a honest convo about returning to work

If you and I were to sit down and have coffee today, our conversation would span many different topics, one of which wold be my recent return to work.  As a young mom, to an even younger child, my return to work (part-time, out of need) has oft been the center of reflections, thoughts, condolences, and opinions spanning the spectrum - some of which resonate, others less so.  And, as I often tailor my  reflections to the conversation I am in, in the spirit of honesty, I thought it pertinent that I reflect here transparently, even as I process... so here we go.

Return to Work... 

If we were to sit down and talk, I would tell you that it's hard.  That I often feel divided, torn, missing out.  That days like yesterday, when I come home and my baby is red-faced and teary, big elephant tears on his cheeks, sleepy, and holds on like he never wants to let go - those are the hardest of days.  The days when I want to cry, to hold him and promise that I'll never leave ever again.  The days when I  question our calling, life choice to serve in ministry, and need for two incomes.

And yet... I would tell you that I am glad that we have made the life choices that we have.  That I'm proud of my husband and the man that he is, the work that he does. I am proud of our family, and the values that we have.  I am proud of myself, and my ability to help support our family.  That I wouldn't change those things.  I would tell you that part of being a wife, a mother, is doing all that I can to care for our family in whatever way is needed - inside and outside of the home.  And I'm glad for the ways that I can do that.

I would tell you that I am SO glad that it's just part time.

I would tell you that work has been incredibly supportive of me, being a young, working mom.  That I am so grateful for all the ways that they have worked with me - for the sake of my family, even though they didn't have to.  I would tell you that my husband is an incredible dad, and I am so glad that he is able to work from home on the days that I work away from home, so he can take care of our son.  And I would tell you that he takes fantastic care of our son.  I would tell you that he works really hard to provide for our family and that he does a good job - that he is a good provider for us.  And I would tell you that he has been entirely supportive of me, both in my desire to be home with our son, and my transition back to work. That I feel that support, and depend on it.

I would tell you that pumping at work sucks.  That I understand why women give up nursing when they return to work.  Each day, instead of a half hour for lunch, I take three short breaks to pump - and I eat lunch at my desk. Every time.  And dressy for work, plus dressing for pumping severely limits my wardrobe.  And even though my work is set up well to care for breastfeeding moms - many others aren't - it's still darn hard.  Frustrating.  Tiring.  Worth it.  But hard.

I would tell you that I think my return to work is good for our marriage - not just in easing a financial burden - but because we have more to talk about than just work for him and baby for me.  We share life, work, and family... he has days at home with our son, diapers, growth spurts.  I have colleagues, conflict, tiring days, and tricky conversations.  And vice versa.  We tangibly get to walk in each others shoes.  Serve one another.  Even in the ways that are counter-intuitive to us.

I would tell you that I didn't want to go back to work - and that some days, I still don't. That there is a part of me that would love to be able to stay at home full-time.  That looks forward to a day when that is an option for us.  And yet... there is also a part of me that dreams of what I could do, were I to continue to work.  That has hopes, dreams, and longings for a career.  That even though I am fully a mommy, who I am as me, hasn't faded.  That even in the days when I miss my son the most, wish I could be home the most, there's also a part of me that enjoys working.  Dreams of what I could do.  And yet... that even on the days in which I love working the most, I still miss my son.  Lament that I'm not there all.the.time.  Hates being away. Wishes I could also be home. And both are good things.

I would tell you that it seems that most people understand either or.  Either the desire to stay home with my family.  Or the desire to have a career.  The divide is messy.

I would tell you that I'm torn.  That it's both and, not either or.  That no matter what choice we make, no matter what choice you make, or have to make, it's not often easy for a mom who has figure out that balance.

I would tell you that I'm still learning.  Growing.  Discerning.  That I'm hopeful that it will become clearer.  But for right now, I'm living in the messy.  In the middle.  In the both and.

KD