Short post this morning...
I've been thinking a lot about mourning with those who mourn and rejoicing or celebrating with those who rejoice (or celebrate)... so many dear friends right now are on opposite ends of that spectrum, in deep mourning, or profound rejoicing, that daily I ponder how to love them each individually best... There are many who are far more qualified than I to write on said topic. Within the past few days, I've read several really heartfelt blog posts, reflections, and thoughts to that end - far more eloquent and wise than mine - so I will not try to rewrite that.
Rather, I leave you with this thought:
Majority of the time, I don't think we're supposed to (or need to) be above others, coming in as solutions to their suffering or interpreters of their joy. There is a time for that, yes, but my gut says its far less often than we think it is. Sometimes there are no words, there is nothing you can do, and there is nothing you can add - and we (often) cheapen the experience of others when we attempt to. As similar (or not) as it might be to our experience, it isn't our experience. It's theirs.
Majority of the time, I think we're just supposed to stand with one another. To be with. To mourn with. To celebrate with. Not with our words, or our solutions, or our whatever else we think we can add (unless they ask for that, in which case, honor them)... but with our hearts. Our feelings. Our presence.
We are not meant to live life alone. And in our brightest times and our darkest times, sometimes what we need most is just for a brother or sister to stand alongside us and say, "I'm with you. I'm for you. I'm here."
Thursday, January 9, 2014
Saturday, January 4, 2014
looking back and looking ahead...
In college, I was introduced to a style of worship music called "Taize" - they are simple songs, usually comprised of one, maybe two, meditative phrases repeated over and over again. Because they are short, sung with simple instrumentation, or none at all, the focus really is on the words. In such, they become meditative, and a way of corporately praying together and listening to God together, focused on the simple truth which we declare in song. While, like any style of music, they cannot be the full of worship, they are a beautiful, simple way on focusing on and inviting God's presence, and as such, have been very meaningful to me over time. We even had one sung in our wedding (this one, if you're curious). The words mean, "where there is charity and love, God is there."
As I have thought through this past year, and prepared for the upcoming, sitting in the midst of many different places with us, and with dear friends, with both the hard, and the beautiful, a different Taize song - from the words of the thief on the cross - has oft been repeating in my mind, as my prayer and meditation. And so, in lieu of a New Years post, or a past year reflection, I leave you with this instead (you can listen to the Taize here).
I should note, that for me, the implication of these words and request is first and foremost a desire to be with Jesus in each of these places, for him to dwell with me, us, our friends, as well as an entreaty for him to bring his kingdom, to bring us into his kingdom, in each of these places.
Jesus, remember me, when you come into your kingdom.
Jesus, remember me...
As we celebrated the birth of our son, with the fullest of joy...
As we grieved, processed, broke, feared, lived, and healed, during and after the marathon bombings...
As we live(d) in the tension of loving and missing our homes, and loved ones, both near and far...
As we grow in love and marriage and life together, in the day to day.
Jesus, remember me...
As we parent our now growing, constantly moving, toddler...
As we lose our tempers and, exhausted, celebrate the moments when he f.i.n.a.l.l.y. is in bed...
As we say "no" or "leave it alone" again. and again. and again... and again...
As we enjoy the giggles, words, and expressions of this little boy becoming his own person...
As we seek to love well, failing often, repenting regularly, but waking up each morning, trying...
Jesus, remember me...
As we thought we had lost, were losing, this precious second baby...
As we cautiously, with hope growing, celebrate the life that grows within me...
As we hold on to hope, that you are Lord of this tiny life, that you hold it in your strong hands...
As you bring this little one into our lives in your perfect timing...
Jesus, remember (us)...
As we cry, and as we sing...
As we wait with friends as they wait for children, jobs, life, hope, and the end of winter
As we grieve with friends as they grieve death, miscarriage, loss, and that which is not yet had...
As we walk - ourselves, with others - through the long, dark, seemingly endless valley of depression...
As we celebrate with friends as they celebrate weddings, babies, jobs, hard choices, and full lives...
Jesus, remember me...
In the decisions we have to make this upcoming year...
In financial certainty and uncertainty, in being insured, or uninsured, job secure or insecure...
As we take risks, try new things, and cling to places of familiarity...
In our jobs, and job decisions, on good days and less than...
Wherever we are, whatever we do, whenever those transitions happen...
Jesus, remember me...
As I have hope, and where I lack it...
Where the way is clear and where it is clouded...
Where we grieve and where we celebrate, and where we're not sure which to do...
In our darkest and our brightest hours...
... Jesus, remember me, when you come into your kingdom.
Monday, December 30, 2013
T-1 month to one year
Happy 11 months (two days late!), little man! Dear Lord, in just a month, we will have a one year old! They say time flies when your kiddos are growing up, and that has definitely been true. It feels like just yesterday that we were bring you home from the hospital.
Your Profile
You are fully toddler these days - complete with temper tantrums, full spectrum of movement, and (strong) opinions of your own. In general, your personality is still sweet, and you are a happy, giggly little boy who wishes that he could eat every.thing. We have tried finding a food you wouldn't eat, and still to this day, have not had luck. Grapefruit was a close one, but you ate it anyhow. And pickles you demolished with joy. You are cruising, free-standing, walking pushing a walker (or the kitchen chairs!) and just four days ago, took your first independent step. You are a man on the move, but you do still occasionally let mommy and daddy snuggle with you - but only when you're tired.
Things you've Learned
You're quite accomplished at freestanding and racer speed crawling. You are learning how to use a spoon - but only when you decide you want to. You learned how to give kisses - and love giving big slobbery ones to Mommy and Daddy. You also learned how to play peek-a-boo, where you will hide from us, and then peek out. Your timing is a little rough, but you find it hilarious. Just today, you learned how to high five Daddy. You also learned how to open cupboard doors, the trashcan, and the toilet. Child safety locks are Mommy's best friends.
