When you wake up and discover that you ARE judgy mom

If you have kids, are expecting a kid, or are around people with kids, you are probably familiar with the concept of mom judgment, parent shaming, and the "really? you do X?" trail-offs.

In today's world of hyper-active parenting, we know from point of conception onward - thanks to no shortage of opinions and methods - exactly how we want to do things.  We care a lot. And my generation in particular, all discovering our family-issues, we especially want to "do it right" and not "mess them up."  And everyone else?  Well, they have an always right opinion too. Some assert it loudly.  Others passive-aggressively.  You know the the looks, the side-eyes, the "helpful advice," the "well, if I were you..." "I always..." "I could/would never..." comments.

Meanwhile, growing in equal number are the blog posts, [and more blog posts], articles and humorous clips entreating us "don't be judgy mom" "remember, we're all on the same team." [Does anyone else find it ironic that often times the tone is, "don't be judgy like she is..."?]

I don't know about you - but I swore that I didn't want to be a judgy mom. (You too?!) That I would be better than that.  That I would be flexible, accepting, and a team player - encouraging others, blessing their different parenting styles, and remembering that no one has it all together.

But then, one morning I woke up, and realized:  I absolutely, 100% am a judgy mom.

Not always.  And I try really hard not to be. Not intentionally.  And rarely out-loud.  But I am.

It's a dirty little secret fact - and one, quite frankly, that I would prefer to blog about how to avoid.  How I triumphed over it and am not there anymore.  But here's what I need to say instead: despite our best intentions, as people who care very deeply and want to "do it right" and have different interpretations of what that means - I guarantee that we will find ourselves here, especially if we're honest with ourselves.

So what do you do when you find yourself cloaked in the scarlet "J" of "judgy mom"?  When your self-awareness kicks in and you realize just how ugly or condescending your attitude towards another mom [dad, parent, person...] is.  Or even as you open your mouth to share yet another piece of sage advice.

Can I humbly suggest five self-examinations that I have found helpful?  Ask yourself:

1. Am I feeling insecure or guilty right now?
This is not always relevant - sometimes, I'm just judgy and condescending - but 9.7 times out of 10, when my attitude towards another parent is patronizing or corrective, it's a neon flashing warning light that there is another area in my parenting or my life in which I'm feeling insecure.   Often times, those judgy days fall when I feel like I'm messing everything up, and I'm desperately searching for standing ground, one thing that I actually know or can do right. Use that word-vomit impulse as a signal to be introspective, and self-aware - deal with your own heart and attitude first. Consider, rather than correcting the other person, whether it would be appropriate to share the places I'm feeling insecure - seek commonality, and understanding, rather than shaming them in the place that I feel secure.

2. What do I need someone to say to me, right now?
I've joked before that I need to make flashcards for my husband, so that he would know what to say when I'm angry, sad, etc. - and there would be very few of them, with one that would be used ALL.the.TIME.  That one would read "You're doing a good job, Mama." Ranking close second would be, "I see you." "Thank you." "I'm proud of you." "I love you." "Would you like some alone time?" [freebies for your use and pleasure, btw.  You're welcome].   Ninety-five percent of the time, when I'm feeling critical or superior, if I take the time to evaluate what my soul needs in the moment, it reveals the deeper issue in me, and renders me more empathetic and kind.  And gives me perspective to realize that advice, unless solicited, is rarely what anyone needs or wants.

3. Do I believe that s/he loves their kids and is trying to do their best for them?
No "buts" allowed.  Simply answer it yes or no.  If the answer is yes, and the children are not in danger, leave it alone. Obviously, if children are being harmed, speak up.  No question. But most of our judgment comes over kids doing something that kids do or over something that we simply happen to have a difference of opinion on.  Rather than tell her what you would do differently, tell her that "you can see how much she loves her kids; it shows." Where there is legitimate struggle, and a desire for advice, that simple phrase will open far more doors than simply proffering it unrequested.  If not, well, you've simply encouraged her/him.

4. What would I need right now, if I were in her shoes?
No mom wants her kids running naked through Target, pulling everything off the shelf - no parent wants their kid poking you on an airplane while screaming because their diaper is god-awfully stinktastic - and yes, while my sleep strategy is awesome and I really want to help you, unless you ask for it, I'd give you a hundred bucks that no sleep-deprived parent wants that to be your lead.  What do they need?  "To be told what I need to do better," said no parent ever. A compassionate smile, someone to push her cart, a cup of coffee, an encouraging word, "what can I help you with?" - those all come to mind.  Somehow, compassion and empathy, they seem to move us out of judgment zone.

5. Is there a long-term, relationally-built, place for conversation?
Sometimes there are places were feedback can be helpful - deeper conversation, dialogue, suggestions, out of an initial judgment.  I am very grateful for conversations people had with me about how to buckle car seats appropriately, dangers of different kinds of carriers, different strategies for better sleep.  But the ones that I listened to, the ones that I welcomed, were the ones done in the context of trusting relationship - people who I knew, who knew me, and who asked permission before sharing.  Here are my measuring tapes: Will this matter in 30 years?  Am I the right person to share this piece of wisdom?  Would I welcome something similarly from them?  If you answer no to any, then ziplock those lips and seek out ways to focus on #3 and #4.

