on surviving two under two

We're now almost four months into this crazy adventure of two-under-two and I am nowhere near close to wanting to or feeling equipped to give advice.

Can we just pause for a moment, and observe my toddler (almost 21 months old), who is currently wearing bright orange socks with stars on them and a red and blue shirt - no, no, he did not dress himself.  That's mom's doing.  Also, his face is covered in graham cracker crumbs.  And some serious stank coming from the diaper [edit: was - we dealt with that bad boy when we got home].  And yes, we went out in public that way.  No shame, people - this is our normal and we're okay with it.  But also no room for "I've got this" power... :)

Also, the infant (almost 4 months old) - he still has days where he's super colicky and fussy at the breast and it's an all out fight to get him to eat, period.  And I have no idea why or when they'll happen, or how to prevent them.  Also, he categorically refuses every single type of bottle possible.  So you can guess how many times we've gotten to go out on a date, or even just out, since he was born.  May I repeat, no room for "I've got this..." advice.

But that being said, there are a few things that I'm learning make my life easier as I am parenting two, specifically two very close in age.  These have made [are making] a difference in my sanity, as well as my general enjoyment of my two littles, so I share them with you as a reflection as well as in the hopes that maybe they'll be a gift to some of you as well.

(1) Find what works for your family and stick with it

If none of my things are you or your family, for heavens sake, don't do them.  What works for me, isn't for everyone.  We both save ourselves a ton of stress when we recognize that and just get over it.  Do it your own way.  Please.  And let's bless one another to do that.  Verbally, in writing, and in hugs and affirmations.  As parents, we kill ourselves with comparison and guilt.  It's a hard enough job without our negative performance reviews.  Do what works for your family and rejoice that you've found something that is working!

(2) Be okay not doing some things the"ideal" way for a season

There are things that I would love to be able to do right now - like eating dinner all together as a family, or going to story time every week at the library, or having the boys share a room so we can talk above a whisper in our room, or not having cheerios ground into our carpet, to name a few.  Not bad things, any of them.  And one day, hopefully, we'll try to make those happen.  But cycling back to #1, sometimes you have to find what works for your family and stick with it.  For our kiddos, it's better to get time with their daddy after work, and then to bed on time, and better for me and Jon to not have the stress of getting food on the table for us all in that narrow window that is close to their meltdown time anyhow.  It's not our ideal, but it works for right now.  We recognize that it's a season, file it on the long-term to-change list, and rejoice that we've found something that works.

(3) Set really reasonable goals for yourself, for the day, week, etc.  Don't expect too much of yourself, but at the same time, expect something of yourself.

My goal last week - my only goal - was to clean the bathroom.  This being because I think the last time I had cleaned it was in July, before my mom visited - cleaned precisely because my mom was visiting.  That s*&^ needed to be cleaned.  Literally.  But rather than kill myself over it AND add on a million other things, I picked one thing that needed to get done and made a commitment to do it.  Also, recognized that it might take me all week to do it, depending on how these two littles were napping and how exhausted I was and how much I needed to be flexible and do something else with the spare time that I might have.

(4) Make a to-do list (and put easy things on it too) - and then see it more as a "to-remember" than "to-do" list

This is less so that I can guilt myself about what I'm not doing - and more so that I can remember what I really need to do.  Our current status is "still-up-many-times-a-night" and "waking-up-ready-to-go-freakishly-early-in-the-morning." My brain power and memory directly correlate to amount of sleep had.  My to-do list includes items like "wake-up" and "eat breakfast" as well as things like "shower," "pay the rent," "get groceries," and "email V about baby sleep."  Easy things give us something to celebrate when we check them off - and sometimes I need those little victories.  The rest of the to-do list just helps me get my thoughts of my head, making me require slightly less brain-power to operate on a day-to-day basis.

(5) Start all new discipline, parenting practices, goals, etc. on a Monday - and only do one a week (at very very most, two at a time).  Give it the full work week, and then if it's not a great fit for your family, reassess it.  Consider weekends as regrouping time as needed.