Also, you learned that you are going to be a big brother in June! Your feelings on this matter are still somewhat mixed, as you don't fully know what "brother" means.
Your Firsts
Things you Like
We love you buddy! :)
Your Profile
You are fully toddler these days - complete with temper tantrums, full spectrum of movement, and (strong) opinions of your own. In general, your personality is still sweet, and you are a happy, giggly little boy who wishes that he could eat every.thing. We have tried finding a food you wouldn't eat, and still to this day, have not had luck. Grapefruit was a close one, but you ate it anyhow. And pickles you demolished with joy. You are cruising, free-standing, walking pushing a walker (or the kitchen chairs!) and just four days ago, took your first independent step. You are a man on the move, but you do still occasionally let mommy and daddy snuggle with you - but only when you're tired.
You're quite accomplished at freestanding and racer speed crawling. You are learning how to use a spoon - but only when you decide you want to. You learned how to give kisses - and love giving big slobbery ones to Mommy and Daddy. You also learned how to play peek-a-boo, where you will hide from us, and then peek out. Your timing is a little rough, but you find it hilarious. Just today, you learned how to high five Daddy. You also learned how to open cupboard doors, the trashcan, and the toilet. Child safety locks are Mommy's best friends.
Also, you learned that you are going to be a big brother in June! Your feelings on this matter are still somewhat mixed, as you don't fully know what "brother" means.
Your Firsts
- You took your first step - chasing a food, what else! (a dill pickle, for those curious)
- You learned your first word - "Hi" and greet everyone, from the TV anchors to Mommy and Daddy to the Christmas tree with it. You have since also added "Da-da-da-da" but we're still not sure that you fully know what you mean and "nom nom" for when you're hungry. Oh and you think that a sheep says "ha ha" which you will answer when we ask you what a sheep says!
- You celebrated your first Thanksgiving with all of Mommy's extended family - Christmas Dinner in Williamsburg with Daddy's family. You continue to love visiting family and have a very sweet personality in travel, as well as large groups of people. You are quite the star of the show wherever we go. You also love the fact that our families have dogs that you get to play with, as dogs continue to be one of your favorites!
- You also went to the Museum of Fine Arts for the first time, dressed in your beret, and were quite a hit with the French tourists, as well as all the ladies. You chattered through all of it!
Things you Like
- You continue to love all foods
- You love being tossed and tickled
- You LOVE to laugh and keep us giggling all the time!
- You love to read stories about animals - you really like dogs
- You love bath time
- You love the dishwasher, the microwave, and the refrigerator, as well as all the trash cans
- You really like being around people - family and friends
We love you buddy! :)
Saturday, December 28, 2013
Anatomy of an Apology
"I'm sorry."
Two and a half small words, that when said with sincerity, heal and restore - and when absent, or cheapened with sarcasm and insincerity, deepen or hide the chasm.
I've been thinking a lot about the power of these two words lately - and apologies done well, and apologies done poorly.
My family culture is not big on apologies - and I think in many ways this is true for a lot of us. If, when, we mess up - hurt feelings, step on toes, have conflict between good friends or family - we tend to resolve it by stepping over it, burying it, and trying to be extra nice to make up for it. Or, saying "sorry..." as the beginning of a sentence that then explains how the error was not actually our fault or shouldn't have bothered the other person (making excuses to justify ourselves and then trying to move on). Or just pretending it never happened and never addressing it - hoping the other person doesn't either - but neither one fully forgetting. Or, the more extroverted version - argue extra loud your own individual side and justifications and feelings until both sides are tired, done arguing, and (might) feel heard, but neither one has actually owned anything or apologized in any way.
On the flip side of the spectrum, just to be fair, are those who constantly apologize for everything, even things that are not their fault, in the effort to maintain peace and harmony. In this too, I would argue that true apology is also absent - what you have instead is a stop-gap designed to end a conflict, again without real resolution because all too often, constant apologizers rob others of the right and responsibility of owning their own actions.
In my family culture, we are bury-ers and extra-nice-ers. But the words "I'm sorry" rarely cross our lips, unless in the context of "I'm sorry, okay?? What do you want from me? Let's move on."
As I grew up, however, through wisdom, or perhaps rebellion, or perhaps just a desire for change - I made a commitment that I would - no matter the cost - apologize and own my own mistakes and ways that I hurt others. As I have aged, and am aging, I am growing in not cheapening apology by overcompensating and constant apologizing. And both have served me well - I have learned that deep healing in relationships, and true reconciliation, only happen when error is faced and owned. And so for that reason, I share with you now what I have learned, about the anatomy of an apology. It goes something like this:
1. I feel like I should apologize to you...
2. I did/didn't do X... (always personal pronouns, and a specific apology).
3. That was (wrong of me, not respectful of you, hurtful to you, made you feel X...). I'm sorry.
4. Will you please forgive me?"
5. And then you don't say anything more and let them respond.
It is sincere. In that, it should never be shouted. It's not part of a fight. Or even part of the conflict. It is a deliberate action of tearing down a wall and building a bridge.
It is specific. It either asks the question, "I can tell that I have hurt you; can you help me understand how I have hurt you so that I can work to make it right?" or it is specific in saying, "I feel like or I have acted wrongly towards you in x [y, and z] way." General apologies are good in principle, but do very little to assuage guilt or to heal hurt. "I'm sorry" is not a magic phrase that ends conflict - it is an acknowledgement that we caused hurt in a specific way.
