User Manual for KD

Sometimes I think I need to come with an users manual.  A very long one.  Or at very least a label with warnings.  Even coffee comes with that these days, and the reality is, I'm way more complicated than hot coffee (even though pre-pregnancy, I was made up of a higher percentage of coffee than water).

So this is going to be a pregnancy post - fair warning.  I promise, it doesn't have anything to do with weight gain or cankles or cute baby kicks or the overwhelming process of buying anything baby related (read: I have a panic attack every time I look at Babies R Us - and that's without even once darkening the threshold).  No, this one has more to do with me - as a pregnant woman, as a friend, as a person - and some of the things that have been hard or that I have been processing around pregnancy.  Think about it as an abbreviated users manual...

And just as a disclaimer for my wonderful friends and family who might read this:  this is not directed at anyone.  I promise!  Please know that I write these things out of love, not meaning to shame or belittle, to  accuse or to be passive aggressive or make anyone feel self-conscious.  This is not a rant.  But this is me - real, messy, pregnant - and some of the things I wish I could tell people coherently sometimes :) Right.  Here goes:

KD Users Manual Version 1.5 [with some new programming shifts]- otherwise known as the top 5 things I'm realizing about myself in pregnancy, some of which were true before, and some of which are new, which I want others to know!

1.  I am still me.  Yes, I am growing a human being and no longer size whatever, but I am still fundamentally me.  And the reality is, there is lot more to me than just baby.  It's a big part - and growing bigger daily - but it's not all that I am.  Ask my husband how often I have yelled into the sky, "I am more than just a vestibule by which this baby comes into the world!" Funny as this may seem, I love talking about things other than baby - in addition to sharing about baby stuff.   For example: new job, events of the day, new recipes that I've been trying, our efforts to begin making cheese, what I'm learning about myself in leaving IV staff, etc.  Please honor me by recognizing that while this baby is beyond priceless to me, and I am delighted to be his/her mom, I am also still a woman, a wife, a person, and there is more to me, my life, and my world than just this one miraculous event.

2) Please ask me more than just "How are you feeling?" I know this is motivated out of love.  I know that I was pretty sick for a while - and I know that you do legitimately want to know how I'm doing.  But the reality is, my days are divided into two categories of how I feel:

• I feel great - normal, just having a human kick me from the inside out and a backache.  This is about 70% of my days now.  Yes, we are there.  But I feel fine, good even, on most days!  

• I am _____  (fill in the blank: constipated, feeling fat, struggling with self-esteem, horny, sleepy, sad, lonely, happy, exhausted, scared, overwhelmed, anxious, busy, angry, thrilled, hungry, and very rarely but occasionally, nauseous, etc.)  In other words, I'm experiencing some form of normal emotion, plus hormones and baby symptoms.  And depending on how well I know you, and how much I want to admit that I feel like I have a gas bubble the size and shape of a rhinoceros inside or something equally embarrassing, I may or may not actually answer honestly if this is the case.  While “how are you feeling” is not a bad question, it just might not lead to the type of real conversation that you or I actually want to have. I don't mind sharing awkward facts about myself, we all know this - but believe it or not, there are some days in which I just don't want to share all of that. 

I don’t mean to be cynical or to discourage people from asking real questions– it's fine to ask me how I'm feeling.  In fact, please do so - I know you're doing it because you care.  And I really appreciate that!  Just please also ask me something else.  I'll reiterate: I'm still me.  And there's more to me than baby.  I'm a mess right now: I just started a new job, I'm processing my old one, I'm struggling spiritually, I’m trying to figure out how to navigate being a wife, a friendly person, and a person who lives out her faith in an authentic way.  And I’ve read some really interesting books lately and seen some good movies, and, if you’d believe it, had some awkward moments, if you feel like going a little lighter.  Ask me about those things too! (And ask my husband how he's doing too - because he matters too, and it's not all about how I'm feeling and the state of our pregnancy).

3) I am so excited to have this baby – it is a gift, a blessing, a joy.  It is a miracle.  And a huge event.  And I am authentically excited – terrified – but also so excited.  I do love sharing about baby – what I’m thinking, dreaming, excited about, scared about… it’s not a taboo subject.  I love this kid. Would you believe that he/she loves listening to their dad play music?! S/he kicks and wiggles every time! It makes my soul smile.  I put my hand on my stomach regularly not because I feel sick, but because I can't wait until my husband will be able to feel the baby move too.  Already this baby is a part of our family and we LOVE him/her so much!  And it makes all the messy, unpleasant parts worth it.  100%.  So, if I'm having a rough day and not feeling good, or feeling overwhelmed by money or work or all the things we have to figure out - if I'm whiny or feeling fat or not feeling the most exuberantly excited or just tired - please please please don't ever take that to indicate that I'm not excited about this child.  I still cannot believe that this is our miracle -  I just am human and I have not so on days.  

