping that will be addressed?" "I would love to see X happen" "What do you think?"
Have you noticed that we (within white, middle class, mainstream America) rarely have to ask "what do you think?" because most of the time the other person has stopped listening several paragraphs back, as they prepared their response, and has already interrupted your thought in order to insert their own? How many of you are already formulating your responses, and just skimming now?
Listening, I think, is an element of civility that we have lost in the age of social media and the ability to live-stream our own lives/thoughts/opinions ad nauseam.+
Make no mistake, I am in no way shape or form advocating for us moving towards a muddled and half-baked middle ground which grays the issues that I (we) believe matter. Nor am I suggesting that we should "keep on the sunny side" and simply ignore any and all issues we believe in when in "mixed (political) company." That disregards real hurts, real desires, and real hopes and only buries wounds. I believe far too strongly in the importance and gravity of the issues that I vote on to do that. (I had written a very snappy summary of what some of those issues are for me - that I really liked! - but I think it's probably more divisive than helpful here, so I'm cutting it. Ask me in person if you want to know.)
And while I have my long list - I know that you likewise have yours. Things that truly matter to you. That are viable and valuable. Or, similar values to mine, but different means of achieving them.
But somewhere along this crazed election path - probably before, but 2016 has brought it to stark light - we have stopped hearing one another. Stopped associating with people who believe differently than we do. Instead, we isolate ourselves, surrounded by people who reinforce our own views, and thus impoverished our own understanding and demonized entire segments of the population. Facebook, your algorithms are not helping.
So here's my promise to you - I am listening (and reading).
I will read the articles that you post, even if I don't comment (c.f. time) or agree. Like Ainsley Hayes** on West Wing, I will call out ad hominem statements from my "side" on "yours" - trusting that your intentions are not foul. Even while I will not stand for memes or statements from you that marginalize or disrespect those that I hold dear. I want to *hear* what matters to you. Not debate with you - I'm done sparring online or quietly shouting in person. I have neither time nor emotional bandwidth - I have three small children; I'm literally running on coffee - for contentious monologues solely for the purpose of raising ire. But if you're willing to actually talk to me - not at me - to share with me, what matters to you - what you're hoping for - what you're disappointed in - what you think needs to be changed - then I'm listening. Please use "I" statements, not "you" or "they" or even "DJT." Bonus points - my preference - if it's in person. Coffee's on me.
I will listen because I value you. Because I want us to be able to *hear* one another, even if we do not change each others' minds. I will listen because I think hearing different opinions actually helps to hone and refine my own. I will listen because I have the privilege of doing so. And I will listen because my hunch is - whether you're right and DJT brings dramatic and needed shake-it-up change, or I'm right and DJT unseats our stability and makes policy changes that are hurtful and unwise - my hunch is that we are heading into a shake-down-shake-up 4 years. My hunch is that we need people who are listening to one another. Willing to acknowledge when their "side" is wrong. Able to translate themselves and be cross-cultural agents. Willing to dialogue to unearth the real truth, as opposed to requiring alternative facts.
Will you join me?
Can we relearn the art of listening well? Of seeking to understand and hear the other person's heart and needs and desires, different though they might be from our own?
I fear, that unless we learn to listen again, to stand on equal ground with one another, we will not make it very far.
- KD
+ I am writing this from the position of being middle class and white - I am not ignorant to the privilege therein, nor of the many years that those in minority have spent listening, whose voices now need to be heard rather than be told to listen more. As such, I am predominantly speaking to those in my social strata who are desperately in need of a reestablished ability to listen and actually hear.
**The quote I'm thinking of is: "Say they're smug and superior. Say their approach to public policy makes you want to tear your hair out. Say they like high taxes and spending your money. Say they want to take your guns and open your borders, but don't call them worthless. At least don't do it in front of me. The people that I have met have been extraordinarily qualified, their intent is good. Their commitment is true, they are righteous, and they are patriots." (season 2, episode 4)
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