partnership

So, this weekend, I got two messages that gave me a small glimpse of some of the anger that's still unhealthily residing in my gut.  Both were from folks that I worked with indirectly for several years while in ministry.  Neither were directly involved in the ministry I worked for - as coworkers, friends, supporters, or students.  Both were very well-meaning individuals who I think legitimately sought to bless me and advocate for me at various points in time.  But at the same time, despite good intentions in both of their "blessings," I more often than not felt belittled.  Made smaller.  Criticized.  Questioned.  Told how to do my job better.  Not trusted.  Insufficient.  And wounded deeply by words marked by pleasant tones and kind motivations, and I honestly believe kind hearts, but distrustful content and hurtful "help."

Things like... correcting me for doing my job, the way that I was supposed to, because it didn't fit with what they thought was best.  Asking me if I, as a woman, as a para-church ministry, as a para-church ministry other than theirs, as a Caucasian, as a non-ordained minister, should really be doing _____.  Shouldn't I let them or someone else do it instead?  Which, sometimes there are times where that is valid - and I'll be the first to admit that.  The issue was that these requests were not based on my qualifications or even a particular situation - and never actually evaluated or considered those - but rather, started carte blanc with what was considered "best" and what were seen as my 'handicaps.' "Because of who you are, and who you work for, you may do this, but not this."  Asking me to come to meetings, but please not speak, because your opinion is different and it might cause confusion.  Verbally articulating full and complete partnership, but never fully treating me as a trusted and complete partner.  The "how are things going?" question, with the underlying tone of distrust, always looking for how they, the wiser, could instruct me or correct me.

And as a result, both messages, rather than being pleasantries that were taken at face value, triggered a deep sense of anger, "shutdown," distrust, and insufficiency in me - and a deep desire to avoid them at all costs.

Clearly, I have some processing, forgiving, and potentially even confrontation and reconciliation to do. I'll keep you posted on how that goes...  I haven't really started that yet.  Pretty sure that avoiding isn't necessarily the best option.  So let's start with what I wish I could say to them about partnership - what I think partnership looks like - and why the kind of partnership I experienced felt off:

True partnership expresses trust and, even when it's hard, acts into that, rather than in distrust.  This is absolutely foundational.  If there is not trust - even hard-fought, continually re-given, wrestled-through, Jesus-help-me-trust-today trust - then it's really hard for there to be a partnership.  

True partnership is starts from a place of equal ground, not a hierarchy.  It always acknowledges, that regardless of age, gender, race, or background, that each can learn from the other.  Both partners take the role of teacher and student at varying times.  If there is not some equality, it isn't actually a partnership - not inherently a bad thing - just call it what it is.

True partnership does not pray sermons directed at the other or use spiritual things to minimize or belittle the other. 

True partnership acknowledges that difference is not a bad thing - and is open to learning a different way than their own.   Partnership by nature implies that we are not the same, do not think the same way, do not operate the same way necessarily - but that we believe that there is strength in working together.   And because we're different, true partnership always requires asking for forgiveness, giving it, and receiving it.  It is an active and continual work in process of building and rebuilding trust.

True partnership advocates for the other - and out of trust in the other - does so in moments of strength and weakness. 

True partnership doesn't 'handicap' or silence someone into or out of certain roles, but together considers well what the best way to proceed is, mutually listening well to the heart and desires of the other.  One person is not the standard for what "best" is.  True partnership strives to see strengths and abilities in the other, and call those out, that the other might not know, see, or believe.  While partners do correct and seek bettering for the other, that is never the extent to which partnership plays out... if it is solely that, it's called critiquing or consulting not partnering.  

Kind hearts and kind words and even a desire to "help" the other do not necessarily indicate true partnership.  They are good things, but real partnership requires more than that.  Real partnership requires that we be for one another, even at cost to ourselves.  That we trust one another, even if that takes continual work.  That we entrust important things to the other. That we say thank you and bless the good with joy and rejoicing because we know that ones success is not detrimental or threatening to the other... as well as strive for greater mutual strength and improvement in places of weakness.   

What would you add about real partnership?