It (often times) hurts. A true apology costs us something - it costs us both our guilt and our self-defensiveness. It leaves us exposed, and forces us to face another without shields or weapons, and acknowledge the hurt between us. It requires humility and vulnerability.
It is not many times, and it is many times. An apology should not be a place of manipulation for the other person either - if you apologized one time, sincerely for the failure, and the other person cannot or does not want to forgive, then that ball is in their court - it is not required of you to do repeat penance over and over again apologizing for the same thing. Sincere apology, where guilt is owned, should leave it behind. However, it is many times, in the sense of, especially in long term relationships, you will often do the same thing over and over and over again, and need to apologize again, and again, and again. One apology once for the same thing repeated, doesn't get you off the hook. In fact, the process of confessing and apologizing should actually drive us to repentance in those reiterating places. The very act of reconciliation should in ideal situation, be part of the process of our own transformation.
It is not merely or always about the rightness or wrongness of action. Sometimes there is nothing wrong with your actions or words - but they have been hurtful or insensitive to the other person, or hit a wound in the other person that was painful, damaging or disrespectful. A true apology is more about acknowledging the hurt or the disrespect of the other person, and saying, "I own the ways in which I have caused hurt to you or behaved poorly to you." Yesterday, I had to apologize to my 11 month old for eating a cinnamon bun in front of him - when he clearly wanted it but wasn't supposed to have it. Absolutely nothing wrong with eating a cinnamon bun, but it added frustration to him - and to him, felt like taunting (as evidenced by his complete and total meltdown).
It isn't about what anyone has done other than you. You can't apologize for anything other than what you have done or left undone. Nor can you do penance for what your actions have "made them do." At the end of the day, we all have responsibility for our own actions - we can own the ways that we act, the ways that we cause pain (real or perceived), the ways that we fail, the ways that we make others feel. But we can't change anyone else or carry guilt for anyone else - or make anyone else feel guilt, for that matter. And an apology is not the place to try and make the other person understand their own errors*. An apology is actually about absolving guilt, releasing it, and (hopefully) receiving forgiveness and healing in the relationship.
* We can talk more about loving confrontations later - because there is a place for them as well.
It does not justify. There is plenty of space and time for justification - in argument, and discussion. However, when you get the place where you are owning your own part in the mess, it cannot be conditional. "I'm sorry that you felt hurt because you are emotional today" is not an apology. It is a shift of blame masquerading as an apology. Anytime a "but you" or "I did it because" enters in to the apology, the apology is morphing in its identity.
It does not demand reciprocation. In an ideal world, one apology would be met with another, as conflict is almost always two-sided. But an apology is about you owning your part, and acknowledging the hurt of the other - and not about forcing the other person to also apologize. Realistically, while that is incredibly healing to receive, it doesn't always happen. It can leave the door open, by acknowledging your own hurt - "When you said x, it was really hurtful to me - but I reacted poorly and lashed out at you rather than handling it maturely. Please forgive me."
It always ends with a request for forgiveness - And I think this is actually one of the most crucial parts of the apology for both the apologizer and the receiver - this is the shaping place for us. Where either healing happens, or we revert back to our burying ways. It is tempting when you receive an apology to say, "Oh it's okay, don't worry about it" and to minimize both the conflict and the apology. I am often guilty of this - because in the same way that it's hard to actually apologize, it's also hard to face the other person and likewise acknowledge that there was hurt on your end as well. But when we do this, we lose the opportunity to actually build the bridge together and move forward not just not move on.
When Jon and I were in premarital counseling, one of the most valuable skills that our counselor taught us, was the language of confession and forgiveness. That is to say, all of the above in terms of confession and asking for forgiveness. And the response of looking the other person in the eyes, respecting and acknowledging their apology and then the building your half of the bridge by saying simply either "that was hurtful to me, thank you for saying that" or "I didn't feel hurt by that, but I appreciate you saying that" and, if you are able, "I forgive you." Thus completing the circle of absolving and releasing the hurt and guilt.
I recognize that this is not a natural skill in our culture or in our relationships. I know that it doesn't always go well. And forgiveness is not always given - and there is legitimate hurt and relational brokenness done to us, that is not our responsibility to apologize for - and I'm not advocating for that in the slightest. But I am betting that for each of us, there is at least one relationship or place in a broken relationship where we do need to own responsibility. And I am willing to wager that we would have far healthier relationships were we to practice this a little bit more.
So I dare you... in fact, I double dog dare you... to take a risk, uncomfortable though it may be, to make the first move, to look a friend or family member in the eye and say a sincere, authentic, needed "I'm sorry." May it bring you freedom in this new upcoming year.
Two and a half small words, that when said with sincerity, heal and restore - and when absent, or cheapened with sarcasm and insincerity, deepen or hide the chasm.
I've been thinking a lot about the power of these two words lately - and apologies done well, and apologies done poorly.
My family culture is not big on apologies - and I think in many ways this is true for a lot of us. If, when, we mess up - hurt feelings, step on toes, have conflict between good friends or family - we tend to resolve it by stepping over it, burying it, and trying to be extra nice to make up for it. Or, saying "sorry..." as the beginning of a sentence that then explains how the error was not actually our fault or shouldn't have bothered the other person (making excuses to justify ourselves and then trying to move on). Or just pretending it never happened and never addressing it - hoping the other person doesn't either - but neither one fully forgetting. Or, the more extroverted version - argue extra loud your own individual side and justifications and feelings until both sides are tired, done arguing, and (might) feel heard, but neither one has actually owned anything or apologized in any way.
