In today's world of hyper-active parenting, we know from point of conception onward - thanks to no shortage of opinions and methods - exactly how we want to do things. We care a lot. And my generation in particular, all discovering our family-issues, we especially want to "do it right" and not "mess them up." And everyone else? Well, they have an always right opinion too. Some assert it loudly. Others passive-aggressively. You know the the looks, the side-eyes, the "helpful advice," the "well, if I were you..." "I always..." "I could/would never..." comments.
Meanwhile, growing in equal number are the blog posts, [and more blog posts], articles and humorous clips entreating us "don't be judgy mom" "remember, we're all on the same team." [Does anyone else find it ironic that often times the tone is, "don't be judgy like she is..."?]
I don't know about you - but I swore that I didn't want to be a judgy mom. (You too?!) That I would be better than that. That I would be flexible, accepting, and a team player - encouraging others, blessing their different parenting styles, and remembering that no one has it all together.
But then, one morning I woke up, and realized: I absolutely, 100% am a judgy mom.
Not always. And I try really hard not to be. Not intentionally. And rarely out-loud. But I am.
It's a dirty little
So what do you do when you find yourself cloaked in the scarlet "J" of "judgy mom"? When your self-awareness kicks in and you realize just how ugly or condescending your attitude towards another mom [dad, parent, person...] is. Or even as you open your mouth to share yet another piece of sage advice.
Can I humbly suggest five self-examinations that I have found helpful? Ask yourself:
1. Am I feeling insecure or guilty right now?
This is not always relevant - sometimes, I'm just judgy and condescending - but 9.7 times out of 10, when my attitude towards another parent is patronizing or corrective, it's a neon flashing warning light that there is another area in my parenting or my life in which I'm feeling insecure. Often times, those judgy days fall when I feel like I'm messing everything up, and I'm desperately searching for standing ground, one thing that I actually know or can do right. Use that word-vomit impulse as a signal to be introspective, and self-aware - deal with your own heart and attitude first. Consider, rather than correcting the other person, whether it would be appropriate to share the places I'm feeling insecure - seek commonality, and understanding, rather than shaming them in the place that I feel secure.
2. What do I need someone to say to me, right now?
I've joked before that I need to make flashcards for my husband, so that he would know what to say when I'm angry, sad, etc. - and there would be very few of them, with one that would be used ALL.the.TIME. That one would read "You're doing a good job, Mama." Ranking close second would be, "I see you." "Thank you." "I'm proud of you." "I love you." "Would you like some alone time?" [freebies for your use and pleasure, btw. You're welcome]. Ninety-five percent of the time, when I'm feeling critical or superior, if I take the time to evaluate what my soul needs in the moment, it reveals the deeper issue in me, and renders me more empathetic and kind. And gives me perspective to realize that advice, unless solicited, is rarely what anyone needs or wants.
3. Do I believe that s/he loves their kids and is trying to do their best for them?
No "buts" allowed. Simply answer it yes or no. If the answer is yes, and the children are not in danger, leave it alone. Obviously, if children are being harmed, speak up. No question. But most of our judgment comes over kids doing something that kids do or over something that we simply happen to have a difference of opinion on. Rather than tell her what you would do differently, tell her that "you can see how much she loves her kids; it shows." Where there is legitimate struggle, and a desire for advice, that simple phrase will open far more doors than simply proffering it unrequested. If not, well, you've simply encouraged her/him.
4. What would I need right now, if I were in her shoes?
No mom wants her kids running naked through Target, pulling everything off the shelf - no parent wants their kid poking you on an airplane while screaming because their diaper is god-awfully stinktastic - and yes, while my sleep strategy is awesome and I really want to help you, unless you ask for it, I'd give you a hundred bucks that no sleep-deprived parent wants that to be your lead. What do they need? "To be told what I need to do better," said no parent ever. A compassionate smile, someone to push her cart, a cup of coffee, an encouraging word, "what can I help you with?" - those all come to mind. Somehow, compassion and empathy, they seem to move us out of judgment zone.
5. Is there a long-term, relationally-built, place for conversation?
Sometimes there are places were feedback can be helpful - deeper conversation, dialogue, suggestions, out of an initial judgment. I am very grateful for conversations people had with me about how to buckle car seats appropriately, dangers of different kinds of carriers, different strategies for better sleep. But the ones that I listened to, the ones that I welcomed, were the ones done in the context of trusting relationship - people who I knew, who knew me, and who asked permission before sharing. Here are my measuring tapes: Will this matter in 30 years? Am I the right person to share this piece of wisdom? Would I welcome something similarly from them? If you answer no to any, then ziplock those lips and seek out ways to focus on #3 and #4.
With love, from one working-on-it judgy-mom to another,
May we find ourselves here less and less.
KD
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