I am a goal-oriented person.  I thrive under challenges and goals.  Not everyone is like this, I recognize that.  But I have been known to want to try implementing 80 different goals all at the same time - and then quickly within a day or two, either forgetting what I'm doing, or getting so frustrated by the magnitude of them all that I just drop them or give up.  Starting things on a Monday ensures that (a) I've thought it through (conferred with hubby etc.) and actually want to do it, that it's not a whim, (b) I am slightly more well-rested, gracias a la husband being home all weekend, (c) I have a set period of time that I'm committed to giving it the "old college try" before dropping it cold turkey. Following through for 5 days gets us past the "3 days that it takes to see change" and helps me assess well if it's a good fit once its lost its "newness." Also, my husband tends to be the more "flexible" of us, so in our household, it works better if I can be firm and steady with a new rule or discipline practice for the workweek before he comes home and it becomes more "flexible" over the weekend.

(6) Leave the house at least once a day

This is for my own sanity, health and well-being.  Plus my toddler's and my infant's.  Even if it's just a walk around the block, we all end up feeling and doing a little bit better when we get even five minutes outside of the house.  Also, they can be as loud and rambunctious as they want, which is incredibly freeing for them.  It's a good re-set for us. Also makes it feel less like I am imprisoned in our house by my two tiny, adorable tyrants. But I should add, sometimes five minutes around the block is all it is, because people, packing up two tinys takes a lot longer and a lot more effort that you would think.  Also, muscles.  They are heavy and wiggly and surprisingly strong.  I'm already sweating by the time we make it down the stairs.   Most days, we just go to the exact same playground, at the exact same time of day, and we call it a day.  And they love it [most days]!

(7) Honor the nap and bedtime gods

I'm all about flexibility and getting out of the house and doing my mommy things too.  But when you have two kiddos who are angry, tired, and off-schedule - things can deteriorate way faster.  And two-under-two, the screaming is exponential (not additive) when it happens.  Having a routine really helps me to maintain my sanity, and my kids to maintain theirs.  And strangely enough, it also helps them be more flexible when we do shift the routine slightly.  Plus, on a good day, sometimes I can get an hour by myself.  Glory, glory, hallelujah.

(8) A solid baby carrier makes the world of difference

I love my Ergo and don't know what I'd do without it.  Double stroller is great - but when the toddler is on the run, being fully mobile to chase him, without constantly looking over my shoulder to make sure the baby is okay.  Plus, when E was little little, it would lull him to sleep, keeping him warm and snuggly, while leaving me my hands free for S.  And as hands and sleep are the two things that I most often feel the shortage of, this is a godsend.

(9) Tears happen, temper tantrums happen, and things break... pretty much daily.  And 9 times out of 10, those things happen in public.  The house is messy, and my to-do list always has items left on it. ... and that's okay.  Life is and gets messy.  And kids have PhD's in messy.  Seriously.  They break things, they cry, get sad, get angry, they disobey - and we take care of them, sooth them, hug them, reassure them, and discipline them when needed.  And two?  Well, they love doing things together.  Ignore the ugly looks, and see the others in the room who are smiling sympathetically.  No one else has the formula either.  Parents?  We've all been there.  We get it.  It happens.  It's just part of being parents.  Learn to laugh at yourself and it will go a long way.

And sometimes, they have abysmal days.  Abysmal.  Together.  Yay sharing!  Often following or followed by a night with very little sleep.  That doesn't mean that I (we) are doing a bad job as parents.  It just means they're being kids and we're being parents.  We take a few minutes, shed a few tears, pick up the pieces... look for the humor in the situation, and pour ourselves a big ol' glass of wine once bedtime comes.  And rejoice that not every day is like that.

... and let the mice eat the cheerios and clean up the mess.  Because (a) the vacuuming wasn't the top priority this week and (b) they need to eat too, and (c) buying mousetraps is on your to-do list for tomorrow.