On the flip side of the spectrum, just to be fair, are those who constantly apologize for everything, even things that are not their fault, in the effort to maintain peace and harmony. In this too, I would argue that true apology is also absent - what you have instead is a stop-gap designed to end a conflict, again without real resolution because all too often, constant apologizers rob others of the right and responsibility of owning their own actions.
In my family culture, we are bury-ers and extra-nice-ers. But the words "I'm sorry" rarely cross our lips, unless in the context of "I'm sorry, okay?? What do you want from me? Let's move on."
As I grew up, however, through wisdom, or perhaps rebellion, or perhaps just a desire for change - I made a commitment that I would - no matter the cost - apologize and own my own mistakes and ways that I hurt others. As I have aged, and am aging, I am growing in not cheapening apology by overcompensating and constant apologizing. And both have served me well - I have learned that deep healing in relationships, and true reconciliation, only happen when error is faced and owned. And so for that reason, I share with you now what I have learned, about the anatomy of an apology. It goes something like this:
1. I feel like I should apologize to you...
2. I did/didn't do X... (always personal pronouns, and a specific apology).
3. That was (wrong of me, not respectful of you, hurtful to you, made you feel X...). I'm sorry.
4. Will you please forgive me?"
5. And then you don't say anything more and let them respond.
It is sincere. In that, it should never be shouted. It's not part of a fight. Or even part of the conflict. It is a deliberate action of tearing down a wall and building a bridge.
It is specific. It either asks the question, "I can tell that I have hurt you; can you help me understand how I have hurt you so that I can work to make it right?" or it is specific in saying, "I feel like or I have acted wrongly towards you in x [y, and z] way." General apologies are good in principle, but do very little to assuage guilt or to heal hurt. "I'm sorry" is not a magic phrase that ends conflict - it is an acknowledgement that we caused hurt in a specific way.
It (often times) hurts. A true apology costs us something - it costs us both our guilt and our self-defensiveness. It leaves us exposed, and forces us to face another without shields or weapons, and acknowledge the hurt between us. It requires humility and vulnerability.
It is not many times, and it is many times. An apology should not be a place of manipulation for the other person either - if you apologized one time, sincerely for the failure, and the other person cannot or does not want to forgive, then that ball is in their court - it is not required of you to do repeat penance over and over again apologizing for the same thing. Sincere apology, where guilt is owned, should leave it behind. However, it is many times, in the sense of, especially in long term relationships, you will often do the same thing over and over and over again, and need to apologize again, and again, and again. One apology once for the same thing repeated, doesn't get you off the hook. In fact, the process of confessing and apologizing should actually drive us to repentance in those reiterating places. The very act of reconciliation should in ideal situation, be part of the process of our own transformation.
It is not merely or always about the rightness or wrongness of action. Sometimes there is nothing wrong with your actions or words - but they have been hurtful or insensitive to the other person, or hit a wound in the other person that was painful, damaging or disrespectful. A true apology is more about acknowledging the hurt or the disrespect of the other person, and saying, "I own the ways in which I have caused hurt to you or behaved poorly to you." Yesterday, I had to apologize to my 11 month old for eating a cinnamon bun in front of him - when he clearly wanted it but wasn't supposed to have it. Absolutely nothing wrong with eating a cinnamon bun, but it added frustration to him - and to him, felt like taunting (as evidenced by his complete and total meltdown).
It isn't about what anyone has done other than you. You can't apologize for anything other than what you have done or left undone. Nor can you do penance for what your actions have "made them do." At the end of the day, we all have responsibility for our own actions - we can own the ways that we act, the ways that we cause pain (real or perceived), the ways that we fail, the ways that we make others feel. But we can't change anyone else or carry guilt for anyone else - or make anyone else feel guilt, for that matter. And an apology is not the place to try and make the other person understand their own errors*. An apology is actually about absolving guilt, releasing it, and (hopefully) receiving forgiveness and healing in the relationship.
* We can talk more about loving confrontations later - because there is a place for them as well.
It does not justify. There is plenty of space and time for justification - in argument, and discussion. However, when you get the place where you are owning your own part in the mess, it cannot be conditional. "I'm sorry that you felt hurt because you are emotional today" is not an apology. It is a shift of blame masquerading as an apology. Anytime a "but you" or "I did it because" enters in to the apology, the apology is morphing in its identity.
It does not demand reciprocation. In an ideal world, one apology would be met with another, as conflict is almost always two-sided. But an apology is about you owning your part, and acknowledging the hurt of the other - and not about forcing the other person to also apologize. Realistically, while that is incredibly healing to receive, it doesn't always happen. It can leave the door open, by acknowledging your own hurt - "When you said x, it was really hurtful to me - but I reacted poorly and lashed out at you rather than handling it maturely. Please forgive me."
It always ends with a request for forgiveness - And I think this is actually one of the most crucial parts of the apology for both the apologizer and the receiver - this is the shaping place for us. Where either healing happens, or we revert back to our burying ways. It is tempting when you receive an apology to say, "Oh it's okay, don't worry about it" and to minimize both the conflict and the apology. I am often guilty of this - because in the same way that it's hard to actually apologize, it's also hard to face the other person and likewise acknowledge that there was hurt on your end as well. But when we do this, we lose the opportunity to actually build the bridge together and move forward not just not move on.
When Jon and I were in premarital counseling, one of the most valuable skills that our counselor taught us, was the language of confession and forgiveness. That is to say, all of the above in terms of confession and asking for forgiveness. And the response of looking the other person in the eyes, respecting and acknowledging their apology and then the building your half of the bridge by saying simply either "that was hurtful to me, thank you for saying that" or "I didn't feel hurt by that, but I appreciate you saying that" and, if you are able, "I forgive you." Thus completing the circle of absolving and releasing the hurt and guilt.
