Explaining the "dry spell"

Putting things in words has rarely been an issue for me... but somehow starting each post these days seems to take a little bit more effort.  Perhaps because I am trying very hard not to gloss over things or make them "prettier" than they are...

At any rate, as I have mentioned before, I'm in the midst of a bit of a dry spell spiritually - desperately in need of watering, refreshing, and renewing.  I compared myself to tomato plants not too long ago, if you remember. 

I struggle to be able to explain this "dry spell" or "struggle" to people at times, because in doing so, I want to honor the students that I worked with and the leadership that I was under, to affirm that ministry was good and not faked or empty, to confirm that my faith is in fact still in tact, etc.  and in general, to affirm that I still believe in God, am "okay" and still love InterVarsity (all true), while at the same time, striving to be authentic, real, and "messy" and more importantly, honest, about where I am which is pretty dry and pretty messy.  But in the effort for transparency, here we go...

I was telling a friend earlier today - I think the crux of it is - the danger in full time ministry, is that what you do for a living, and what you personally believe in - your relationship with God - run the risk of becoming dangerously intertwined. 

• Where your own spiritual nourishment comes from preparing to lead others - where everything that you learn becomes something shared for building others up, an example to be shared, rather than intimate and personal - where coming apart has to be somewhat put together so that it doesn't cause others to come apart (is the logic, at least) - where even when you want to engage in faith (worship, Scripture) simply for yourself, you always have in the back of your mind the people that you have under your care - and then add in that you end up carrying (willingly, with joy and delight) not just your own burdens and questions, but also those of others, and miss the fact that those are God's job not yours - and lastly, wrestling with feeling like when you fail, that you have failed God, that your failures have bigger impact than they actually do, rather than just being an invitation for more grace, sometimes repentance, always a deeper need for Jesus.

• Add in the fact that spiritual leadership - either done by you, or by those in leadership over you -  confuses and muddles that line between business leadership and discipline and opinions, and "God-led" vision and leadership. A line that, when walked well, is a beautiful melding of using our own gifts and listening to God for his leadership.  But all too often - I think in almost any ministry setting over a long-enough term -  is muddled by human messiness, calling "inspired vision" what is really human wisdom.  The guilt/shame and the bitterness/anger of being both the perpetrator of that and the recipient therein add up over time, and unreleased, suffocate and embitter.

• When you fund-raise for your job, you have the added pressure that donors want to see (or at least this is the perception - I think sometimes a false one) that things are going well - they need to have trust with an organization - and so you learn (I think unfortunately) to separate the messy and the "newsletter-worthy." You don't talk very much about the ways in which you are struggling - unless it is processed and neatly wrapped up - because this can very practically hinders your ability to meet budget.  This quickly can devolve into a warped and small view of the faith which says, "clean it up" rather than "I have come not for the healthy but for the sick."

• And finally, ministry is often times a thankless job.  Those who love you and receive well from God through your ministry rarely say thank you - until you leave, and then they come out of the woodwork - and those who are frustrated or think you as a woman shouldn't be in ministry or think that you as a para church are non-Biblical or even just those who think that your ministry should look different - well, they are far more vocal.  And that's not even talking about the internal critic, who merciless shouts that there is always more to be done.  And when you internalize that, absorbing it, over and over again, faith and work intertwined, when you finally stop and release the work and start to address the state of your own faith, you find that there is a lot of leftover, unaddressed anger and bitterness now linked in with your faith. 

While all of these are not necessarily inherent to full-time ministry, they are dangers therein; more centrally, they are all things which I have struggled with, and in many ways, have led to where I find myself now, still believing in the truth of the Gospel, deeply rooted in a love for Jesus, but dry.  In need of water.  Nearly burned out.  Wrestling with anger and bitterness.  Trying to figure out how to "do" faith without it being obligation.  Trying to "re-learn" how to be really messy, not just "cleaned up" messy.  

So here I am.  Messy.  Dry.  In need of water.  Asking God to show me Himself again and again.  To wash away the unhealthy patterns that I have picked up, the mis-truths that I have learned.  Releasing the anger and bitterness and asking God for healing.  Celebrating the beautiful things that I saw God do.  And I think actually heading in a healthy direction...  just messy in the process!

A few thoughts for the road?  Some learned from my better days, others things I wish I had done better or actually practiced, by no means expert:

If you have the blessing of being loved by or supporting someone in full-time ministry:

- Give that person grace to be messy, and grace when they are messy - and give them the grace not to give them a "quick fix" or to expect one when they are messy.

- Ask how you can pray for them, and actually pray for them when you're with them

- Say thank you for the things you're grateful for in the moment, not later

- Ask them to have holy secrets - things that are just between them and God, and not for you

- Make sure that they take time off - and if you're a ministry supporter, support them in taking time off to refresh, renew, reconnect with Jesus, and release things that are not theirs to carry

- Affirm that it's okay to share ministry failures as well as successes - and demonstrate this.

If you are in full-time ministry:

- Make it a regular practice to have holy secrets - things that are just between you and God

- Be willing to be wrong, to apologize, to forgive and receive forgiveness - be very cautious of claiming divine inspiration (don't avoid it, just be willing to be wrong and to hear dissenting opinions).

- Avoid the practice of "quick fixes" for not so simple issues - ask for grace, and give yourself the same grace you give others to sometimes need a bit more time.  Don't bury anger, it grows roots of bitterness.

- If you are fundraising, your donors are your partners - give them the privilege of praying with you through the messy parts, rather than trying to handle them on your own.  Treat them as partners... 95% of them really want to be that and understand that ministry is messy...

- Take retreats that have nothing to do with your pastorate or their needs:  it's okay to be selfish in this way, it actually blesses your pastorate for their ministry leader to have intimate relationship with Jesus

- Have at least one friend who will speak truth to you, that is entirely mutual, that you can be entirely honest with without ministry ramifications and practice that honesty regularly.  Pray together.