Dream Chasers: let me not die while I am still alive

A few days ago, I was reading Sheryl Sandberg's Sheloshim post about her husband, partnership and her grief, and life and option B, transparency, letting people in, and asking for help, love and gratitude.  And I was struck, in a heart-level way, by the prayer line from her rabbi friend,

“Let me not die while I am still alive.”

Really, her whole post is powerful.  She talks about so much in such a succinct and raw, yet beautifully incandescent way.  If you have time to read just one thing today, read her thoughts not mine.  Please.  And take just one thing away from it, that will affect your today and tomorrow, whatever that might be for you.

But if you have time for two things today, here's one of my today and tomorrow takeaways:

Dreams matter.  And finding and doing the things that bring life to your soul, mind, body, and fellow man - not dying while you are still alive - is of utmost, and infinite, importance and value.

When I was 18-19-20, at the cusp of adulthood, in college, my dream was to become a nuclear physicist, working on nuclear policy, and through diplomacy, to make the world a safer, better, more peaceful place.  I also wanted equality for women, a level playing field, and fame and success for myself.  And honestly, making heaps of money would have been on the list as well.

By the time I finished college, at the ripe old age of 22, my dreams and goals had shifted from nuclear weapons to the nucleus of the person, the soul, the spirit, and the heart - and wanting more than anything to see people at peace within themselves, to know that they were loved more radically than they possibly could imagine, and to know that they were safe and free - freed to live radical and bold lives that made a real difference in the world around them.  I had just started learning that lesson myself, and I wanted others to find that freedom as well.

As I have grown older, and transitioned careers again - and then transitioned out of a career into life as a stay-at-home mom, my goals and dreams have shifted more internally and relationally - to be a woman who is herself so at peace in who she is, that those in her presence find themselves more comfortable in their own skin.  That they feel safe, known, and loved completely, freed to be fully and unabashedly themselves.  For my children, my husband, and others who grace my life daily.

And that is a good and holy dream - a eulogy worthy goal, not a resume builder - that will fill my days and challenge me from henceforth, I am certain.

And yet.

And yet, I long for more.

I love mentoring, counseling, and coaching.  I'd love to go back to school and get a degree that would enable me to pursue that more fully.  I find joy in walking alongside others through real life.  And making a tangible difference in their lives.

I find life in creating new things.  I dream of inventing something new.  Shark Tank? Terrifies me, but man, I'd love to have an idea that I could present there!

I love to write, and dream of writing something that actually matters.

I want to be the kind of woman who models for her children what it looks like to never give up on dreams - who inspires her husband with her love of life and fullness of joy.  Whose kids rise up and say, "Man, mom loved us well, was always present for us, I always knew I could count on her" etc. But also, "Man, I saw my mom chase her dreams and live a fulfilled life, a love-filled life and I want that..."

See I think as we get older, our dreams and goals do shift.  They mature.  They grow.  Or they shrink, as fluff is cut away to reveal the heart, the core that is what we actually want.

And sometimes, they get set aside (for a time) for the sake of someone else pursuing their dreams, or for the sake of caring for someone else.  Love does that.  True love is always sacrificial.

But so often, in the process of the shifting, and the growing, and the maturing, and the sacrificing, rather than honing in, and holding onto, we simply lose sight of our dreams altogether.  We settle down, we settle in, and we abandon the heart and soul of who God created us to be in the process.

And I want to speak specifically to parents here - I think it applies broadly, but moms, you are my demographic, the place that I know most well, as I preach to myself here as well.

Moms, for some of us, when the fluff is cut away, and the core revealed, the place of our dreams, the place where we come most alive - that is simply and purely in being a mom.  Some of us, that is our heart and soul, even though it has not yet become reality.  And that is a good and holy place.  Never let anyone call you "just a mom."  Or accuse you of not pursuing your dreams.  If this is your dream, I bless you to chase it with reckless abandon.  Please love your kids (and love their friends, my kids) in the ways that only someone living a fulfilled life can do.  I applaud you.

