Anatomy of an Apology

"I'm sorry."

Two and a half small words, that when said with sincerity, heal and restore - and when absent, or cheapened with sarcasm and insincerity, deepen or hide the chasm.

I've been thinking a lot about the power of these two words lately - and apologies done well, and apologies done poorly.

My family culture is not big on apologies - and I think in many ways this is true for a lot of us.  If, when, we mess up - hurt feelings, step on toes, have conflict between good friends or family - we tend to resolve it by stepping over it, burying it, and trying to be extra nice to make up for it.  Or, saying "sorry..." as the beginning of a sentence that then explains how the error was not actually our fault or shouldn't have bothered the other person (making excuses to justify ourselves and then trying to move on).  Or just pretending it never happened and never addressing it - hoping the other person doesn't either - but neither one fully forgetting.  Or, the more extroverted version - argue extra loud your own individual side and justifications and feelings until both sides are tired, done arguing, and (might) feel heard, but neither one has actually owned anything or apologized in any way.

On the flip side of the spectrum, just to be fair, are those who constantly apologize for everything, even things that are not their fault, in the effort to maintain peace and harmony.   In this too, I would argue that true apology is also absent - what you have instead is a stop-gap designed to end a conflict, again without real resolution because all too often, constant apologizers rob others of the right and responsibility of owning their own actions.

In my family culture, we are bury-ers and extra-nice-ers.   But the words "I'm sorry" rarely cross our lips, unless in the context of "I'm sorry, okay??  What do you want from me? Let's move on." 

As I grew up, however, through wisdom, or perhaps rebellion, or perhaps just a desire for change - I made a commitment that I would - no matter the cost - apologize and own my own mistakes and ways that I hurt others.  As I have aged, and am aging, I am growing in not cheapening apology by overcompensating and constant apologizing.  And both have served me well - I have learned that deep healing in relationships, and true reconciliation, only happen when error is faced and owned.  And so for that reason, I share with you now what I have learned, about the anatomy of an apology.  It goes something like this:

1.  I feel like I should apologize to you...
2.  I did/didn't do X... (always personal pronouns, and a specific apology).
3.  That was (wrong of me, not respectful of you, hurtful to you, made you feel X...).  I'm sorry.
4.  Will you please forgive me?"
5.  And then you don't say anything more and let them respond.

It is sincere.  In that, it should never be shouted.  It's not part of a fight.  Or even part of the conflict.  It is a deliberate action of tearing down a wall and building a bridge.

It is specific.  It either asks the question, "I can tell that I have hurt you; can you help me understand how I have hurt you so that I can work to make it right?" or it is specific in saying, "I feel like or I have acted wrongly towards you in x [y, and z] way." General apologies are good in principle, but do very little to assuage guilt or to heal hurt.  "I'm sorry" is not a magic phrase that ends conflict - it is an acknowledgement that we caused hurt in a specific way.

It (often times) hurts. A true apology costs us something - it costs us both our guilt and our self-defensiveness.  It leaves us exposed, and forces us to face another without shields or weapons, and acknowledge the hurt between us.  It requires humility and vulnerability.

It is not many times, and it is many times.  An apology should not be a place of manipulation for the other person either - if you apologized one time, sincerely for the failure, and the other person cannot or does not want to forgive, then that ball is in their court - it is not required of you to do repeat penance over and over again apologizing for the same thing.  Sincere apology, where guilt is owned, should leave it behind.  However, it is many times, in the sense of, especially in long term relationships, you will often do the same thing over and over and over again, and need to apologize again, and again, and again.  One apology once for the same thing repeated, doesn't get you off the hook.  In fact, the process of confessing and apologizing should actually drive us to repentance in those reiterating places.  The very act of reconciliation should in ideal situation, be part of the process of our own transformation.

It is not merely or always about the rightness or wrongness of action.  Sometimes there is nothing wrong with your actions or words - but they have been hurtful or insensitive to the other person, or hit a wound in the other person that was painful, damaging or disrespectful.  A true apology is more about acknowledging the hurt or the disrespect of the other person, and saying, "I own the ways in which I have caused hurt to you or behaved poorly to you."  Yesterday, I had to apologize to my 11 month old for eating a cinnamon bun in front of him - when he clearly wanted it but wasn't supposed to have it.  Absolutely nothing wrong with eating a cinnamon bun, but it added frustration to him - and to him, felt like taunting (as evidenced by his complete and total meltdown).

It isn't about what anyone has done other than you.  You can't apologize for anything other than what you have done or left undone.  Nor can you do penance for what your actions have "made them do."  At the end of the day, we all have responsibility for our own actions - we can own the ways that we act, the ways that we cause pain (real or perceived), the ways that we fail, the ways that we make others feel.  But we can't change anyone else or carry guilt for anyone else - or make anyone else feel guilt, for that matter.  And an apology is not the place to try and make the other person understand their own errors*.  An apology is actually about absolving guilt, releasing it, and (hopefully) receiving forgiveness and healing in the relationship.

* We can talk more about loving confrontations later - because there is a place for them as well.

It does not justify.  There is plenty of space and time for justification - in argument, and discussion.   However, when you get the place where you are owning your own part in the mess, it cannot be conditional.  "I'm sorry that you felt hurt because you are emotional today" is not an apology.  It is a shift of blame masquerading as an apology.  Anytime a "but you" or "I did it because" enters in to the apology, the apology is morphing in its identity.  

It does not demand reciprocation.  In an ideal world, one apology would be met with another, as conflict is almost always two-sided.  But an apology is about you owning your part, and acknowledging the hurt of the other - and not about forcing the other person to also apologize.  Realistically, while that is incredibly healing to receive, it doesn't always happen.   It can leave the door open, by acknowledging your own hurt - "When you said x, it was really hurtful to me - but I reacted poorly and lashed out at you rather than handling it maturely.  Please forgive me."

It always ends with a request for forgiveness - And I think this is actually one of the most crucial parts of the apology for both the apologizer and the receiver - this is the shaping place for us.  Where either healing happens, or we revert back to our burying ways.  It is tempting when you receive an apology to say, "Oh it's okay, don't worry about it" and to minimize both the conflict and the apology.  I am often guilty of this - because in the same way that it's hard to actually apologize, it's also hard to face the other person and likewise acknowledge that there was hurt on your end as well.  But when we do this, we lose the opportunity to actually build the bridge together and move forward not just not move on.

When Jon and I were in premarital counseling, one of the most valuable skills that our counselor taught us, was the language of confession and forgiveness.  That is to say, all of the above in terms of confession and asking for forgiveness.  And the response of looking the other person in the eyes, respecting and acknowledging their apology and then the building your half of the bridge by saying simply either "that was hurtful to me, thank you for saying that" or "I didn't feel hurt by that, but I appreciate you saying that" and, if you are able, "I forgive you."  Thus completing the circle of absolving and releasing the hurt and guilt.

I recognize that this is not a natural skill in our culture or in our relationships.  I know that it doesn't always go well.  And forgiveness is not always given - and there is legitimate hurt and relational brokenness done to us, that is not our responsibility to apologize for - and I'm not advocating for that in the slightest.  But I am betting that for each of us, there is at least one relationship or place in a broken relationship where we do need to own responsibility.  And I am willing to wager that we would have far healthier relationships were we to practice this a little bit more.

So I dare you... in fact, I double dog dare you... to take a risk, uncomfortable though it may be, to make the first move, to look a friend or family member in the eye and say a sincere, authentic, needed "I'm sorry." May it bring you freedom in this new upcoming year.