4) In the same ways that I long to be known, and have the freedom to be more than just pregnant, and to be real where I am, in excitement or frustration, I also want you to feel the same freedom to be wherever you are. I want to prioritize being an authentic friend to you, and not become blinded by what's going on in my life.  So I want you to feel the freedom,  if you really want to be pregnant and can’t right now for whatever reason, for you to be sad or angry or happy or whatever you're feeling around me – you’re my friend.  I love you.  And that doesn’t diminish my happiness.  It's also fine if you do or don't want to talk about babies - please love me well by helping me know what you need. Please let me continue to be your friend – and teach me how I can love you well and share my joy well with you.  

Likewise, if you really never want to have kids and actually don’t like children, please don’t feel that you need to apologize to me for that.  Really - I know it's not against me or munchkin.  Maybe I won’t ask you to babysit, but again, I don’t take it personally nor will I attempt to persuade you of what’s right for you at this point in time.  Lord knows, I don’t know. And regardless of where you are with kids, please don't feel like you have to talk about babies around me all the time - as aforementioned, I am still me and interested in things other than just upcoming child birth.   Please gently point it out to me, if I talk about baby stuff too much, or am missing you in the midst of it all.

5) And lastly, please don't assume that once baby comes, we will stop being friends and I will disappear.  I know this happens sometimes and I know that a lot of things will be changing schedule-wise when our munchkin comes.  And yes, probably things about me will change too.  But please have faith in me, that if we’re really friends, I value our friendship - and that I'm committed to figuring out how to do the messy part of figuring that all out. Yes, some moms disappear and turn into total mommy mode.  Maybe I'll be proved wrong - but I don't think that has to be the case.  I don't want to do that and I'm going to do what I can to make sure that doesn't happen.  Let's start from that assumption...

I value you deeply, friends and family, and love sharing my life with you - thank you for loving and valuing me as well and always seeking to love me well!  

love,

KD

my name is not bitter

Short post today, as I need to get dinner started...

Over the last few weeks and months, we have spent a lot of time trying to come up with the right now for our upcoming addition to the family - something that sounds good, that has meaning, that is a blessing to our child, something we can mutually agree on!  As a result, we've spent a lot of time on www.behindthename.com .  Great site - and very helpful.  No, we still don't have a name picked out yet.  And no, we will not speculate on possibilities just yet.  

Regardless.

Today I had a completely unrelated surprise and gift, which for whatever reason, gave me hope.  See my middle name is Marie, which is derivation of Mary.  As I have matriculated into adulthood, I learned the meaning of my name as,

"Usual English form of Maria, which was the Latin form of the New Testament Greek names Μαριαμ (Mariam) and Μαρια (Maria) - the spellings are interchangeable - which were from the Hebrew name מִרְיָם (Miryam). The meaning is not known for certain, but there are several theories including "sea of bitterness", "rebelliousness", and "wished for child"."

And there were ways in which that sat heavily with me - that my name reflected a "sea of bitterness." That my identity - especially as I processed through heavy topics and need for deep healing - was somehow unable to be separated from this idea of bitterness.  It's a small thing, but in especially dark periods, it felt heavy.   Like that was my identity rather than just being my name.  But, I was surprised and gifted today, when on a whim, I looked up my name again - just for kicks and giggles - and found to my surprise, the usual entry appended with this additional meaning,

"However it was most likely originally an Egyptian name, perhaps derived in part from mry "beloved" or mr "love"."

Fitting perhaps, as I journey on this long path of coming to see my identity as Beloved, named by my Heavenly Father.  It's a small thing.  But today it feels like a gift.  :)  I have been given a name  and it is not bitter, disappointing, rebellious, failure, fraud.

I am called Beloved.

watering the tomatoes

On behalf of pregnant women everywhere, thank you, to the woman or man who invented the swimming pool, for giving us a means by which to get low-impact exercise and feel weightless in the process.  Thank you.  Really.  And that is all on that subject, at least for now.

The baby is kicking now - little flutters of presence inside - what a weird and beautiful feeling.

So, I will confess that even in beginning this blog, it was driven more out of necessity - knowing that writing is good for my soul, that externally processing is healthy for me, that I need to be transparent in the presence of others - rather than true overflow of inspiration.  In the past 3 days since launching, I have wrestled with what to even write about, how to even begin the process of writing again... it's like trying to do derivatives and integrals again, when you haven't looked at them since college - looks vaguely familiar, you recognize what you need to know, but the "active ability" part of the brain isn't fully activated.

