starting with relationship...

So can we speak candidly for a few?

Yes?

[I'm going to pretend you said yes]

Great!

I had a realization earlier this morning, and I want to share it with you...

I realized that I have been wrong.

Perhaps as a bit of background, I should clarify that I was a campus minister at three different universities for a total of 5 years - that following 3 years of leadership in a campus ministry during my own college tenure.  I led countless small groups, Bible studies, and outreaches on campus.  I have planned curricula, trained leaders, picked up the pieces when things fell apart, and seen tremendously successful small groups take root.

And every so often, I would get a leader who would come to me and say something akin to "I don't think I want to study anything; I think it would be cool if we could just hang out and get to know each other."

[*red flag* *red flag* *break out the big folder and long list of reasons why this is a bad idea*]

So we would painstakingly go over why as a group it's important to have a purpose and a vision, and how friendship happens alongside vision and purpose and a study or curricula.  How groups without vision fail.  How groups, of any nature, without purpose fizzle.

And I don't think that's inaccurate.  A good group must have purpose.   A sports team that doesn't play games, or doesn't want to win games, really doesn't play particularly well.  Or at all.  A political group without affiliation or activity just debates all the time and then gets angry and leaves.  A volunteer group without a project - yup, you guessed it - gradually loses interest until it too dissolves.

But.  Here's where I think I have been wrong.  When it comes to intimacy and vulnerability and deep friendships that are life transforming - within Christian community and otherwise - I don't think that real, vulnerable friendship happens organically alongside vision and purpose [sometimes they do, but that's more often than not, the exception, not the rule].

I'll stand by, groups must have vision and purpose.

But I am learning, if there is not intentional space for friendships to be built - unstructured time of *hanging out and getting to know one another* with *no plan* - even the most vision-filled, purpose-driven group will dissolve into a muddle, when trust is needed and isn't there.

[Some of you relational types are rolling your eyes.  Grace, please.  I'm slow sometimes. I know.]

Real community, real vulnerability, and true intimacy take work - hours of grace, truth, and, most importantly, time.  And when we push forward with purpose without trust or vulnerability from solid relationship, we are short-lived as well.

I've been hanging out with a lot of moms these days - I am one, and there are few people other than moms who are willing to hang out with opinionated toddlers and sometimes screamy infants, around the ever-changing-but-ever-important nap schedule.  If you are one of those people, bless you.  You're rare and oh so appreciated.   But one of the things I've been realizing about moms is that we are often profoundly lonely people.  We are constantly surrounded by little grabby fingers who never.leave.us.alone.  and little people who keep up a running conversation with us so much so that our deepest wish is just some time to be truly alone.

But in the midst of all that noise, who we are can often feel forgotten.  Or missed.  Our gifts, our skills, our experiences outside of having kids, our "me," is often morphed into simply "S's mom" or some other expertise or practice surrounding our children.  Even our conversations, when not at a child-level to our children, are often about our children.

Sometimes, even deeper than the desire for some alone time, we want nothing more than to be seen ourselves.  For ourselves.  To be known.  And to be able to share our fears, our desires, our hopes, and our dreams - as they pertain to our children, but also as they pertain to ourselves.  But the space to do that - especially in mom-world, where we're so afraid that we're constantly messing up, and sure that we're being judged for it, and simultaneously constantly comparing ourselves to others, for better and for worse - is freakishly hard to find.  So often times, things stay at a superficial level.  Cloth or paper, formula or breast, store-bought or baby-led, sleep? What?

And this is true - often especially true - in the church as well.

I'm not saying that I want a group that doesn't study the Bible - in fact, find me a mom's or women's Bible study that actually studies the Bible well, and I will be thrilled (but that's another post).  Women's - and moms' - groups need to have vision and purpose.  110%.  Yes, please.  It cannot, and should not be, all mushy gushy feelings, cupcakes and knitting.

But right alongside that "larger" vision and purpose, we need to prioritize and make space for us to get to know each other.  Focus on, with our words as well as our time, building trust and creating space for relationships to be built, not simply to aid in our goals, but as a stand-alone goal itself.   And often.  Within the context of the already limited time that we have, not outside of it.  Preferably with childcare provided. :) And leaders?  We need to take the initiative on this one, in vulnerability, allowing ourselves to be known, and getting to *really* know others.  Goals are great, but they are actualized by someone [known as a leader] taking the first step.  Ready for it?

Maybe - this is radical - maybe, even if someone is in our midst, and learns nothing.  Nothing. from our Bible study or our plan or our curricula, the simple fact that she has felt seen, and known and loved, will be so radically different that the relationship itself will be the start of transformation.

I think this matters for us to get this.  I think it matters for me.  I think it matters for you.

Otherwise we will continue to be stellar participants who continue to keep our pretty, clean faces on [so that we're not judged too much for our child's face which is currently stained purple with permanent marker] and vulnerability will be a rarity and even slightly awkward when someone dares to "go there."  And we'll leave having prayed for our ailing cousin's friends (which matters!) but with a slight ache in our hearts that always seems to wish that it was *safe* to share what we were struggling with or hoping for.

And we all want more than that.



** Certainly there are exceptions to the rule - and other applications - but I do this is something that we can all consider and potentially grow in.