I recognize that this is not a natural skill in our culture or in our relationships. I know that it doesn't always go well. And forgiveness is not always given - and there is legitimate hurt and relational brokenness done to us, that is not our responsibility to apologize for - and I'm not advocating for that in the slightest. But I am betting that for each of us, there is at least one relationship or place in a broken relationship where we do need to own responsibility. And I am willing to wager that we would have far healthier relationships were we to practice this a little bit more.
So I dare you... in fact, I double dog dare you... to take a risk, uncomfortable though it may be, to make the first move, to look a friend or family member in the eye and say a sincere, authentic, needed "I'm sorry." May it bring you freedom in this new upcoming year.
Sunday, December 15, 2013
29 down, here comes...
In honor of my birthday (yesterday) and the infamous final year before 30, I present to you:
29 things I want to do before I turn 30 (in no particular order)
I could do 30, but let's be honest, I'll probably make it through about half of this list, if I'm diligent, so why set myself up for (worse) failure! But with no further ado, here you go...
1. Climb Mt. Washington - can be on foot or in a car, I'm not discriminatory, but I've lived here long enough that it's time to just do it already.
2. Have a BBQ in our backyard
3. Have my +1 party (finally)* (where all of my friends come over and bring a friend that they think I would enjoy knowing, but haven't met yet - also known as Jon's least favorite party idea ever...)
4. (Re)establish the Etsy shop that I've been thinking about doing for.ev.er.
5. Eat a really really tasty steak dinner, with a good red wine
6. Go away for a weekend or even just an overnight, sans kiddo
7. Make our own cheese
8. Complete a second half marathon
9. Build a snowman
10. Drink more water than coffee most days
11. Have snow on my birthday! done-skies!
12. Blog more often, and more regularly. If not blog, then at least write personally. Jon suggests I quantify this, so how about "more than once a month"?
13. Invent something - every Friday watching Shark Tank, I think... "I should do that..." Bam. 2014.
14. Have someone write a song for me **ahem** musically talented family
15. Begin the process of thinking about buying a house... and while not necessarily buying one, figuring out what comes next in our process, and maybe doing that? Like reading a book on it. Or picking a location
((this is harder than it looks to come up with... you should try being this goal-ish))
16. Read books regularly
17. Find a "chick flick" or "rom com" that Jon doesn't hate
18. Actually make one of the crafty ideas (not food, I do that all the time) that I pin on Pinterest
19. Watch past seasons of Modern Family
20. Go to either a Pats game or a Bruins game - filling out my experience of Boston sports. **Jon might have contributed slightly to this one, as I started running out of inspiration around #12.**
21. Make plans for Hendig #3 in 2015 - ladies, you know who you are, I'm looking at you...
22. Learn something new about myself (yes, I'm resorting to intangibles... I'm running out of ideas, but still want to make them realistic goals...)
23. Move out of my table against the wall (at work) into something that has walls (!walls!)
24. Roast marshmallows over a fire outside! And introduce S to s'mores! Urban camping, take 3?
25. Get the bed (and a bunch of other misc stuff) out of our dining room (into an intentional space)
26. Learn how to effectively remove stains from clothing
27. Send more letters and cards the old fashioned way, regularly
28. Take the GRE (pretty sure I said this last year too)
29. Return all the things that I've borrowed but forgotten (or failed) to return thus far.
.... and done. Remind me not to do this next year... :) Much love, as we begin year 30!
29 things I want to do before I turn 30 (in no particular order)
I could do 30, but let's be honest, I'll probably make it through about half of this list, if I'm diligent, so why set myself up for (worse) failure! But with no further ado, here you go...
1. Climb Mt. Washington - can be on foot or in a car, I'm not discriminatory, but I've lived here long enough that it's time to just do it already.
2. Have a BBQ in our backyard
3. Have my +1 party (finally)* (where all of my friends come over and bring a friend that they think I would enjoy knowing, but haven't met yet - also known as Jon's least favorite party idea ever...)
4. (Re)establish the Etsy shop that I've been thinking about doing for.ev.er.
5. Eat a really really tasty steak dinner, with a good red wine
6. Go away for a weekend or even just an overnight, sans kiddo
7. Make our own cheese
8. Complete a second half marathon
9. Build a snowman
10. Drink more water than coffee most days
12. Blog more often, and more regularly. If not blog, then at least write personally. Jon suggests I quantify this, so how about "more than once a month"?
13. Invent something - every Friday watching Shark Tank, I think... "I should do that..." Bam. 2014.
14. Have someone write a song for me **ahem** musically talented family
15. Begin the process of thinking about buying a house... and while not necessarily buying one, figuring out what comes next in our process, and maybe doing that? Like reading a book on it. Or picking a location
((this is harder than it looks to come up with... you should try being this goal-ish))
16. Read books regularly
17. Find a "chick flick" or "rom com" that Jon doesn't hate
18. Actually make one of the crafty ideas (not food, I do that all the time) that I pin on Pinterest
19. Watch past seasons of Modern Family
20. Go to either a Pats game or a Bruins game - filling out my experience of Boston sports. **Jon might have contributed slightly to this one, as I started running out of inspiration around #12.**
21. Make plans for Hendig #3 in 2015 - ladies, you know who you are, I'm looking at you...
22. Learn something new about myself (yes, I'm resorting to intangibles... I'm running out of ideas, but still want to make them realistic goals...)
23. Move out of my table against the wall (at work) into something that has walls (!walls!)
24. Roast marshmallows over a fire outside! And introduce S to s'mores! Urban camping, take 3?
25. Get the bed (and a bunch of other misc stuff) out of our dining room (into an intentional space)
26. Learn how to effectively remove stains from clothing
27. Send more letters and cards the old fashioned way, regularly
28. Take the GRE (pretty sure I said this last year too)
29. Return all the things that I've borrowed but forgotten (or failed) to return thus far.
.... and done. Remind me not to do this next year... :) Much love, as we begin year 30!