For others of us - many of us - we love our kids, love being moms, and are really good moms, but we're even better moms when we invest in and value and spend time in areas other than just our children.  Our dreams are not better ways of living fulfilled lives or less sacrificially loving than those of the mom whose soul comes alive in mothering - they are simply different.  And at times, we (wrongly) believe or are told that they stand in competition or contradiction with our ability to be good moms, or our culture's (or subculture's) views of what makes a good mom.  And yet, by pursuing those dreams in a healthy balance, we actually love our kids with more joy, teach our kids to take risks, inspire our husbands, and model what living a fulfilled and content life looks like.  And I applaud you also.

I fall in the latter category.

And I struggle daily to find time, energy, resources, and frankly even desire, to invest in the things that bring life to my soul.  But I know, after a few days/weeks/months of their absence, my soul starts to atrophy.  I become snappier, less engaged, and less joyful in the times I spend with my children and husband.  And far quicker to point out "just how much I am sacrificing for them" and "why can't they be more grateful."

Moms, it matters that we have and pursue our dreams too.  Hear me, as I say to us together, it matters that you do things that are life-giving to you.  And it's okay if that is things other than parenting. That you know what makes your heart sing, your soul feel free, and your energy levels reset - other than naps and coffee.  We all need naps, and I don't know how anyone does it without coffee.

Even if it's just 5 minutes a day (or a week, let's be honest) of self-investment and dream chasing.  Or sometimes, even if it's just having dreams, and clinging desperately to them in hopes that one day... one day after the weeks of potty training and cleaning up yet another "oopsie" off the carpet are past... one day, this is what you long to pursue.

Two caveats: First, I'm not talking about having a career - but living fully - having dreams, investing and valuing and spending time with what is life-giving and soul-filling.  They can be the same thing, but they don't have to be.  It's knowing what makes you feel alive, and making space for it.  And second, I know that talk about chasing and pursuing our dreams is often language of privilege, and between working two or three jobs, caring for our families and trying to take care of basic life tasks like getting groceries before the stores close, the thought of finding time for ourselves feels laughable; I do not mean to be insensitive to that.  But I think dreams still matter - and in the midst of just getting by, having the ability to look for more, to long for more, makes the difference between getting stuck and merely feeling stuck for a season.

Because can I be honest? I have never met a more consistently sacrificial group of people than parents.  Day in and day out, the bulk majority of parents put someone else's needs before their own.  In a good and holy way.   And it is beautiful.

But in the same way that children need, test, and even want boundaries - parents, we need to have boundaries as well.  Very few of us - I would wager none of us, but I'll leave room for error - very few of us have the capacity to give constantly without refilling.  And if you do not also care for yourself, have dreams for yourself, you will - we will - find ourselves as atrophied versions of ourselves with very little left to give - and in its place, a whole lot of bitterness.

We will become people who die while we are still alive.

So for you and me:

What do you love?  What makes you most animated when it comes up in conversation?
What do you wish that you had space or time to pursue?
What makes you feel alive? Contented? Challenged?  Full?

When was the last time that you did that?

What time do you have available for that?  What do you need to cut in order to make (any) space?  For starters, you can stop reading my blog, I won't be offended.  AND that will free up at least 10 minutes a week. Skimmers, maybe 2, but hey, you won't have made it to this line anyhow.  ;)

What conversation do you need to have with those in your life to make that happen?  Spouses - partners - loved ones - how can you help create space for your loved ones to be more alive?  Ask them.  And help them identify the places where you see them come most alive.  That's always a fun conversation.  Ask today: where do you see me come most alive?

For me, writing here is one tiny step.  Finding space for people, for creativity, for innovation, those are other baby steps.  And trusting others to watch my kids occasionally so I can do that (not run errands) and believing that that is worth doing, is another.

Dreams matter.  Let's be dream chasers, friends.  Pursuers of real life and meaning. 

And let's start today...

** This is post #100.  (yay!) As promised, I both remembered, and am observing it by doing absolutely nothing out of the ordinary - just writing a normal ol' blogpost.