If you see something, say something.

Have you ever reported something suspicious?

I have, once.

I was taking the T downtown early one morning, with the boys, and we saw a young (white, cleanly dressed) man over almost behind the station, squatted down on the ground, looking around furtively, as he pulled handfuls of wires and cords out of his backpack.  It was out-of-the-ordinary enough, and he looked nervous enough, and in a place that you shouldn't be unless you were wearing a uniform of some nature, that I reported it to the transportation police.

My palms were sweating, my heart racing, and I must have gone back and forth about whether to say something or not a million times.  What if I'm wrong? What if it's nothing? But what if I'm not?

What if this matters, whether I speak up or not?

We all know the now familiar adage - "If you see something, say something" which makes speaking up our responsibility if we see something amiss -   but while I can think of this story (and others) where I did speak up, I can also think of countless others where I didn't.  Where I had the thought, "this is not okay,"  the sweaty palms and racing heart, but for any number of reasons, did not say anything.

Can you sense my pivot here?

... the meme that a friend member posted, comparing black women to animals.
... that time a family member dropped the n word in a joke or insinuated that only whites were welcome in their home
... the bruises on her face and arms that she laughed off and then tried to hide
... the casual way that he joked about forcing a girl to kiss him
...  countless comments from male bosses about female colleagues' bodies
... the casual way we trash talked about him or her

These are (a few of) my real stories of places I have remained silent.  Places where things were legitimately suspect or wrong, and I didn't engage.  I turned away, ignored, or vented about it to someone else, rather than speaking up.  I'm not proud of them.  Several of them still grieve me.  And I'm guessing, if you're honest, that you can think of your own.

The reasons that we remain silent when we should speak up are many.  What if I'm wrong?  What if it's nothing?  What if it's not my place?  What if I offend?  But s/he is so much older than me, there's no way to do this respectfully.  They're a nice person. It's just a joke.  I don't know what to say.  And so we remain silent, even though our bodies and hearts tell us that what is being said or seen is not right.  We remove ourselves from responsibility and "hope for the best" - that maybe someone else will say something if it really matters.

Because that's really what it is - responsibility.  Responsibility to the speaker/actor to not leave poor ideas or actions unchallenged and responsibility to the receiver, to ensure that they are cared for, safe, and their value demonstrated in our actions.   Even responsibility to ourselves, to not numb our consciences or our commitment to our fellow man.  But, often times, we choose comfort and a laissez faire attitude instead - we "bless their hearts" and "live and let live" to the detriment of those being belittled, and ultimately to ourselves as well.

Sometimes it's nothing.  But sometimes it actually matters that we speak up.

Can I suggest a few helpful places to start?

Pay attention to your body - those twinges of conscience are a good sign that you might need to speak up.  Often times, for me, that manifests physically.  I get uncomfortable, my heart races, my hands sweat, I feel hot.  My laughter is nervous.

Ask yourself - is this an irritation or an actual offense?  Is it a personal preference or something that is actually damaging to another?  There's one woman at church who consistently tells me to dress my daughter in more pink because blue/green is a boy color.  It drives me nuts.  But it doesn't hurt anyone.  It's something I disagree with, but mostly swallow out of respect to her.  Does it defame, wound, or damage someone?  Am I actually okay with the behavior being joked about or discussed?  Would I be okay receiving it?  Is this about protecting my preference or ego, or about defending a human being (sometimes myself, but often times someone else)?

Don't laugh - and say "that isn't funny."  In high school, I had one friend loved to tell jokes that weren't actually jokes, just to see how many people would laugh even though they didn't get it (because there was nothing to get).  It's amazing how many of us will laugh at something, even though it's not funny, because we feel like everyone else is.   That's the naked Emperor all over again.  Even if you're ridiculed for "not having a sense of humor" - I guarantee you there are others in the room who will be grateful that you spoke up, and who will notice and remember the next time they hear a joke like that.  Sometimes you don't need a long explanation to have an impact.

Don't just go along with the stated assumption.  As I think about how "say something," especially when it pertains to family members or people who are my "elders" - being respectful is important.  Especially in some cultures, honor and respect are paramount.  But there are still ways to respectfully, honorably evoke dialogue and suggest a different way.  Sometimes a question can open the door for that - "Grandmother, why do you say that?  What did you mean?" "Appa, tell me more about that experience.  Was it good or bad?" "Respectfully, I disagree."  "I think about it this (other) way." A correction in the direction of a conversation does not have to be a rebuke, sometimes it's just a rock in the river whose ripples are more influential than its initial impact.

Sometimes there is a place where being direct is needed.  When this is the case, as much as possible, be gentle, relational, and clear that you are addressing the issue with what was said/done and not the evil in the person.  "When you said X, it was offensive to me because..." as opposed to "You are offensive." "This meme is offensive to me because..."  Attacks on the person's intelligence/views/personhood and snarky jabs of your own will feel good, but do very little to actually correct a wrong.  Speak gently, but directly to the offense.  And be willing to engage with the other relationally, for as long as it takes.  Recognize that social media can be good for starting the conversation, but that it is often times better followed up in person.

When we choose to press in and engage, there will be times when that goes well and is fruitful and restorative.  There will be other times when it's messy and ugly and unpleasant.  There will be times when you'll speak up and shouldn't have - when this happens, we have to practice humility and own our mistakes.

Responsibility is weighty.  But it is also worthwhile.

If you see something, say something.