Thursday, November 14, 2013
Margins
As some of you might know, Jon and I have some big decisions, big steps, and big transitions coming up. We have a lot to process, and we are actively processing a lot.
From where to live to what to do, to when to do it, to what comes next for our family, to what's going on presently for our family, even down to silly things like trying to locate a place where it snows a lot and has beautiful falls and warm summers... and is affordable. Plus those little things like the continual processing of our ever-growing identities, to some tough and faith-testing circumstances of late, to how to raise a very wiggly toddler well... well, you get the picture. We're processing a lot and it often feels like we have a lot on our plates.
One of the things I love about InterVarsity New England in particular, is that they take the spiritual health and well-being of their staff seriously. So, in addition to all of the other conferences, trips, retreats, and work events they have... they also have a staff spiritual formation retreat... 3 days specifically designed to give staff space for their own personal spiritual formation. Time to listen. Time to be silent. Time to be with God and to hear from God, not for the sake of work, although it blesses work, but for the sake of your own heart and soul. Seriously, they are one things that I miss the most about being on IV staff. In the midst of the busy, it's a slowing down and perspective shifting that everyone - in ministry and out of it - would benefit from.
Anyhoo - Jon just got back from one a few weeks ago, and one of the things that he brought back with him, was that we needed to do a better job creating margins in our lives. Space, for God, and for each other. Non-busy time. Unplugged time. Intentionally silent time. Space, so that we actually can unpack the internal world and the external questions. While for us it is a Christian, spiritual thing - it is an idea that transcends that - and time and time again is shown to be ridiculously good for human beings to actually have non-noisy space. Down time, and internal world check-ins, if you will.
Not out of obligations, or a 30 minute mandatory check-off-the-list "quiet time." And not even all about prayer or contemplation or even all process time. But space where we are not noisy and are not busy and are not constantly moving. Space for sanity, so we're not "on" from the moment that we wake up until the moment that we fall into bed. Space so that we both start and stop work intentionally. Space so that we are beings as well as doings. Space, so that we actually can have some bandwidth to process some of those heavy-plate things that we're processing. It's unbelievably hard, by the way, to process anything, with any depth, when you're constantly on.
It's like a dell laptop - the old ones with the really sucky fans (you know what I'm talking about) - left on for like 2 months, with no cool-down time, then being asked to run a multifunction process. In less than 10 years. Not going to happen. Or at very least, not going to be pretty.
So, we're doing it. We're putting margins in our day. With a 9 month old. With two working parents. With days that start early (our son) and end late (working with college students). And a lot on our plates.
What does that practically look like? It's not super complicated or super spiritual at all - and is made easier by the fact that our son does *normally* sleep pretty well. We get up half an hour earlier, we ask our son to stay in his crib, if he wakes early, until a certain time and have his own personal play-time. We have "radio silent" time, where all our electronics are off - both in the morning and in the evening - giving us margins and space first thing and last thing in the day. We go to bed early enough so that we can wake up a little bit before our day has to start. We are ((trying)) not to eat our meals in front of the television, but actually at the table next to each other, with one another. And we have start and stop times to work.
Do we do it always? Absolutely not. Are we trying daily? Yes. Do we give ourselves days off, where we can stay up and watch as many episodes of LOST as we want? Yes, absolutely.
But can I tell you something about margins? About radio silence? It feels weird at first. Eerily unconnected (::what if something major happens on facebook and I don't know until tomorrow?????::) But it is also weirdly freeing. Calming. Refreshing. Like breathing fresh air. Like the busy has a limit, not because it has an end or a cessation, but because we choose to place limits on it. And you know what? The work gets done. And even though we technically have less time, it feels like we have more.
I'm not writing this to shame anyone - in fact, I'm really writing it because we're not great at it, and could use the encouragement of other people knowing and maybe asking us every once in a while. In fact, honest truth, I both checked my phone in silent time AND slept in past my alarm this morning. And we ate in front of the television last night. ::gasp:: And I am writing this this afternoon, because it's not a law, and there is grace. We're not pros but we're learning, and we're still trying, day-in and day-out, to put intentional space in our days. And we're inviting you into our process.
I'm writing it as a reminder to myself, that it does actually matter. That space is a good thing. That it's counter-cultural, but worth-while. That we need the space. That we can do this. Choosing, daily.
And I'm writing it, hopefully as an encouragement to you, that space is actually a good thing. That yes, it takes intentionality, yes it is hard, and yes, it is totally counter-cultural. But it is worth it. And that no matter how busy your life might seem - students, I know. Trust me. I was an 7am to 3am gal in college too. Parents, I know. They're everywhere. Always. And oh so noisy. But we all generally have the capacity to create space (exceptions - like the first 6 weeks of parenthood - certainly apply, but are, in general, the exception, not the rule), even if it can't be fully silent or alone (parents) or can't be in the morning (college students) or can't be [x] (for you). Our phones/computers/ipads/gadgets have an off/silent button, and we (for the most part) have the capacity to put a limit on the busy, somewhere in our days.
Maybe this is not for you right now. And my intention is not to say that it has to be - please forgive me, if it comes across that way - but it is the invitation for us right now. And it's something that I'm grateful for, wrestling with, longing for, and working towards, so... there ya go. :)
- KD
From where to live to what to do, to when to do it, to what comes next for our family, to what's going on presently for our family, even down to silly things like trying to locate a place where it snows a lot and has beautiful falls and warm summers... and is affordable. Plus those little things like the continual processing of our ever-growing identities, to some tough and faith-testing circumstances of late, to how to raise a very wiggly toddler well... well, you get the picture. We're processing a lot and it often feels like we have a lot on our plates.
