- Training for a marathon... and then having to drop out 5 weeks before the race because of injury...
- Getting married...
- Giving birth to both of our sons...
- Choosing to forgive a family member...
- Processing through a hard friendship with a co-worker and learning to relate, forgive and love someone very different from me in the hard work of day-in-and-day-out life together...
- Not being offered a job that I thought I wanted, and out of that, being transferred to Boston...
- A required sabbatical for personal growth and spiritual health...
- The marathon bombings...
- Studying abroad...
- Living with my roommates in college...
- Walking alongside someone very dear to me, struggling with depression...
- ... and many more that I didn't think of during that run or that are inappropriate to mention in this time or place...
[As an aside, it's a good processing experience... I'd highly recommend thinking through it for yourself. We use the phrase "life-changing" somewhat flippantly, but we all have had those experiences that actually life-changing, some in redemptive ways, and others in ways that we have to work through and strive to find redemption in and from. Identifying them gives us more perspective on who we are, who we are becoming, what we value, and what we've lost or are grieving. ]
All of these have actually - not figuratively - changed my life in some tangible way.
Jon laughs at me, because when I read birth stories (whether I know the person or not), they make me cry - almost every time. There's something about them that is so beautiful - as life bursts into this world through the hard process of blood, pain, and tears and a newborn is named and declared and presented to the world. I always have cried; it's nothing new. But there is a new depth to it now, after having my own babies, because it awakens something in me that reminds me of those precious, hard, glorious moments. And so I wanted to write out those stories and experiences, for me, for my own reflection, because they were actually life-changing, pivotal moments for me.
If that's not your thing, feel free to stop reading now and maybe reflect for yourself on life-changing moments in your own life!
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Samuel (S) - January 2013
At 8:30am on a Sunday morning, I woke up with my first contraction - two days past my due date, my first child, but I knew instantly that this was the start of labor. But I was calm and peaceful, committed to staying home as long as possible, and confident that things would go smoothly. We debated going to a meeting at church, but decided to hold off, since we weren't sure how the day would go. Contractions were slow, not super painful, and took a couple breaks. I ate meals, took a bath, sat on my yoga ball, watched TV, and just enjoyed the day... I was in no rush, and we told no one that labor had started.
Around 4pm, we were talking on the phone with my mother-in-law, who we hadn't told yet that we were in labor, when contractions started to get more intense. I remember having a hard time breathing through the contractions and trying really hard not to let on on the phone (hard!). After we got off the phone, we timed again, and were about 3-4 minutes apart, and were starting to get more intense. After calling the hospital and getting the go-ahead, we headed in, getting there about 5:30pm. I was admitted in active labor, at 3cm dilated, and checked into our birthing suite. And yes, we did tell our families at that point that the little guy was on his way!
For the next 6 hours, labor was pretty intense, contractions every 2-3 minutes, and dilating slowly. I think at 9pm, we were checked at 6cm - but I don't remember much in specific detail. My doctor was out of town at his son's wedding, so we had the on-call partner in his practice, who was great, but wanted me to be hooked up to the monitors constantly. My goal was to give birth naturally, no meds, and I knew it would be easier for me to do that if I was able to be up and moving around, and more importantly, spending a lot of time in the labor tub. Once we worked out a compromise on that, things went fairly smoothly. And I spent majority of the time in the tub.
