Grace, Grace. More Grace.

Yesterday was a phenomenal day, personally and in parenting.  I asked for help, graciously received really helpful feedback and thought through ways to implement it for our family;  I didn't lose my temper at all with the boys; they took great naps; we had adventures and explored; I thoroughly enjoyed my kiddos, and by bedtime we were all a good kind of tired.  And I was peaceful and generous still when Jon got home.  Yesterday was the kind of day that I probably should write about, but didn't.  Instead, we write today.

Today.

Today has been the kind of day that you want to hide from and pretend never happened.

By 9am today, we were already on full-out-temper-tantrum, puddle-on-the-floor number three - and I had already lost my temper once, and responded in anger to my oldest son.  And from there, it just went downhill.  Can I just be real for a moment?  Two is can be a really hard age, y'all.  I love my son to pieces, and his curiosity and intelligence are wonderful - but some days are just exhausting, as I set boundaries and he pushes back on a.l.l. of them.  Saying no constantly is "NO" fun.  It's not bad-ness, or even purely disobedience - it's just the experience of growing up and figuring out his limits - he's a really sweet little boy - but man, it is wearing.  And I don't always respond in the ways that I know are good, or even the ways that I want to.

I wrote this reflection during their pseudo nap-time, as I attempted to reset and regain perspective.  I'm guessing some of you might resonate, so I share it with you for that reason, as I attempt to live more in the #RealMeRightNow mentality and transparency in writing.

In my tatter-kneed jeans, I kneel

Raw skin against the floor -

Too much skin in the ballgame.

Jesus, Jesus, when you called me into this job -

This life, this calling -

Motherhood -

I thought you would equip me.

I thought you would enable me.

I thought you would make me enough.

But I am not.

I'm not enough to handle my boys crazy.

And definitely not enough to handle my own.

Their curiosity has bested me - their energy exhausted me -

My temper has defeated me - my own words accused and marked me.

I have not been the mother I ought to be,

And certainly not the mother I thought I'd be.

Jesus, Jesus, I thought that you'd equip me.

I thought that you would enable me.

I thought that you would make me enough.

There is no manual - there are no instructions -

Wheels up, you hit the ground running.

As I hold the oldest, whispering in his ear -

"Mommy's sorry, baby."

"I lost my temper again.  Please forgive me."

Or listen to the littlest fight against sleep, even now,

Brain overloaded and muscles moving with new developments

That I can't fix or help -

I thought - this is motherhood.

And it's okay.

Take a deep breath -

Hold your babies in your arms and look them in the eyes,

"I'm so sorry baby.  Mommy needs grace too."

"And so do you."

Mommy is - I am - not enough.

And that's okay.

Jesus is.

There is no condemnation here.

And you are not alone.

Deep breath.

Grace, grace, more grace.

Reset.

I am not enough.  But I know who is.

And that's more than okay.

Motherhood is not about being enough.

It's about being present.

Giving all you've got and then some.

Loving with a love that is fierce and for them and yet

Loving yourself enough to take care of yourself for you and for them.

Knowing your own limits, even as you honor theirs.

Grace, grace, more grace.

It's not about being flawless -

It's about owning your imperfections and modeling,

Grace.  Repentance.  Forgiveness.  Rest.  Refueling.

If perfection or enough is your goal -

You've lost already.

Our children need our strength, yes.

But they also need to see our weaknesses and need

In order to find freedom for their own -

Strengths and Weaknesses.

Grace.  Grace.  More grace.

Grace is what I need today.

Grace for my children.

Grace for myself.

Grace.  Grace.  More grace.