One of the things I love about InterVarsity New England in particular, is that they take the spiritual health and well-being of their staff seriously. So, in addition to all of the other conferences, trips, retreats, and work events they have... they also have a staff spiritual formation retreat... 3 days specifically designed to give staff space for their own personal spiritual formation. Time to listen. Time to be silent. Time to be with God and to hear from God, not for the sake of work, although it blesses work, but for the sake of your own heart and soul. Seriously, they are one things that I miss the most about being on IV staff. In the midst of the busy, it's a slowing down and perspective shifting that everyone - in ministry and out of it - would benefit from.
Anyhoo - Jon just got back from one a few weeks ago, and one of the things that he brought back with him, was that we needed to do a better job creating margins in our lives. Space, for God, and for each other. Non-busy time. Unplugged time. Intentionally silent time. Space, so that we actually can unpack the internal world and the external questions. While for us it is a Christian, spiritual thing - it is an idea that transcends that - and time and time again is shown to be ridiculously good for human beings to actually have non-noisy space. Down time, and internal world check-ins, if you will.
Not out of obligations, or a 30 minute mandatory check-off-the-list "quiet time." And not even all about prayer or contemplation or even all process time. But space where we are not noisy and are not busy and are not constantly moving. Space for sanity, so we're not "on" from the moment that we wake up until the moment that we fall into bed. Space so that we both start and stop work intentionally. Space so that we are beings as well as doings. Space, so that we actually can have some bandwidth to process some of those heavy-plate things that we're processing. It's unbelievably hard, by the way, to process anything, with any depth, when you're constantly on.
It's like a dell laptop - the old ones with the really sucky fans (you know what I'm talking about) - left on for like 2 months, with no cool-down time, then being asked to run a multifunction process. In less than 10 years. Not going to happen. Or at very least, not going to be pretty.
So, we're doing it. We're putting margins in our day. With a 9 month old. With two working parents. With days that start early (our son) and end late (working with college students). And a lot on our plates.
What does that practically look like? It's not super complicated or super spiritual at all - and is made easier by the fact that our son does *normally* sleep pretty well. We get up half an hour earlier, we ask our son to stay in his crib, if he wakes early, until a certain time and have his own personal play-time. We have "radio silent" time, where all our electronics are off - both in the morning and in the evening - giving us margins and space first thing and last thing in the day. We go to bed early enough so that we can wake up a little bit before our day has to start. We are ((trying)) not to eat our meals in front of the television, but actually at the table next to each other, with one another. And we have start and stop times to work.
Do we do it always? Absolutely not. Are we trying daily? Yes. Do we give ourselves days off, where we can stay up and watch as many episodes of LOST as we want? Yes, absolutely.
But can I tell you something about margins? About radio silence? It feels weird at first. Eerily unconnected (::what if something major happens on facebook and I don't know until tomorrow?????::) But it is also weirdly freeing. Calming. Refreshing. Like breathing fresh air. Like the busy has a limit, not because it has an end or a cessation, but because we choose to place limits on it. And you know what? The work gets done. And even though we technically have less time, it feels like we have more.
I'm not writing this to shame anyone - in fact, I'm really writing it because we're not great at it, and could use the encouragement of other people knowing and maybe asking us every once in a while. In fact, honest truth, I both checked my phone in silent time AND slept in past my alarm this morning. And we ate in front of the television last night. ::gasp:: And I am writing this this afternoon, because it's not a law, and there is grace. We're not pros but we're learning, and we're still trying, day-in and day-out, to put intentional space in our days. And we're inviting you into our process.
I'm writing it as a reminder to myself, that it does actually matter. That space is a good thing. That it's counter-cultural, but worth-while. That we need the space. That we can do this. Choosing, daily.
And I'm writing it, hopefully as an encouragement to you, that space is actually a good thing. That yes, it takes intentionality, yes it is hard, and yes, it is totally counter-cultural. But it is worth it. And that no matter how busy your life might seem - students, I know. Trust me. I was an 7am to 3am gal in college too. Parents, I know. They're everywhere. Always. And oh so noisy. But we all generally have the capacity to create space (exceptions - like the first 6 weeks of parenthood - certainly apply, but are, in general, the exception, not the rule), even if it can't be fully silent or alone (parents) or can't be in the morning (college students) or can't be [x] (for you). Our phones/computers/ipads/gadgets have an off/silent button, and we (for the most part) have the capacity to put a limit on the busy, somewhere in our days.
Maybe this is not for you right now. And my intention is not to say that it has to be - please forgive me, if it comes across that way - but it is the invitation for us right now. And it's something that I'm grateful for, wrestling with, longing for, and working towards, so... there ya go. :)
- KD
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
Most Helpful Baby Products, 9 months in
Warning: mommy blog post to follow. :) Feel free to disengage now if that's not your thing. But in the spirit of new found freedom, here ya go; this is one of the more lighthearted things I've been thinking about this week, among other things. And this is totally more fun than vocabulary words or math problems, or studying for my first standardized test in over a decade, or all the hard things that I'm exhausted from thinking about, or figuring out our lives, or you know, all those other grown-up things which seem to take so much energy and time.
Most Helpful Baby Products that we used Way More than I Ever Thought we would:
this baby bib: it's made of silicone, it has a spill catcher, it's super easy to wash/clean, and it keeps food from going all over my son. It was a gift from friends Lynn and Jeremy, and we use it literally every meal that we eat at home. for S, not for Jon and me, although if they made grown-up ones, I'd think about it. seriously is going to become my go-to baby-shower gift.