From 9-11pm, contractions were every 1-2 minutes and very intense, and I started to feel overwhelmed and like there was no possible way that I would be able to do this. We were in that lovely phase of labor, called transition, even though I didn't recognize it. S had also rotated to get through the pelvis, and I was having awful back labor, and in a lot of pain. I told Jon that I didn't know if I could make it. I was convinced S would never come out, would be in there forever, and labor would never end. My body was shaking so badly that I could barely speak (a side effect of labor they rarely tell you about, but totally "normal"), and I was close to using our code word ("tyrannosaurus rex") and asking for pain meds. Jon was a fantastic birthing coach, talking me through it, helping me with pain management, and affirming that S would not go to college inside my womb ["the doctors won't let that happen"]. Somewhere around 12:15am, he started singing Bon Jovi's "Living on a Prayer"... "half-way there..." and just like that, ["woah-oh"] my water broke... and we dilated very quickly to a full 10 cms. From there, things moved very quickly. Within 15-20 minutes, I was ready to push, and after about 45 minutes of pushing, with a little bit of oxygen for me, and a great nurse and husband helping, Samuel was born. I actually found the pushing part less painful and far more empowering than the rest of labor, because the end was in sight and I knew he was coming that night...
Samuel Howard Douthit entered the world at 1:28am, after 17 hours of labor, covered in meconium (poop), with the cord wrapped around his neck twice. His first few minutes were a blur, cutting the cord while I was still pushing, calling a specialist to check his lungs, and then, cleaning him up before he was handed to me. He weighed in at 7lbs, 12 oz, and was beautiful. He was healthy, alert, contented, nursed very quickly, vociferously hungry, and was ours. And in an instant, my life changed, as I became his mom.
While everyone does labor differently, I was really grateful that we opted to have a natural labor and delivery - I was up and walking around for nearly the entire duration, and was able to use the bathroom and walk by myself within the hour. Samuel was alert and able to nurse quickly. And I think it did make my recovery easier - even though with S, I did have a harder recovery than with E. It was also incredibly empowering to me, to see that I could do that... that my body could do that... Never before had I experienced such a level of pain, and never before had I done something that hard, felt that needy and dependent on others, felt that weak and powerless during nor felt that strong and powerful as I reflected back.
Labor with S changed me in three ways: first and foremost, it brought S into the world, a gift that I will forever be grateful for and changed by. It also gave me a whole new perspective on myself and what I was capable of withstanding and bearing through. And finally, it gave me a much deeper appreciation for the female body, and how it creates life, sustains life, and then works organically to usher life into this world. Also, a much deeper sense of reverence for both how natural and beautiful birth is and how insane [and can be scary] it is physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
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Elijah (E) - June 2014
Because of our positive experience giving birth to S, we decided to follow a very similar birth plan with E. Two things were different this time around - one, we had another child, and so our flexibility and ability to do things depended on having care for him. And two, our employment and insurance were changing two days after E was due, so while we would have COBRA, it was on my mind that it would be easier if he was born before things transitioned!
At 4:35am on a Saturday morning (E's due date), I woke up to my first contraction. We had a good hunch that he was coming soon, as at our 40 week appointment the day before, I was already 3 cms dilated and the doctor said he thought it be sometime over the weekend. Contractions were mild, and coming every 8-10 minutes, so at 7:30am, we called Jon's mom so that she could begin her 12 hour drive up to take care of S while we were in the hospital and we texted our two friends who would care for S in the interim, if there was a gap between when we headed to the hospital and when she arrived. Because there were other people who had to plan their days around our needs, and other factors in consideration, I was a bit more angsty that it happen that day.
Throughout the day, my contractions came and went, not really regular, nor particular strong - just enough that I knew they were still there. But this time, I was antsy and couldn't really rest and relax and "just let things happen." So we walked a lot, which made them speed up, and I bounced a lot, and took care of a lot of things around the house that needed to be taken care of for S, and we kept people posted. Around 2pm, contractions were regular around 3-4 minutes and stronger, so knowing that second kids often come faster, we called our friend to watch S, and headed to the hospital. But, by the time we got there and got checked in, they were moderate again, not regular, and while I was dilated to 4cm already, we weren't in "active labor" anymore. My doctor, who was on call this weekend, wanted to break my water to speed things up, but because I was committed to a natural labor and delivery, I declined, not wanting to put an actual time clock on the process. We walked around the hospital for an hour or two, trying to get things started again - and then, when they weren't really picking up, we made the decision to head home to labor there for a while, so that I could eat (can't do that once you check in) and just relax a bit more. I was exhausted, frustrated, and felt like my doctor wasn't on the same page as me, and felt a little silly for having gone in only to have things stop (*after I had already been through this dance once, I should know better, right?*)
So we went home, put S to bed, ordered a pizza, and I took a bath, amidst tears and disappointment, and stopped timing contractions. Around 8pm, Jon noticed that I was having much more regular contractions, so we started timing again, and at that point, they were fairly intense and about every 2-3 minutes. I was hesitant to head to the hospital again for fear things would slow down and stop again, but he persuaded me that it really was time to go again. We checked in, around 9pm at 5cms, in active labor.