With love, from one working-on-it judgy-mom to another,
May we find ourselves here less and less.

KD

Monday Me Too's

Many times, I've thought about my crazy, "I can't be the only one who..." or "I know I'm not alone in..."  And so, "ME TOO! Mondays" were born in my head.  If this is you too, please stand up and whatever along with me.  The camaraderie is encouraging and kind of the point.  If it's not you, well, take solace in the fact that you're probably at least marginally more normal than me.

This week, I have...

1.  Shamelessly eaten food from my toddler's tray, without even thinking that it was weird in the slightest.  And then caught myself, as I turned his melange of mushed up leftovers into a chip-dip, and wondered "When did this become normal to me!?"

2. Known that I needed to go to the gym... had time to go to the gym... planned to go to the gym... and then split a half dozen apple cider donuts with my one year old instead.  But hey, it was a bonding experience, right?  And we split them 50-50, lest you think I'm too much of a glutton... #healthymom for the win.  I'm not sorry in the slightest.

3. Had one of those dreams that was so.real. that it shaped how I dealt with my day in real life once I woke up.  So beautiful when dreams are good and inspiring; rough when they're not.

4. Tried to read my books out loud to my toddler, in interesting voices, so that I could do some "me reading," rather than re-read whatever the book of the day was.  Did it succeed?  It did not.  But it did buy me approximately a three minute break from reading the now-memorized books of the week.

5.  Used the line, "but will the government really know, if...?" in a sentence that made sense.  To which the answer was, "No, Kristen.  But I think you still have to do it." Good thing there are responsible people around me.

If you need me, I'll the #healthymom over here, shamelessly stuffing my face, evading the government, and dreaming of days when I get to read books without pictures, all the while loving my normal-crazy life and my normal-crazy-wonderful (adorable) kids.

What about you?

ME TOO! Mondays

This is one of those weeks where I have eighty-eleven things to do, deadlines galore, AND somehow decided that if we were going to potty train our almost three year old before he turned twelve, that it needed to be this week.  And fun and puddles were had all around.

Pardon any jiggles and misspelled words.  It's like 30 degrees outside and we still have not turned our heat on, so I'm sitting here stubbornly typing and shivering and wondering WHY GOD WHY have I not turning the heat on yet.  But then it'll be like 70 tomorrow, so that's why.  But WHY!?

Several times this week, I've thought, "I can't be the only one who..." or "I know I'm not alone in..."  And so, "ME TOO! Mondays" were born in my head.  Hopefully not adding to the crazy - and maybe just giving a little outlet for it.  We'll try it for a few weeks, and if it's lousy, then it'll join a bunch of other good intentions on Trash It Tuesdays.  If this is you too, please stand up and whatever along with me.  The camaraderie is encouraging and kind of the point of the "ME TOO!" part.  If it's not, well, take solace in the fact that you're probably at least marginally more normal than me.

This week, I have...

1. ... seriously contemplated whether potty training is actually necessary or whether when they're teenagers they'll just figure it out on their own.  Even though I know it's time, and I know he's ready, and I know that I am the grown-up and have to act like one, part of me seriously wonders if maybe there's still a shot at finding a really good excuse that will get me out of it.  If you come up with one, let me know.  I'll be somewhere cleaning up yet another puddle "near" the toilet.

2. ... pruned a ginormous rose bush with kitchen shears, because that's all I had available.  Not a wise decision, and one that I'm really hoping I'm alone on.  What city dweller has pruning shears, am I right?  But pruned it now is.  And swearing off rose bushes, I now am.  (Left, halfway done; Right, done; not pictured: copious scratches battle wounds).

3.  ... discovered (again) that I am mildly (moderately) lactose intolerant and still haven't done anything about it, just routinely deal with the consequences.  I know I should, but I really love ice cream, and cream, and cheese, and inertia is a powerful thing, friends, even against the tiniest of aids.

4.  ... totally tried to channel Lorelei Gilmore in my tough parenting moments, and actually found that it helps me be a better parent (she doesn't sweat the little stuff, and a dose of humor goes a long way).  Also, as an aside, re-watching Gilmore Girls as an adult, still totally fabulous, and oh my gosh, how are they so quick-witted, funny, and cultural-savvy all at the same time?

5.  ... been completely exhausted, literally counting down the moments till bedtime arrived more than once- had my buttons pushed even on the shortest of days - and wondered whether that meant that I shouldn't be a full-time stay-at-home parent, wrestling with guilt, comparison, and just exhaustion, and wondering if I wasn't cut out for it.  And yet somehow equally powerfully, and even more often, loving and treasuring the sweet moments that I do get each and every day with my kids, and so incredibly certain that we made the right decision there.  And so grateful that we did.  It's a paradox that I can't explain, but so.real.

You too?