the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth

I've got a secret to tell you - and I think it'll be short, because I'm not sure I want to elaborate too long, as I think I'll just muddy the water, and I think that's maybe not the point.  I love words, but sometimes use too many of them.

My secret is - when I think I'm failing, or might fail, or even might not succeed to the level that I want to, I shut down.  Quit.  Go MIA.  That can be as small as a brief social interaction and the point when I move on, or as big as a relational fight, parenting, or a career aspiration.  There is a reason I haven't taken the GRE yet even though I want to do grad school and have been talking about it for 4 years now.  Just being honest.  I am totally {but not as badly as I used to be!?} terrified of failure {especially admitting it}.  I strive for accomplishment, success, value, and see myself as capable, able, and successful - and if I'm not all those things, I will do my best to paint my failures in a positive light, look for the lesson, or try to portray it in a way that makes it look less like a failure and more like a "growth moment." {I'm typically really good at job interviews for those curious.}

So why am I telling you this right now? Because I'm currently avoiding a task (work-related, and relatively minor, if you're wondering) at hand that I feel like I have let slip for fall too long - have failed to complete in a satisfactory or timely manner, up to my standards, and so instead of facing it like a woman and just getting it done, or just acknowledging that I'm behind schedule and shouldn't be, I'm pretending it's not there and making up excuses.  And blogging about it? Well, that was absolutely pressing and urgent.  Much more important than just doing the task itself.

Enneagram 3's, raise your hands?  {holds both hands up high}

I should say, I am a healthier person than I used to be - more comfortable with failure than I once was.  Actually, I don't know that that's true - I want it to be, and some days it is, but I think the truth is, I still am not comfortable with it.  Rather, it does not undo me entirely anymore {it used to}.  And I actually do things for fun that I'm not good at now - and am cognizant of the ways that adventuring and risk taking brings life to my soul, and requires that I push through my fears of failure.  But I still don't like failure {who does?} and actively avoid it often - and still find myself shutting down, running away, or trying to make it look better than it is, in the face of impending failure.   I hate appearing incompetent, or like a failure.  And being found out is what I seek to avoid at all costs.  But at very least, I now recognize the ways that that's an unhealthy pattern, and strive to break it when I recognize it.

I'm confident that I'm not alone in this.

So I'm combating that instead by outing myself.  {little tip: for threes, the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth actually is what sets you free}. It's not pessimism, nor is it being down on myself {I'm not}.  It's actually the opposite - seeing myself as I am, apart from my relative successes, failures, and accomplishments.  So here's the truth:

• I am currently failing at this particular project- and that truth is actually freeing to say out loud. 
• Failing at a task does not make me a failure as a person.  And so I can acknowledge my own failure to the people that I have let down, without it determining or affecting my worth.  I am not the sum of my accomplishments - my worth and value is in who I am, not what I do.  And owning my failures allows me to take responsibility for them, and move forward.
• There are actions that I need to take to complete my current project and I need to take them. 
• I need to ask for some help and make a concrete plan to take those steps.  And then do it.

When was the last time you failed at something? How do you deal with failure? Is there truth that you need to acknowledge to yourself or someone else?  Are there concrete steps that you need to take?

You are loved for who you are, friend.  And you are so much more than the sum of your accomplishments, failures or successes.

- KD