Resolved: on money

Money.

Ugh.

Favorite topic, no?  Great way to keep a party conversation going, right?  Not making it, spending it, or not having it - but money itself.  And the all-inclusive, often uncomfortable, very rarely named, topics surrounding it.  Goodbye, to the half of my readers who are now exiting the page - thanks for stopping by.  For those of you still here, please don't worry - there's no lesson or entreaty for you here, just my own story and reflections of the day.

But seriously, let's talk about money -  I have an interesting relationship with it, I talk about it all.the.time, and yet I never want to really talk about it, and yet, even so, it seems to be the lesson of my day, so here goes.  Let me set the stage a little bit.

Right now, my husband is sitting on our kitchen floor, surrounded by various parts of motor, fans, and gadgets that he could name, but I just call thingamawhatsits, attempting to teach himself how to repair a window air-conditioning unit that we got off of craigslist (which proceeded to break less than 24 hours later - lesson learned? Most likely not, let's be real, but oh well).  I could not be prouder of him and his fix-it skills.  But our chunky, clunky, [broken], A/C will most likely be going curbside on trash day. And the question for us is, "Can we afford...?" "What do we do next...?"

One of the browsers that I have up on my computer is to a discount furniture store, where we have been debating for quite some time (weeks/months) buying (new) couches, since the one that we have (again, craigslist - I tell you, it's a love-hate relationship) has a crack in the middle  - that we affectionately refer to as "the krakin" because it - oh so comfortably-until-it's-not - swallows things, including whole human beings, c.f. us, most evenings.  The bed inside has a mattress which has been home to many a good family of mice, and could be compared in comfort to sleeping on a pile of sticks that are held together by barbed wire.  (Anyone want to buy it from us on craigslist??  Very good used condition!).  But even given it's current state, and the fact that we have the money to buy the (discount) couches, we keep going back and forth.

Add into that a number of unexpected bills this past month - balanced billing for heating that then ends the year in a monster [unexpected] bill really defeats the purpose, in my humble opinion.  Car repairs.  Travel expenses.  High cost of living.  Blah blah blah.  You get the picture - it's on my mind a lot.

So money.

Growing up, there was always enough money - but we knew that things were tight.  We didn't have lots of extras, we didn't have many new things - and we knew that money can cause stress and had to be managed well.  Luxury items had to be carefully thought through and justifiable.

I learned to find deals.  To shop sales.  To do math in my head.  To get things for free.  To do without, when something was not necessary.  To know the difference between necessity and not.

We learned that you work hard, in order to provide for your family.  We learned not to take things for granted.  And we learned to save.  Not to be frivolous.  All good lessons, lessons that I still utilize, and am grateful for.   Thanks to my family, I know how to manage money well.  And do.  And that's a good thing.

Then I went into full-time ministry, fund-raising my salary, benefits, and all expenses.  And right, wrong, or otherwise, became accountable for the ways that I handled money.  And, oh yeah, then I married a full-time ministry man. Totally simplified things.  Right, wrong, or otherwise, often felt that because we were donor-supported, that I needed to always be "tight" on money.  That anything beyond the bare bones minimum, was greedy, excess and poor stewardship - everything had to be justified. Right, wrong, or otherwise.  Right, wrong, or otherwise, if I can be blunt, I think that's often times an easy lie for folks in full-time ministry.  If you get a chance to tell someone you love in full-time ministry that that's a lie, go for it.  Results might surprise you. But that's tangential.

Somewhere in there, I started to feel like I had to justify every way that I spent money.  To keep it bare bones.  And so, even though I already did the deal thing, shopped the sales, calculated bills in my head, budgeted, went for the freebies, didn't buy extra things - I thought about money a whole.freaking.lot.of.ALL.the.time.  How to spend it, how to budget it, how not to spend it.  I had have a spreadsheet that I check, and update every day.  To say that it has been an obsession at times would be an understatement.  And I felt poor, always.  And because I thought that there should never be more than the bare minimum, I felt like there was never more than the bare minimum, even when there was.  It's a different mammonic trap than some, but it's a prison none-the-less.

And then grace came.  Somewhere in there.  Abundant and free.  Crazy grace of God - the invitation to actual be thankful - to enjoy the nice, good, abundant gifts that He gives.  To release my grasp on money and actually - occasionally, obviously - buy something nice.  To have freedom rather than imprisonment, by money.  To see what I had, rather than what I didn't have.  To see myself as rich, and to live in the extravagance of what I did have, with wisdom, rather than its poverty.

Full disclosure - I looked up the median household income in our city, and in our neighborhood, and we're well below the city median, but close to our neighborhood median. Curious how you fare? The reality is, with one full-time ministry salary, and a generous part-time position, we don't have excess, but we have enough.  And, thanks to very generous supporters, we have yet to miss a bill, or wonder where our next meal is coming from.  And while we do have to think about money, and budget, when an unexpected expense comes up - c.f., 90 degree weather, an infant, and a broken AC or couches that swallow people, or a high heating bill - we can make it work.  Reality is, we are not poor.

So.  Gulp.  After all those many many words, we get to the point and my invitation of the day.

It's time to live like I'm not poor.  Not because the numbers have changed, but because my heart needs to.

Doesn't mean spending money frivolously or loosing any of those good solid principles that I have learned.  To be frank, most of the management principles will remain the same.  Most of the spending habits will be similar - with the exception of maybe occasionally doing something nice for my family, myself, or someone else without guilt.

But what does need to change is this:  Gratitude.  Thankfulness.  Freedom, rather than imprisonment.

Living in the extravagance of what I do have, rather than its poverty.  To speak in that freedom rather than shame, justification, and embarrassment.

For example:

We desperately needed an A/C to keep S's room below 90, and so we hunted all over craigslist to find a cheap, affordable option - and found the best deal.

I am so glad we were able to get an A/C for S's room; that has made a huge difference.

We've decided that, because our couches swallow people, it's finally time to  replace them, so we're bargain hunting in every discount furniture store to find the cheapest possible option that will be durable.

We've been saving, and have decided to finally replace the couches with something comfortable and durable.  Glad we're going to finally be able to do that!

It might not feel like much, but to me, it's huge.  It's an invitation to not live in a prison of money; to not serve money with my language, spreadsheets, and heart.  Without qualifiers, to be grateful. To live in freedom, not poverty of spirit.

Maybe that will backfire - maybe there will be judgment from others.  But my hunch is, the prison guard is much more in my heart than anyone else's.  :)

And today, I feel the invitation to live, not behind her lock and key, but in freedom.