But in the effort to get the juices flowing again, let's start simple and honest.

As I am exiting full-time ministry, and coming out of the hibernation and denial that followed the initial exit, I am coming to the realization that I am more burned out than I thought I was.  I am not burned out completely.  I am not withered, hopeless, and faithless, but I am desperately in need of refreshing, washing, watering, renewing.

My husband and I are trying our hands at growing a fire escape garden this summer.  We started everything from seed in our living room and, initially at least, were exceptionally attentive plant parents, even going as far as buying a full spectrum light bulb, to ensure that our babies were getting enough sunlight.  In recent days, our garden has graduated to "real" sunlight and independence on the fire escape, gaining most of their nourishment naturally and occasionally from us lovingly watering them.

When the tomatoes were seedlings, all they needed was a little bit of water, and they were completely satisfied, healthy, and seemed to thrive.  But as they have grown up, their roots have grown and their needs have deepened.

A few weeks ago, I noticed that half of our now 2 feet tall tomatoes, which had been completely healthy the day before, with their little bit of water, were withered, with leaves shriveled up and stems drooping.  What had appeared healthy, now seemed dying.  Time, and hot days, had revealed what we hadn't yet recognized -  our little tomatoes, while they could subsist on a little bit of water, were not receiving the sustenance that they needed.

Yet they were not dead, withered and gone.  They simply needed more water.  And what they had subsisted on before, was simply not enough - it wasn't the wrong water, or bad water, they just need more than they had before.  And it wasn't because they had stagnated; in fact, completely the opposite.  Their increased need for water was precisely because they had grown.

I am like those tomato plants right now.  I am not withered, hopeless, dying inside - I simply have subsisted on less real water and nourishment than I needed for a lot longer than I should have.  But unlike the tomato plants, I was so busy that I did not notice the ways in which I was shriveling and my soul was begging for more water.   Now, in the exposing presence of time, heat, rest, and change, the real need is becoming more clear.  

I am desperately in need of refreshing, washing, watering, and renewing.  I need more water.  And that's not a bad thing.  

Yes, there are dead branches that need to be pruned and weevils that need to be terminated.  They are wounds and holes, and honest hurt that need to be healed.  There is false entitlement that has turned into anger, which has morphed into bitterness, that needs to be dealt with.  Yes, those are part of my near burnout.  But before I can even begin to get to those, I simply need to rest in a deep soul soaking rain - deep and real water, which reaches to the core, waters the roots, and washes those places that haven't received water in quite some time.  

// Lord I want more of You // Living water rain down on me // Lord I need more of You // Living breath of life come fill me up // [casting crowns, "hungry"]

[title and welcome]

So it's been a long time [almost 2 years] since I last blogged.  Call it life, call it busyness, call it lack of motivation, I'm sure there are a million-and-one reasons - some of them valid, some less than - regardless, I find myself in a season in life, where it would healthy for me to regularly externally process.  Thus, after a long hiatus, here I am.  

This blog is transitioning from five small stones because as I've thought about where I am today, my story today, the new title feels more appropriate.  Whereas five-small-stones was a process of learning how God could take my little, my insufficiency, my weakness - my small stones - and use it for his glory, two years has brought me to a place where the lesson that God seems to repeatedly teach is that I am enough - more than that, that I am delightful to Him -  with or without my "little bit."  

Jesus loves me, this I know.  Simple Gospel, taught well to small children, but so beautifully unconditional.  Maybe simple isn't such a bad thing.

I have been given a new name.  Not disappointment.  Not "not enough."  Not failure or fraud.  

Beloved.  Daughter.  Delight.  

Even in my messiness, trying to muddle my way through life - and yes, much of this blog will be the awkwardness that is my life - I am enough.  Beloved and delighted in, even.  

In the midst of a beautiful and good marriage that is fraught with the mess of two imperfect humans, in the middle of discombobulated family, in the chaos of trying to figure out how to be parents, in the panic of trying to discern how to balance job transition and career and goals and family and marriage and still get the floors vacuumed occasionally, throughout the roller-coaster that is pregnancy hormones, in all my awkward stories, and in the midst trying to push through burnout and anger and the MESS that cannot be summarized neatly - I am called beloved.  And in that, is a freedom to process and be transparent with everything else above.  Because in the security of knowing that I am called Beloved, I also hear the truth that the chaos, the mess, the awkwardness, is not who I am.  It does not define me. 

That is good news for me today.  

Welcome to this blog.  And I hope you enjoy the ride.  :)