FALSE: God never gives us more than we can handle

This morning, I ran into a dear friend and amidst the usual banter, she was asking more seriously about what to say to another friend who was in a really hard situation and feeling overwhelmed and unable to bear up under the load (because my friend was there with me in my darkest hour that I'll describe below, and knew that I had been there before).  And my friend said, "I just don't know what to say because I know that God never gives us more than we can handle, but she really is overwhelmed."  I shared some of the thoughts I'll share here, and then we went our own ways.

I went home and kept mulling over the conversation because something just wasn't sitting right.  As I pondered it, I realized that it was that phrase...

"God never gives us more than we can handle..."

As I wrestled with it more, I realized - I don't actually think that that is what I believe, nor do I think it's what the Bible actually says...

I'm not a Biblical scholar, but I've never found that one in any of my Bible searches or studies.  Yes, you can find that God will not tempt you, beyond what you are able to withstand (1 Cor 10:13b).  And you can find that "We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed." (2 Corinthians 4:8-9 - but that is in the context of verse 7, that we are weak and the power is God's not ours...)  But nowhere in Scripture does God promise that He will not give us more than we can handle - the closest I can find to it, is an allusion in John 16:12-13 that He has more to tell us than we are able to bear now - but even so, it will be revealed in days to come.

If you can find it, let me know.  I'm willing to be corrected.  But Scripture is full of examples of people who are given more than they can bear - Naomi, Mary, David, Paul - not to mention, many people whose demise is trying to control their own circumstances and "handle" what they have been unbearably given (c.f. Moses, Abra(ha)m and Sarai/h, Solomon, Saul, Jacob, just to name a few...)

But rather than wax theological, let's make it personal.

A year ago, my husband was diagnosed with cancer, at the ripe old age of 31.  At 32, I wrestled with the fear that I would be left a widow, with three young children.  For 6 months, we lived in 3-week cycles of chemo and hospitalizations.  We were in the hospital for 40% of our days and nights.  I juggled being back and forth between home and hospital - struggled with the kids' fears, anxieties and needs, as well Jon's needs, and my own emotions and needs.  We were deeply cared for by our friends and communities - and on one hand, it was a profoundly rich season in its starkness - everything important was revealed and everything else fell away, and that is beautiful in its own way.  But in other very real ways, it destroyed me, overwhelmed me, and has led to struggles with depression, now that we are out of it.

The darkest day for me was two days after Christmas 2017.  Jon had been unexpectedly hospitalized 2 days before Christmas - with one of the more scary infections that he had, and his discharge just kept getting pushed back day after day.  Hope given and then taken away... again, and again, and again.  The kids and I had spent Christmas alone, and then immediately after, everyone came down with the stomach bug - I had gone 24 hours without sleeping at all two times within 4 days, and still had vomit in my hair, from the baby who had refused to sleep anywhere except on top of me, waking up hourly to vomit on me.  I was exhausted and alone.  And then Jon found out that he would not be discharged that day, yet again, because his white blood cell counts were still too low.

I had a full blown panic attack, with three small children surrounding me, needing me.  I was lying on the floor, unable to breathe, certain that I was having a heart attack, phone with barely any battery, sobbing - physically unable to move - while my kids watched and my baby climbed on me and I couldn't do anything to help them or protect them. 

Tell me again that we are never given more than we can handle. 

Even now, when I think about that day, I tear up.  Because that was the day when I screamed at God - "I can't do this anymore. This is more than I can bear..."  And it was.  I couldn't handle it.  I texted my sister and told her I needed help and she called my local friends and they came over and sat with me, held me, until I could breathe again.  Fed my children dinner, and reminded me that I wasn't alone, and wouldn't leave until my kids were in bed and I was stable.  Loved me tangibly and beautifully.  We made it through, but I was undone. 

Because the reality is - God does give us more than we can handle.   We do come to the end of ourselves.  Trials and suffering and struggles that threaten to undo us.  Loss, grief, depression - darkness that cannot be managed, the end of the tunnel nowhere in sight. 

Even today - Jon and I woke up this morning to news that an acquaintance, that we had briefly interacted with on a few marriage retreats and admired from a distance, unexpectedly died of a heart attack yesterday.  One moment she was living her ordinary, joy-filled life - the next, she was gone.  I imagine that maybe today, her students, her husband, and her children feel as though God has given them more than they can possibly bear. 

It cheapens grief - and it falsely inflates our own sense of power and strength - when we insinuate that we, or anyone, should be able to bear up under whatever God (or evil, or life, etc) throws our direction. 

"We can bear up under anything" is never the motto for a Christian because it's only part of the Gospel.

The Gospel is that we are broken.  We are sinful.  We are undone.  We are weak.  AND we are rescued by a God who is holy, mighty and loves us beyond belief.  We are able to do all this (being content in any circumstance)... through Christ, who strengthens us (Philippians 4:13).  We are made enough because his power is made perfect in weakness...  therefore we will boast all the more about our weaknesses (2 Cor 12:9). 

"We have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body." 

THAT, is the Gospel. 

Yes.  You are crushed, undone, and overwhelmed.  But God is not.  But you are not alone.  And where you can't, He can.  We like to focus on the He can part - but the other half is messy and involves a lot more "we can't" than we are comfortable with...

So this morning, I told my friend to tell her friend - and if this is you today, I'll say it to you as well -

It's okay that you can't do it all.  It's okay to be undone.  Because in those moments, God draws near to us, and where we can't, He can.  In those moments, you will have the sweet privilege (when you look back in hindsight) of knowing God far more intimately than most - because you will have to depend on His strength more dearly than most and you will know your own weakness more deeply than most - in the moment, it's okay if you yell at Him and don't feel sweet or intimate at all.  He is there none-the-less, and He isn't going anywhere.

It's okay that you can't do it all - you will have to let go of some things, and you won't be able to do it all - because you aren't God and that's okay - and some days will suck and you will have to ask for help more than you want to.  And other days, you will feel more normal and capable than you want to.  

I told her to tell her friend - "today you can't - so how can I practically help? can I pray? can I pick up groceries? can I babysit? can I fill up the gas tank? can I sit with X for you?"

Because friends, the Gospel is not "chin up, you'll get through it" (aka God never gives us more than we can handle) - but it is the reality of God with us.  Emmanuel. God who dwells among us. The God who says, you don't have to be strong, because I Am.  And you don't have to be alone, because I Am. 
And that is the Gospel we get to reflect to one another, by how well we sit with them, stay with them, and carry their burdens with them.