NYTimes say about half of us are delaying major life decisions because of money worries. We think about it all the time, make decisions based on it, define ourselves and others by it, utilize it daily, are (many of us) buried under debt by it, and yet, rarely talk candidly about it.
This is roughly the third post on money that I've started and (not yet) finished. It's an odd subject, no? Hard to decide a wise direction to take the post, hard to write with hope and encouragement, not self-focus or self-pity. And hard to talk about unless you're really transparent, and well, that's often seen as awkward, or socially inappropriate, etc.
When have I ever been phased by awkward? Sorry awkward-phased people.
We'll see if I finish this one. Here we go.
I was raised under the penumbra of "money is tight" - and it was legitimately. And while we always had food, shelter, and clothing, and in hindsight, really never had want, it was still scary at times because of this ominous sense that there was no safety net. And, at least to my adolescent mind, it always felt like we were teetering on the brink, never secure financially. Money was always a "what we want but do not yet have."
I am certain I am not alone in this, and equally certain that many had it far worse than we did, even as many had it far better. In this blog, I am intentionally trying to share only stories that are mine to share, and as a result, am not sharing much about our financial situation growing up. But at the same time, I need to tell you transparently that it is often hard for me, when I do share in "honoring generality," that what I mean by "money was tight" is minimized, misunderstood, and mis-empathized with, in ways that are frustrating. Suffice to say, when I say "tight," I mean budgeted down to the cents, not dollars, and with the realities of debt and few safety nets.
As result, I learned to save perniciously - for many of my single years, saving well over a quarter of my paycheck (or more), counting pennies at the grocery store (I used to carry a calculator through the store), and always living in preparation for worst case scenario. Whatever my financial situation, I defined it as "not enough" - exacerbated by the fact that I went into ministry, and my paycheck was always well below what my peers made - even though truthfully, had I had the eyes to see it, I was able to live quite comfortably, even while still being financially responsible. I was miserly even as I focused on what I did not have, devoid of joy when it came to finances.
Thank the Lord, that is not the end of the story, even though in honesty, it is the impoverished counter-narrative that oft attempts to run subversively to the richer one.
Financially, not much has changed for us: we live in a rented apartment, two bedrooms for four of us, and in this housing market, our odds of buying a house in the next few years are relatively low, if we stay in the Boston area. We are on one salary plus my odds and ends, because childcare would actually cost more than I would be able to bring in if I were working part-time, and we have made the choice for me not to work full-time at this point in our kids lives. Values decision, and a choice certainly, but we stand by it.
We make just over $40K a year, for a family of four, living in Boston, which according to Kiplinger is the 7th most expensive city to live in in the US, with housing expenses third highest in the country. These details are shared with Jon's knowledge and blessing, and do not in any way reflect negatively on his ability to provide for our family. He does a great job, and we are able to live well for all effective purposes, even though finances are tight. If you want to know what your income would need to be in different places, to translate to the same standard of living as you presently have, check out the cost of living calculator. It's kind of fun if you live elsewhere, kind of disheartening if you live in DC, San Francisco, Honolulu, San Jose, Boston, Stamford, or New York. I am transparent with these details not to elicit a particular response from you, but so that I am clear where I am coming from, not playing off of generalities.
Money is relatively tight for us. That is a reality. But the truth is, I am learning there is far more to being rich than the amount of money that you have, or the amount of safety nets that are in place. The dollar amount that we make does not have to determine our wealth level. Or more specifically, our joy level, when it comes to finances.
I am learning that miserliness is not the only way to be wise with money.
That joy is a perspective.
That generosity is not diametrically opposed to wisdom even when money is tight.
And that generosity yields gratitude within me, and in gratitude, I find the joy that I seek the most.
So can I share a little bit of what I've been learning?
- We are not poor, even as we are not wealthy. According to this fun tool, 30% of people living in our area are poorer than we are (family size not taken into account). There are many who have far less than we do, even as there are many who have far more than we do. And I'm not even speaking globally, although that contrast is certainly far sharper. Perspective does not make our own financial needs less, but it does help to sharpen our gratitude - which is key, I have found in loosening the hold of miserliness
- Regardless of what we make, it will never fully feel like "enough." And that is the case whether we make $20K, $40K or $100K or $whatever. Even though some suggest that $75K is the perfect amount for happiness. Regardless of what we make, there are always places that feel "tight" or "hard" - and struggles that are different for each person, and misunderstood by those not in our "situations." This understanding enables us to listen with empathy and grace to the financial struggles with others, regardless of how they relate to our own, and consider how we can encourage them, rather than give way to bitterness or begrudging.
- We can still idolize or misuse money, whether we have much or little. And even though saving is important, and safety nets are helpful (and we are happy to have them now), the hoarding of money in order to gain safety (often motivated by fear)
- We are still called to steward money well, manage it well, and regardless of overall dollar amount, we are invited to generosity in the ways that we are able. And surprisingly, giving tends to bring greater joy than hoarding ever does.
- And lastly, we have a choice as to whether we live as though we are lacking, or live in the abundance of what we do have. It doesn't change the dollar amount, but it certainly requires a change of heart.
Track with me, we'll talk more about this next time in Part II.
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