Money, Part III: Wisdom and Generosity

I have to tell you - writing a lot about money has made me think a lot about it, and even made me realize some of the new and different ways that my relationship with money leads to shame and pride.  And last night, even found myself overwhelmed with shame over money and some of the ways that I manage it, or failed to manage it well.

I am realizing (as I write these posts) that in the past few months, I have swung the opposite direction from my previous stingy-self, and have taken the new-found freedom of living out of a mentality of abundance, and given myself a bit more license than is healthy to spend on things that we may or may not need.  And there were ways that Jon and I needed to talk through that, recalibrate, and reassess how we (I, since I handle most of our day-to-day finances) handle money.  Always a fine line, friends, needing checks and balances.  And no one is perfect at it.  

Grace, grace, and more grace.  We're in this together.  I'm learning, as I go.  And grateful for the opportunity to learn and grow alongside you.  Thank you.

So final installment.  You can find the first two parts here and here if you missed them!

A few years ago, before I got married, but as I was beginning to realize the ways that money had a stranglehold over me, I made a unique commitment as part of my annual "rule of life."  I made a commitment, that no matter who it was, or what they asked for - that I would give to anyone who asked.  I would give from within my means, not above it - which is important - but I would intentionally practice generosity by taking the choice out of it.  My answer was yes, regardless, even if the amount was still in my control. Moreover, I would seek out opportunities to give generously, without being asked, both financially and otherwise.  Sometimes a Grinchy heart requires dramatic action to help it grow the desired amount.

I have not had this as part of my rule of life for several years now - but the lessons that I learned have stuck with me since then, and have been fundamental in helping me to understand joy and money well together.

- I learned that there is always something that I can give, no matter how tight money is.  It might not be glamorous - it might just be a dollar - it might be a meaningful smile or volunteering of my time - but there is always something.  And often times, there was more than I thought there would be.

- I learned that it's actually fun to surprise people, to give good gifts, or care for their tangible needs.  That whether they knew it was from me or not, whether they said thank you or not, I felt the value of that investment personally, simply because of the increase in joy and delight that I felt.  And I actually found this to be more true with anonymous generosity than with known, where unfortunately pride and "deservedness" often muddle the water.

- I also learned that generosity does not have to be a lot in order to be well-received or meaningful, to giver and receiver.  Sometimes the most meaningful generosity is a couple dollars without strings attached, free babysitting, a cup of hot coffee, or arms to hold a wiggly baby.

- And finally, I learned that giving from what I had - not what I didn't have - important! - did not make me feel want or lacking more.  Rather, it made me feel richer,  more aware of what I had.  And more delighted in its stewardship.  Joy increased.  Wealth seemed to grow as well, even though the spreadsheets indicated no change.  I felt abundance, even as I gave it away in very little pieces.  And my needs, and as our family grew, the needs of our family, were still able to be met.

Give it a try.  I think you might be surprised by how much richer and fuller life is, when you practice, live, and value generosity in tangible, daily ways.

So how do we do this - hold on to perspective, manage money with wisdom, and give generously?  Right?  That's what we all want to know. (me! me!)

Ultimately, I'm not going to give you financial advice - I'm far from qualified to do that, and there are a ton of excellent resources out there that can give you far more sound advice than I can (Dave Ramsey, et al).  Here's what I do want to tell you though - foundational principles that I think are helpful regardless of what your financial situation is:

1.  Cut the ties between identity and finances, however you have to do that.  You will get nowhere fruitful until you are able to honestly say, from a heart level, "I am not what I make." "Those who make more than me, are not more than me, those who make less than me (or nothing) are not less than me."  Friends, at a core level, I firmly believe this is an identity issue.  We have to begin there.

2. Know yourself and your natural tendencies - are you a hoarder, or a spender?  Are you naturally generous or naturally thrifty?  Do you wrestle more with pride or with shame, when it comes to money?  What might a good first step towards balance look like for you?  Who might be able to help you grow in that regard?  Reassess regularly.

3.  Ask for help in managing your money well.  Financial planning is important, whether we have much or little.  And when shame and pride are not in the mix, this is much easier to do.  And as a result, it is easier to be wise AND generous with our money.  Make a plan, and stick with it - thinking about both long term and short term goals.

4.  Give out of what you have - not what you don't - give regularly in some capacity, and give generously.  I'm not talking about a tithe or a monthly line-item, although both are good ways to instill in our minds that money is not simply to be possessed.  It's a good start - but for me, didn't necessarily correlate to a heart of generosity.  Look for opportunities to be generous - and rather than ask yourself, "Can I give?" ask "What can I wisely give?" *Wisely is key here, as some of us are tempted to give what is not healthy for our families, the recipient, or ourselves.  If the truthful, honest answer is "nothing," then the best thing that you can give in that moment is a truthful and a direct "No, I really can't at this point in time" - which shockingly is actually a gift in and of itself, releasing both the giver and the receiver.  But more often than not, there is something that we can wisely give, whether monetarily or otherwise.

5.  Look for, and focus on abundance, rather than lacking.  When we complain less about money, and sometimes even focus less on it, and notice the things that we do have, somehow our joy increases even if our finances don't.  Make a list if you need help seeing those things.  Ask a friend if you need outside perspective.  Cultivate thankfulness.  I love (the idea of) Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts - still haven't actually read it (I know!).  But it's a discipline of actually chronicling the gifts which we daily receive, in order to cultivate thankfulness. And emphasizes again, abundance is a perspective, not a destination.

6.  Give yourself grace.  Again and again and again.  And continually seek to invest in things that bring joy, not just (or as well as) enjoyment and security.


With love, and with you on this journey towards perspective, abundance and wise generosity,
KD