Itzbeen Baby Timer: a friend recommended this, and especially for those first few months of sleep-deprivation/exhaustion, where you can't really remember where your face is, let alone how long ago you fed the baby, this was great. simple push of a button, bam - extra brain RAM.
the baby wipe warmer: no specific brand, and I honestly thought this was kind of dumb, excessive, unnecessary, etc. But in the middle of the night when our son would scream because of cold bottom meets colder wipes, and this made this difference between happy 3am changes and scream-y ones, it was totally worth it.
a solid baby carrier - used almost daily. We started out with a Bjorn when he was little, and then graduated to an Ergo a few weeks ago. I think if I were to do it again, I'd just do the Ergo, but both served their purposes well - the Ergo is just more versatile, a bit more comfortable, and better for older, e.g. heavier, babies. And makes a huge difference when you walk a ton, or live in a city that isn't entirely stroller accessible.
Baby spoons which turn white if the food is too hot. Totally unnecessary, and not something I would pay more to have, but definitely saves a step if it's been a long day and you have a screamy hungry baby.
Pack n Play - S's bed of choice for 3 months, and then our travel bed, guest baby bed, etc.
Baby Trend Jogging Stroller- much cheaper than its contemporaries, but we've found it to be great, even after heavy usage for 9 months.
Medela Double Electric Breast Pump: if you're planning on going back to work, or leaving baby at all, ever, and are planning to breast-feed, make sure you get a comfortable, good quality pump. While I loath all things pumping, having a good one as made a huge difference, when you have to hang out with it fairly often. The Lansinoh hand-pump is also not terrible, for less frequent needs. I thought about naming mine, I hung out with it so much, but that was just too weird (eww), so we passed. Also, insurance covers it in most states. Ask your health care provider.
A paci clip. Doesn't matter who makes it - crafty friends can make this easily and super cheaply. But when your kid loves his paci, and loves throwing his paci, or talking, or opening his mouth, or losing his paci regularly, this is an absolute necessity. Unless you like searching everywhere for the paci. Or constantly doing the bend and grab. In which case, enjoy, and disregard.
And for us, with lots of travel, a small sound machine has been a life-saver for helping baby sleep in new places, as well as blocking out noise from small apartment living and noisy neighbors, and sharing rooms, and all those other lovely things.
So there ya go. Feel free to use any/all/none of it. :)
Most Helpful Baby Products that we used Way More than I Ever Thought we would:
this baby bib: it's made of silicone, it has a spill catcher, it's super easy to wash/clean, and it keeps food from going all over my son. It was a gift from friends Lynn and Jeremy, and we use it literally every meal that we eat at home. for S, not for Jon and me, although if they made grown-up ones, I'd think about it. seriously is going to become my go-to baby-shower gift.
Itzbeen Baby Timer: a friend recommended this, and especially for those first few months of sleep-deprivation/exhaustion, where you can't really remember where your face is, let alone how long ago you fed the baby, this was great. simple push of a button, bam - extra brain RAM.
the baby wipe warmer: no specific brand, and I honestly thought this was kind of dumb, excessive, unnecessary, etc. But in the middle of the night when our son would scream because of cold bottom meets colder wipes, and this made this difference between happy 3am changes and scream-y ones, it was totally worth it.
a solid baby carrier - used almost daily. We started out with a Bjorn when he was little, and then graduated to an Ergo a few weeks ago. I think if I were to do it again, I'd just do the Ergo, but both served their purposes well - the Ergo is just more versatile, a bit more comfortable, and better for older, e.g. heavier, babies. And makes a huge difference when you walk a ton, or live in a city that isn't entirely stroller accessible.
Baby spoons which turn white if the food is too hot. Totally unnecessary, and not something I would pay more to have, but definitely saves a step if it's been a long day and you have a screamy hungry baby.
Pack n Play - S's bed of choice for 3 months, and then our travel bed, guest baby bed, etc.
Baby Trend Jogging Stroller- much cheaper than its contemporaries, but we've found it to be great, even after heavy usage for 9 months.
Medela Double Electric Breast Pump: if you're planning on going back to work, or leaving baby at all, ever, and are planning to breast-feed, make sure you get a comfortable, good quality pump. While I loath all things pumping, having a good one as made a huge difference, when you have to hang out with it fairly often. The Lansinoh hand-pump is also not terrible, for less frequent needs. I thought about naming mine, I hung out with it so much, but that was just too weird (eww), so we passed. Also, insurance covers it in most states. Ask your health care provider.
A paci clip. Doesn't matter who makes it - crafty friends can make this easily and super cheaply. But when your kid loves his paci, and loves throwing his paci, or talking, or opening his mouth, or losing his paci regularly, this is an absolute necessity. Unless you like searching everywhere for the paci. Or constantly doing the bend and grab. In which case, enjoy, and disregard.
And for us, with lots of travel, a small sound machine has been a life-saver for helping baby sleep in new places, as well as blocking out noise from small apartment living and noisy neighbors, and sharing rooms, and all those other lovely things.
So there ya go. Feel free to use any/all/none of it. :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
All about the Village, People
Sister, brother, let your village love you. A year and a half ago, the unthinkable happened to my family. What my husband an...
-
Today was a pretty average day, by our standards. One big meltdown because a train line was delayed and we didn't get to ride it. Ano...
-
This week's prompt: Present Go. Have you ever noticed, that when we blog, we often take on an entirely different voice? Somewhat re...
-
There are some days when marriage is easy, parenting is sweet and filled with joy, friendships are simple and close, and we feel comfortable...