This time around, contractions were not as intense, constantly - and ebbed and flowed - which was easier on one hand, but also discouraging because it made things feel like they were moving much slower. I spent a lot of time in the tub again, and that was very relaxing. It was harder, this time around, to let things happen at their own pace... and I was also far more tired, since I had walked so much, and been awake for so long. The nurse was very encouraging, and kept me going many times. And because I had done this before, I was comfortable being specific on what I wanted in terms of monitoring, etc.
Around 1:30 or 2 in the morning, my waters broke while in the tub, except for a bubble right by E's head. I dilated to an 8, but wasn't all the way there. While that was encouraging, I was exhausted and things became more intense, but didn't seem to speed up. I was mentally and physically exhausted and kept trying to fall asleep through contractions [right...]. I was very close to using our code word ("Blue Man Group," not sure why?) and asking for an epidural, but too stubborn to go there first. At 3:20am, I okay-ed the doctor to break the rest of the water sack, telling Jon I was almost at the end of my ability to stay awake and I wasn't sure I had the energy to wait for it to progress. Labor became significantly more intense and more painful, and I dilated to a 9 fairly quickly and began feeling the urge to push. All well and good, except for the final little piece of cervix still in front of E's head. I remember the nurse telling me not to push, and telling her, I was trying not to, but my body was doing it with or without my permission. The nurse had to manually push it behind E's head, so that he was clear to make his exit - because ready or not, he was on his way. From there, we paged the doctor, who otherwise we didn't see much of that evening, and with three or four pushes, in less than 10 minutes, E was born - much faster than S, and far less painfully. With cord still attached, before he was cleaned at all, he was laid on my chest and we got to spend those first few beautiful moments just breathing and enjoying the intimacy of the moment.
Elijah Asher Douthit was born at 3:50am, after 23 hours of labor, weighing 8 lbs, 7 oz - he screamed and wailed when he entered the world, but settled quickly against my chest, and contentedly made his home there - also very quickly rooting to eat. Even though it was my second time giving birth, there are still no words to describe that moment when you first hold your wee one in your arms. It's completely indescribable and so instantaneous how quickly the memory of the pain passes. Like with S, I was up and moving within the hour, and so glad that we had opted for and been able to have a natural birth.
If I were to go back and give myself hindsight wisdom, the only thing I would change is to tell myself not to worry with speeding up labor - that it would happen when it happened, people wouldn't mind, and to save my energy!
Elijah's birth was life-changing for me similarly in that it brought this sweet little snuggle bug into the world and into our arms - I am forever changed having him in our lives. And our family has expanded and changed yet again, as we grew to a family of four. While it was only four months ago, it feels like he's always been part of our family.
It was also life-changing for me in a humbling sense - because unlike with S, I think I had an attitude of "I can do this" and "I know what I'm doing" before labor began. And I was humbled by the ways that it was unexpected, not in my control, and harder than I anticipated, even as the post-partum period was easier. His first few months have been that as well - I have no room for "been there, done that" confidence - I am continuing to learn that I have to hold things loosely. He is a different child and different experience than S. And I am continually learning that I need others, need patience for things to progress at their own pace, and can do a lot more than I thought, on a lot less sleep. :)
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