say YES

Maybe you've heard of the new trend - to chose a word for your New Year, rather than making ambitious resolutions.  Originating in 2006, according to some sources, from Ali Edwards "One Little Word Project," its popularity spans from Melinda Gates to Christian bloggers, to a twitter movement.  I'm not typically a bandwagon-eer, but there is something appealing to me in the simplicity of a single word that reminds me of who I am and how I want to live out the year. 

So for 2019, I am jumping on ye olde wagon, and selecting the word "YES" for my word.

[Apparently Shonda Rhimes already did this, and wrote a book about it, but I'm not going for originality here, and I would be thrilled if my year of yes was halfway as exciting as hers.]

Yes, because as I thought about the things that I wanted to live into this year, it kept coming up as a theme... I wanted to laugh more, I wanted to go on more adventures and be more spontaneous, I wanted to take more risks, I wanted to stop feeling small, I wanted to believe that I was/am enough, I wanted to live life more fully, I wanted to build deeper friendships, I wanted to stop being afraid, I wanted to see healing happen in various areas of my life, and on and on. 

And it didn't feel like those things were inaccessible to me - but it often felt like I simply chose otherwise, whether out of fear, or "logic", or need for security.  I say no to things that are life-giving, and continue to trudge away under unnecessary loads of life-sucking ish.  And I'm tired of it.

This year has been a hard one for me - in different ways than the previous one, when we went through the active part of Jon's cancer journey.  That year was exhausting, devastating, and focused on one purpose and goal - it was a marathon, where we put our heads down and ran and did whatever we had to do to survive.  This year has been one of recovery, and realizing just how battered and bruised I was.  It has been one of emptiness, scars, and grief for losses that I wasn't able to grieve then.  Of realizing just how much fear I let in, and how small my world had to become, and how messy I was am. I told Jon the other night, I feel like a hollow shell of myself, no longer able to laugh, struggling to feel like me.  I feel shut down, guarded, and small - doubtful of myself, very keenly aware of the ways that fear, anger, and sadness have a foothold. 

And yet, I know that this is not who I am, if for no other reason than that I remember...  I remember who I am (the good work that God has begun in me is not finished, nor was it in vain).  I remember seasons where I have lived into who I am.  I know what it feels like to be content in my own skin.  I remember what it feels like to feel full and abundant and able to welcome others into a contented presence.  Two steps forward, one step back.  I am continually on the same journey, to be a woman with peace in my presence, a woman who knows who she is, and knows that she is called beloved.

The other night, we watched Moana with the kids and I was struck by (((spoiler alert))) the moment when Moana realizes that the lava monster Te Ka is actually Te Fiti, beloved goddess of the islands, robbed of her heart.  As she walks towards her, she sings

"They have stolen the heart from inside you

But this does not define you

This is not who you are

You know who you are"

I resonate with Te Ka, and the sense of loss (and fear of loss) turning me into a version of myself that I don't always recognize, a hollow shell of the bold, life-loving, adventure-seeking woman that I am and long to be again.   But just as the waters part, and Moana restores the heart of Te Fiti, so too, God promises to turn our hearts of stone back into hearts of flesh.  To remind us of who we are, and bring us yet again into the spacious place. 

So YES, is my way of saying "I will receive."  No, I will not be cowed by fear anymore. 

There have certainly been seasons when I, being the type A driven personality that I am, have needed to say no more.  Where I've needed to do less so that my identity is not based on what I succeed (or fail) in.  In the past, I have needed to cut back drastically in order to focus on rest and purpose and intentionality in my yeses - giving my Best Yes, as it were. 

But this doesn't feel like one of those seasons.  It feels like a season where the invitation is to say yes to life - in some cases with reckless abandon, in others, with intentionality and measured hope.  To expect more, of myself, and others.  To assume yes, rather than preempt a no.  To be open, rather than closed.  To intentionally move out of the bunker and into a wider, fresher place.  Sure there are other words that could describe this as well - more, open, adventure, life, to name a few.  But YES gives me simple guidance, it gives me a starting place, and it indicates a heart-openness that I want to grab hold of.

In some ways, it's a reset button. An invitation into a more spacious place...

I'm expecting it to feel uncomfortable and foreign.  I'm expecting to fail often in saying yes (already have).  But even just in the past three days, having this word in the back of my mind has altered the ways that I respond, on a gut level to different people, opportunities, adventures and invitations - and I'm excited to see where it goes from here.