snippets and vignettes

I have a lot of thoughts, but none of them form one coherent blog post, so today is snippets, vignettes, some maybe with more to come, others complete in and of themselves for the time being.  Either way, I need to write for me, whether or not they are complete:

- I left my job at the big prestigious business school across town this month.  It was the right move for our family, and wise by many reasons (both financial and otherwise), and I know that, but I'm still wrestling.   It was my choice, our choice together, and ultimately a process of unclenching my hands from my sense of "known" and unhealthy clinging to something I thought could give me identity and choosing to take a leap, a risk, and jump towards a healthier place. It's scary, and unknown, and I'm still working out who I am - but it's a work in process - and the right work in process.  I'm scared you (not sure who you is) will put me in a congratulatory box that I can't get out of - "working mom," "stay-at-home mom," "throwing away her career," "finally recognizing her calling to stay home" - none of which feel accurate or true.  I'm still figuring out who I am - but I know that it involves trying something new, working with my hands and my mind,  being there for my kiddos, taking a risk, and stepping out in faith now.  So here I stand.

- My relationship with money is hard right now.  Living in the balance that we have enough, while still poignantly aware of our "tightness" is hard.  And in a month where our budget does not easily balance with our income, while I look for a job that will fit with our needs, I'm struggling to see the side of the balance wherein we have plenty.  But we do.  And always do.  Always.  And I know we're called to gratitude, and freedom, but it's not easy to avoid the nagging fear of "what if."

- My sons are so incredibly precious to me - and I am constantly in awe of the gift that I get to receive every day in being their mom.  When I get one of those giant slobbery kisses, or bear hugs, or sweet smiles reserved just for mom - I melt.  And each night, I thank Jesus with a true heart for the incredible joy that he has given me in them.  That being said, man!  Kids take a lot of energy, and that super sweet "mama.  mama.  MAma.  MAMA!" can drive you up a wall some days. Being a parent is both beautiful and sweet and HARD on a daily basis.  And that's truth.   And good to admit sometimes, because let's face it, when you're in it, you know.  But somehow we think we need to keep it pretty all the time - and that's just exhausting.  Like cleaning up all the caked-on graham cracker crumbs and cheerios lovingly mashed into our sofa cushions...

- This week, on the same day, one friend miscarried her hoped for and prayed for baby, and another gave birth to hers.  The dichotomy and consistency of grief and joy brings me to my knees with tears both times.  We took meals to both, prayed with both, and have promised to be part of the lives of both.  It's important, Church, friends, people, that we actively celebrate life - whether by grieving with those who are losing it and hurting, or by celebrating with those who are welcoming new life.  Our consistency and value of life matters, in both fullness and emptiness, and we need to walk that out.  I suck at empathy and grief, and far prefer joyful celebration, but both are intimately part of what it means to authentically care for one another.

- I have been struck many times lately, of how beautiful it is that marriage is a covenant.  A promise.  And not just a high or an emotion or a feeling.  For better or for worse.  In sickness and in health.  In identity crisis and in firm foundation.  In sleepless nights and honeymoon vacations.  In transition and in establishment.  That I, that we, can be seen and loved, in our best and worst.  There's a security and a gift in that, that I, that we, are welcomed, known, received, loved, when it's gritty and when it's glorious. And often times both at the same time.  It's a transformational thing and it is transforming both of us.  For that, I am so grateful.

- I actually love making things beautiful - by gardening and growing things, by cleaning and decorating, by creating things with my own hands.  All things that you might not know, in examining my house on a day to day basis.  But true none-the-less.  And I need to do more of that, both for myself and for others.

Since there is no theme to this post, we will end it thus with no conclusion.  My apologies for my nap-time meanderings and ramblings.  But sometimes there are just so many thoughts in fragments in my mind that getting them out leaves more room for the construction of fuller, more eloquent thoughts to follow. :)